a couple of nights ago i found this blog, i am not going to name for i see that it belongs to someone in pain, and therefore, she should recover as much as she could in this space that she found for her self. what caught me about this blog in particular isn't how extraordinary it is, but how ordinary it is really.

for 4 years and 8 months, she was with this guy whom she called her boyfriend, spent a huge amount of time with, made an effort to be with and to understand. 2 weeks before he was meant to propose to her, he broke off with her.

if you're anything like her, like me, you had be thinking, "wtf!?!?! why??" and because i haven't quite read past the first few pages i can't really tell u the reason he offered her. but from what i have read from her one sided story, they were pretty tight and she, despite her words, despite her harsh harsh screamings, is wounded deep inside because she still loves him so much and yet he has utterly let her down, not by the fact that he dumped her before proposing, but for the fact that he doesn't care as much nor respect her as much as he has put himself forth to be and as she had thought he would be.

the entire first page of her blog was filled with her pain, memories and tears all slashed across. and people might start questioning, it's been like 3 months, why can't she move on or just ignore him and so on? for a start it wasn't a short fling relationship of 3 months, it was a full 4 years and 8 mths, where tears were shared, laughter spilled all across, effort put in, heart on the platter ready to be shattered.

for another, she, like most people i know, put their whole heart and soul into the relationship because she wants it to work, she wants it to be "happily ever after". like my previous blog on children being children, we all from the time of being a child, till the end of our young adult years, we all have a dream. sometimes, it's just "i want to be a policeman", and then u got the girls going "i wana be a princess.."

so many movies, so many shows, so many songs, each one stating an "ever after", which is basically the ideal. who doesn't want to have a person who's their muirn beatha dan, their "soul mate", whom they believe is the one whom God deign for them to spend their lives with? because of this hope, because of this ideal, they put forth their heart into this relationship, so that when they put in 100% they expected to get all they could from the relationship for the one they so love.

but real life isn't so beautiful. when you put in a 100%, you might not get back anything, ur heart might come back all in pieces and for a while you don't know what you're gonna do. you feel alone, detached from this world, stunned that what had just passed did just occurr and you can't do anything about it. no matter how furious you are, no matter how much you weep "never again!" in your heart, you want him back and say everything was a joke, everything was a bad dream and it will all be back the same again.

or you just wish it never happened.

all these though, if it never happened, if it never occurr, would you have tasted the sweet but short lived happiness of that relationship? this "never again", will soon come to pass, and soon you will lay your healed but stronger heart out on the platter again, scarred but not beyond hope, just to find that special someone out there, wouldn't you? :)

i am very naive. and i face each relationship somewhat the same. i start of the relationship scared, sometimes just not trusting. but i end up putting in as much as i could in the relationship, try to make it work, hope for nothing in return except one thing: that he be mine forever and ever and ever. there are some sorrows you can never cure, but they are some joys you can never erase away. both come hand in hand, both teaches you something, while making you remember everything.

because there was happiness thus there was pain. to be able to love someone meant that someone did give you some form of happiness, love, thus you hurt when he's gone. when i had my first boyfriend, though it was only 3 months long, everywhere i go after the relationship was a pain. we went to alot of places together, did alot of things together. when he just up and left me, then i found out he had another girl friend all this time, my world just crushed beneath me.

in my mind, i just sat in this corner and ask why, why why why why... perhaps few can understand why girls cry so much at the end of the relationship, why they have to find out the reasons as to why he left, why they still pine after that "jerk" who ditched them. it's not just girls though, i believe lotsa guys do that too. my answer to all this?

in that time i was going why why why why, i remembered everything we had that was good. and how it was the past. it's never going to happen ever again with him. that 3 months of being with him is soon going to be just with me and me alone. for that 3 months i was part of someone's life and someone was part of my life. those 2 months after he left me, as i walk around, i felt i was missing something, this hole in my life, this emptiness beside me... the pain.. the pain...

it felt as if no one could understand me and i was all alone, drowning out, blocking the entire world out. i was teaching tuition at the time to kids, and it was all i could do to behave normally, to hold on to my wits and last an hour with each kid. but as each class ends, i had think of how he used to wait for me after class... as each tuition starts i had remember how he used to walk me to the kids' homes.

then people had start saying stuff like "why not get urself outta self pity and depression? why not stop listening to those crappy music?" for one, the attention i got from all that weeping comfort me. oh true, it's low down, it's bitchy, trying to use ur sorrow to get attention. at that point in time though, i needed something to hold on to before i lost my sanity. and having friends showing some concern was all that i had. i had no self respect for myself, i didn't had any direction, i was lost as hell and i couldn't find the way out. for some people, blogging is their grip on reality, mine was having friends rally around me as my pillar, while i cry it out and slowly rebuild my own pillar.

and never ever diss my music LOL.... it's my other grip on reality when there is no one around. it brings me to another dimension where i can be hurting but i am healing and i am at ease. at that point in time, my constant flow of music was just emilia's big big world.. i had promise myself daily i wouldn't cry, but the more i heard that song the more i cry. handicapped that way i had cry myself to sleep and then wake and just stumble into another day. my walkman was my best friend...

at the end of the day, i discover that love can be such a 2 edged sword, much as you get beauty and joy out of it, you also get sheer pain and ugliness from it. then why get into relationships if it hurts so much? considering that i have declared myself as a jerk magnet? :D well... sometimes, it's not about receiving that matters so much. To love is to give as much as you can, even till it hurts and u still give some more. it doesn't just apply to one on one relationships, it also applies to the rest of everything that you come in contact with :D that's my opinion anyways. i mean, if one day, the one i love turns into a vegetable, who can't talk, can't think, can't express himself at all to me, am i to just stop loving him? just walk away, leave him for he can't ever feel me anyways? there's no way i can fully express this here, but i can't do it. i can't up and walk away just because the good times are no longer going to happen. It takes 2 hands to clap and for one to be happy anyways, it takes oneself to create that happiness for herself, that's what i believe.

besides, i can't just ditch someone when he needs me the most :)

also, specially from Bette Midler's song, The Rose:

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer that leaves your soul to blead
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you it's only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose

idealistic again but allow me to rant a little X-D... it's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give, and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live... how many times have u turned down a chance at love coz you're afraid of getting hurt, and yet you had turned back at some point in time and wonder what if? how many of you have seen people do stuff that you wish you could do, and yet never took the first step of even having a go at it?

we are all basically equal, no one emotionally stronger, no one luckier than the other. life is short, if we don't live it to the fullest, do what we want, be what we want and allow the "who" in us to fully display itself, our life might end tomorrow and we will all be sorrowful for our own lives. that's sadder isn't it? :D

wow look at my blog... it went from trying to talk about my daily coming and goings to totally philosophical, taking apart everything i read >.> sorry lol, but i like to rant too much :D it's good isn't it anyways ? :)

8 a.m and i haven't sleep yet, this is bad LOL... good night ^.^