dont you people think i am easily amused and pleased? i guess so.. some people likes cars, others want a great career in life, still more wants to be recognised, to be famous, to be pretty and the list goes on. at the end of the day, everyone really just wants be loved by someone, a group of people. they lost the bigger picture and then get so lost in life wondering, "what do i really want in life?" and are more often than not, unable to answer all that.

there are so many things before us, that people tend to ignore. the fact that most of us are able bodied, or even the fact that we are alive, isn't that enough?

was reading some notes of love from a girl friend to her boyfriend and vice versa. how sweet (forgive me for turning all weak knee-ed at these saccharine filled stuff, but hey, leave me alone, i am like that :o) and i honestly wish them all the best in their time together :D. being able to find the one you love, and being able to be with him/her can be a very long and tedious work. but work it right, work it fine, it can go a long long way.

a long time ago, i had a boyfriend that i love that much. my world revolved around him, i changed bits of me to suit him, coz he was one of those asian hardliner type of guys: girls are to be seen not heard, to obey not to be obeyed, etc. it probably isn't at all as harsh as i am making it sound now, but it's easier to state them in these stereotypes than to try and figure him out now (especially since he has became even more narrowminded ever since.).

whatever websites i had were dedicated to him, online diaries (that was what i called it back then) as well as webspace that could take in word documents as files to be kept, contained stuff that i wrote and wrote all about him.

oh, one bad habit that i have, when i have all these spurt of passion, i can write pages at a go, and along with all that, poetries of retarded manner, which we can refer to as infatuation.

then i fell "ill" if u can put it that way, and started growing fat because of my illness. one day, he turned to me and said "uhm, look, ur getting too fat for me. we had be ridiculed if we go out like this, and are seen together, holding hands and such." and so, this was his reason to me when we broke off. although i tried to patch it all back, that guy took me back in probably out of trying to shut me up, to stop me from pestering him. coz i was kinda a wreck for a while.

perhaps that was the silliest thing i have ever done, coz the 2nd breakup hurt me more than the first, for he ignored me for the entire 3 mths that we were back together.

the funny thing was, i set up notes and anecdotes everywhere online, hoping that somehow, someday, somewhere, he had see them, be all drama like and get all touched and teary, and asked me to go back to him, of his own free will.

of course, it never happened.

2 years later, i revisited those sites out of curiousity of what i actually did with them. it still hurts of course, to know that his love was only skin deep. that we weren't meant to be. when i read all those notes i left out in public in the hope that somehow he had find it, i cried. then i deleted all those stuff, as you could with material things, and hope that one day all could be "deleted" away, much like a blot in your life.

2 years after the breakup, tho, was also the first time i actually met him again, and could talk to him sensibly. i can't deny that hey, it hurts, there was a pang, there was a hope. of course all of that washed away in anger and tears again a few weeks after i met up with him again.

his friends felt bad, coz they felt they were partly to be blamed for teasing him for having a gf fatter than him. he's about 5'6 with about 110-120 pounds to call his own. but of course, whatever he chose to do though, was still his own choice. which meant, he was a superficial arse. they had a talk with him while i was dozing off to a corner, at a farewell dinner. and he made it loud and clear "who would want to marry a person who's already 'ugly' before marriage?"

subsequently tho, he keeps running to me, asking me to help him choose presents, cards and how to tell (as if every woman is an open book kinda quiz!!!) if a person is interested in him.

what amuses me?

one of these girls ended up dating his best friend, coz, "he knows how to treat a lady like the lady that she is.." LOL!!!!! i believe they are celebrating their 2nd year anniversary this year ^.^

in the end, i believed what my friend said. sometimes, to find the best person for you, to find the person that was meant for you, it means to stay true to who you, regardless of what you have become physically. if they accept you as a fat slobbering bozo, my god! you have a great personality! XD~~ (no, i am not talking about myself here u faggot...)

if not.. hey, u have the friends who love you for who you are anyways... who cares about the opposite sex/boyfriend/girlfriend bullshit?

:D *bounces across the room*