web hosting and what not...

Song i am listening to : Ah Du - Wo de xin tai ruan

mood : excitable

damn stupid bou lol.... every now and then he would suddenly come to life on msn, and starts talking to me about the most random stuff.

well kinda random stuff. from the time i first met him though, we had talk about everything, well mostly me. i had be confiding in him, and occassionally he had talked to me about his then girlfriend.

then we start talking about techie stuff.

this time around, he brought up an old topic, about buying a domain and so on, and then giving it to me or something, asking me if i need it.

see from ages ago, i wanted to have a webhost for my blogs or something so i can personalise more. at that time i have no idea how to personalise my blogspot's template. all that start blog thing and what not, was too confusing for me. not that i am at all good with html, but at least i can dreamweaver it all, or so i thought.

dreamweaver had changed so much since 1999 hehe, i am totally lost in it now.

stupid bou got me thinking about getting my own webhosting again, and hosting my own blog and what not. then he showed me a list of cheapo web hosters... man... he's making me have this urge. =.=

and jake got in on it too lol... he even considered giving up girlswithswords.com then moving over to gheistelfe.com (if i set it up) and yay... we bunk in together in the same webhost and what not. which is weird, but still... lmao... i don't mind, but i am kinda broke at the moment.

for one i am looking for a job so i can not worry about dad sending me allowance, for another i need clothes more than i need webhost. i find, more and more, i am too lazy to wash more clothes :P so i tend to just wear new ones and then, voila, nice new pile of washing to be done.

oh wells.

other than that, i need to go out more. =/ which is of course what a poor uni student can't afford. oh wells.

i do want my own domain and webhost and what not, although i have not a foggiest idea how to maintain it. i do want to have my own .com just coz i wants it. it's not like i need it for anything, other than, say if mum ever gets off her butt being lazy and what not and finally decides that perhaps my idea is good, then i would probably open an online boutique for her to sell shit as well.

but that if, is a big fat if. don't hold your breath, considering mum's attitude, it's never going to happen.

oh yer, the blog's skin changed. jake finally got around to producing the skins i asked him to make coz i am so bad at photoshop (i mean look at wade's face), so this is the first of the lot. i realised i should have made most of the blog easier to change than this, coz now everytime i change a skin, the links font colours and what not have to be changed too.

as well as the damn cursor. oh wells, you guys have been used to pink anyways, you can live with it abit more until i figure out what i shall use as a cursor.

to settle things down about copyright and what not, i have to apologise somewhat about not linking back to the original artists. first and foremost, most of my anime pictures were downloaded as backgrounds from hongfire. however, i believe hongfire did a full server reset or something, while basically trying to upgrade the gallery, losing a huge part of the gallery.

obviously when i look through the galleries and what not, i fell in love with the various backgrounds. hell, i even had a folder called "cute and sweet stuff" just for them. but i never kept any of their creator's names or links, coz the titles are already long enough.

i promise to try and record them when i download any from now on that i use, but any before that is going to be a bitch to find, now with the gallery wipe.

some others are taken from devianart. as with the case with hongfire, plus the fact that some of them were taken 2 years ago and so on, this is going to be a pain in the arse to link back. if you see your artwork here but not credited, just email me. i will just add a link.

these are the 2 places that i frequent for backgrounds for my desktop, that might eventually make it to this blog as it's skin. any others comes from various blog lurking... hehe...

oh wells. if i ever ever feel the urge again i might move from blogspot for good. by that time, you would know, coz, this wannabe geek will inform you, duh. too many of my friends read this blog as an update to them. any other persons read coz, according to one feedback, i was weird. well then. you deserved to be informed.


kitty nightmares

Song I am listening to : Vanessa Mae - One Moment In Time
Mood : confused


after being rudely awaken by my dad, in the wee hours of my sleep, i finally took a nap after my trip to civic and after playing the ringtone to jake on vent.

ah yes, the ringtone on my samsung e315, oh god, everyone ought to hear it.it's ssoooo cute i can't believe it lol... when i first started twiddling around the preferences and heard that ringtone, i was like "oh my god, that's ssoooo my ringtone" and died laughing :P i think most people liked it, but their reactions were mostly "omg wtf..."

Here's a sample of it, it's wav file though, poor terrorised boyfriend is sleeping so i have no one i know of who can changed that to mp3 for me. it will still open up in winamp anyways, stop whining. it's only 157kb anyways.

how cute isit? lol... sigh... i wana be able to reow like that to my own song too :(

anyways, while i was napping, i had that weird dream again. not sure if i mentioned it before, but i had a dream where me and cute little ninja kittens were trying to take over the world...

well something like that.

anyways, there i was standing in the middle of some war zone, all angelina jolie like, with all the guns and what not strapped on to me and it was all smoking somewhere behind me from some bombings, then this ninja kitty came flying out of nowhere and reported back to me..

"Ma'am! we have a retard in our custody! what do you want us to do with him?"

i was like *twitch twitch* "eh? who have you got?"

surprisingly, i wasn't shocked at a talking kitten.. oh wells. might be just coz i was dreaming...

the kitten lead me back to the "camp" which was essentially... a scratch post with tents.

it was wade... oh my god!!! poor wadge, all bounded up, with kittens sharpening their claws on the post scarily behind him, going "omg!! stop that!!!"

at that point, i think i actually laughed outside of my dream. but no matter. i asked the kitten in command what he was going to do to wade, he looked at me with a raised eyebrow "how about turning him into a ninja kitten? that butt looks good to be a kitten's.."

"i concur" says another kitten somewhere to my right.

i looked at all the kittens who obviously looked like they want that to happen too so i just nod my head.

they brought him to this canister thing, with lotsa watery boiling stuff and threw him inside. i don't quite remember what happen much during that point, that part of my memory got fuzzy...

but what i see next, oh god, it's going to terrorise me for the rest of my life.

oh yer.. that was the horror that i encountered, with his brown hair still attached, he now have a fur coat. ok, i am bad at photoshop, but go imagine the fur coat urself.

at this point, i decided to wake up... i didn't know if i should laugh or be mortified, my love of the kittens have kinda left a bad taste in my mouth when i saw wadge as a kitten..

not everyone is meant to be kittenized...

so here i sit now, all weirded out from my dreams, needing some warmth and some kind of normality here. someone save me!!!!!!

stupid business man

Song I am listening to: Enya - Only Time (Terror Remix)
Mood: moderately pissed

went back to crazy john's today, after i gave a call and asked if they had the code already, which they said they did. it turned out that he got the wrong code. it resets the phone basically but not unlock it. which is kinda gh3y. i mean, couldnt he have confirmed it before making me go all the way down? i know it's free and all and they don't earn anything from it...

blah. i just want to use my phone :( stupid t mobile. stupid samsung.

i have been reading forums on how to unlock it, and have a basically a good idea of how to do it. however, my cable doesn't seem to be working with the phone, which is making me more pissed. it shows offline on the program for my pc.


then upon trying to grab a cab, since my old hip injury flared up and i was kinda in pain, this retarded guy in all his business suit and suitcase glory, who was behind me in the queue, saw a grab, and WALKED UP TO IT AND FLAGGED IT RIGHT INFRONT OF ME AND HOPPED IN!


i hate businessmen now.


goddamn hip still hurts :(


wi-fi delight and phones fetish

Music i am listening to : some jazzy stuff
mood : warm

obviously with this damn font and all, i am away on a wi-fi spot again, on my laptop.

its just simply delicious to sit some place else that isnt my home, warm as this, with some cosy music to listen too, and something warm to drink.

it is after all, winter. cold, but not uncomfortably so, it being australia and what not. and this, being starbucks, means a great drink, and a damn nice spot to sit in.

for the past week or so, i waited anxiously for my new phone to arrive. one of my anxieties were mainly that my phone mioght be lost, damaged or i might have to pay taxes for it, after all it is a product bought outside of australia and being mailed in.

i dont know why it took longer than usual, but the damn beautiful thing finally arrived today, prettier than i expected, better than i hope. it will take a while to get used to, this being the first time i deviate from the usual nokia path. but it's not totally hard. i played with it for the little time i could, since i didnt have an international plug earlier on. the sms seems abit queer, space is # key, 0 is a smart keypad short cut and i cant remember what asterisk is.

and it has a camera! i am kinda excited since i opted for no camera phone ages ago since it always was expensive. it has since became cheaper tho. this phone is the same price, if not cheaper than, my nokia 6100.

then again, considering how backwards and expensive mobile phones are in australia, that maybe a reason why.

the camera on the phone seems to have digital zoom. i didnt quite read all the details on the website before, so when i saw the video cam function i was kinda O.o shock.

i do still want that 3g sony ericsson phone at some stage, since it has video conferencing function. but right now, i am so in love with this phone, i am over the moon. oh i know, i have a phone fetish, about as bad as my bag fetish, and shoe fetish. but its how i like my stuff anyways. besides, there's not point having a 3g phone when just about everybody dont have it and isnt able to video conference with me.

and the fact that its more than likely to increase my phone bills.

of course, if i am still studying here or far away from dad by the time he somehow gets video conferencing phones, he might go stupid and require me to get one too once he realises he can see me AND talk to me... sounds scary.

when the phone arrived though, i almost cried. after the long delay and wait, i found the damn phone was network locked to the evil T-Mobile. i didnt know then if the local shops had be able to unlock it, and lotsa solutions online seems cheap but takes a while, since i have to wait for cables to be bought online and what not.

that means another goddamn week in this already like, 2 months wait or something.

yer t mobile sucks like that.

so i had my bed time (yes, i sleep at retarded hours, aka, 10am) then woke up to dad's annoying incessant calls which of course resulted in a grouchy me.

went down to the shops and showed my phone to the crazy john phone guys at civic. they FELL IN LOVE WITH MY PHONE!!! MUAHAHAHA....

so when i told them my problems and what not, they didnt mind unlocking my phone for me, but t mobile would ask a price, probably 10-20 bux, so i would have to pay them for that. otherwise it's freeeeeee.... yay...

power to the people...

so somewhere this time tomorrow, i am going to have a functioning phone that has camera abilities and what not, and goddamn fully charged, and pretty. weee

i am insane....

oh and for people who play games, i don't know if u guys know whats leroy jenkins... it's this player from wow, who did something stupid and killed his entire party. well, basically just ran around and pick up what seemed like aggros. stu said those mobs were easy and the guy didnt have to touch all those mobs, but whatever, it was still goddamn funny.

last night, i hopped on jake's account while he hopped on mine, so he's the healer and me, the evasion tank... and then i did a leroy, lmao... i did warn him and adam though what i was about to do... but jake being un-used to actually being a healer, got me killed.. but still was hell funny, it being the most fun i had since a long time.

at the beginning when i first started grouping up, i used to dare vc to train ourselves. like 4 pink mobs, 3 red mobs or something. that was way before i even bothered to buy normal scrolls of escape. so i died often, but was hell fun.

last night's venture beats all that though. was like 3 spiteful soul group mobs, a few doom knights here and there, i guess totalling about 30-40 mobs. jake healed me before i actually do much damage to all the mobs, and some arent even properly attached to me, didnt notice much about his hp (YES I SAW UUU HEALINNGGG MEEE I DID! WHILE UR HP GOES ---------) and voila, he died.

they came back though, and rezzed me, and we went on at it again, this time with a proper functioning prophet, helped healing and yay.... we killed them all. but damn, it was fun. we had no aoe person in the party so it was hilarious. with laura tho, it suddenly seemed so much easier, plus the fact that me and jake switched back, since u know, he sucks as any character in game :P


i wants more!!!


Batman begins, then again

Song I'm listening to: F.I.R Wo men de ai
Mood: sleepy

aha, i totally zonked out for the last few hours, and now i am semi awake, semi unconscious, still spacing out every now and then.

i basically managed to get my room all cleaned up by 11am, but linxy went off to bed at about 5 am or so, coz i think leah woke up and he decided to sleep with her to lessen the noise and so she isnt lonely since she might be going home soonish. before he went to bed though, he started unpacking his speakers and what not, resulting in a bigger mess in the living room than before he started packing.

we were supposed to go watch movie at 2.30pm though, but i didnt know the full details or didnt really heard him the first time around, so basically went to bed after cleaning up, setting alarm to go off at 2.30 itself.

what amazed me though, was how inconsiderate linxy was. he decided that he would clean up before going, so that the landlady would turn up and see a clean home. i know he got up at about 11 or so, but i dont quite know why he didnt tell andoo and rosie we might not make it on time earlier.

by the time i got woken up by rose, they were already half way to woden, basically just checking where we were. all he did was said "crap" to me when he found out, but didn't suggest anything else, so rosie told me to tell him to get ready for the 3.30 session instead.

at the end of it though, the landlady did kinda told us we dont have to clean and stuff, if anything, the last time the evaluators came over, they just head to the balconny for a chit chat session.

from the looks of it, this time around, it didnt seemed like they even came in. she didnt pick up the mail that i left for her.

then we had batman movie. it wasn't bad at all, and i love alfred's sense of dry humour. if i ever get a butler, i definitely want him. well not him, just someone like him.

i also like how katie holmes looked when she was all passed out on a table. so hot.

somehow tho, the guy who plays batman, his face seems weird, abit off. like a botox job. i have seen him before tho, and i know its his natural face, its just how it seems so... hard. like a mask.

overall, the movie was great, nice action, fighting stuff, and what not. my only grudge was that it was slightly longwinded. then again it might have been just character development.

i know they kinda killed off the guy who was supposed to be the joker, and made it someone else instead, but since i am not like a huge fan or something, it's not something that bugs me. it is after all, a movie adaptation. there's only so much u can fit into a 2 hour movie and still hold attention.

we picked up stu for dinner after that, and bundled off to queanbeyan for dinner at central cafe, but it was pretty full and we were fucking hungry, so we went off to rendevous, which was nearby and bigger. the contrast was huge. it was almost empty. its not like the food is worse off than central, infact they were similar, but i dont get why central was in queuing status and rendevous was almost empty.

we had our fun though, and the waitresses were uber friendly, they had sing and dance to their radio while we just laugh at them and they had chat us up and so on.

tho i reckon it's probably coz they like stu and his "afro". they brought us a total of 3 servings of after meal mints, each forgetting that the earlier had given us some, and at the 2nd serving we were told to hide the evidence!

so we shoved it into stu's afro. lmao... he looked so pretty... all gold wrappers and whatnot... rosie and i couldn't stop laughing ahaha... so cute.

altho i admit, one of the ladies was right, stu's so big and hairy, u just either want to give him a hug coz he looks like a bear, or u had want to pluck out all that arm hair.

or wax him.

i swear he had kill me if i try. lol...

mmm ok... i will try and sleep again...


About women and wars

Song i'm listening to: Sun Yanzi - Wo De Tian Kong
Mood: lazy
Webpage i am reading: BBC News

Ok i am a nerd, i happen to like to read and the sad part is, i am actually just trying to procrastinate my cleaning of the room. i have resorted to reading news, my texts, my reading bricks, but good lord, every time i finish like one page, one chapter, one paragraph, i just couldnt bring myself to move more than one article in my room.

see, the landlord is coming in tomorrow to get some bank to refinance her apartment and they wanted to have a look around. but since neither me and linxy has effectively moved in (read: unpack all our shit), we aren't exactly in any state to let her allow the viewings. of course i can pack it up nicely in like 2 hours, but i am not very motivated to do so at this very moment.

one thing that caught my eye while reading though, has got to be women's status in the world, in peace time and at war.

from the woman who secretly got herself ordained as a priest, while under roman catholic laws, to the young woman who divorced her husband while being a child bride, to those little girls who were raped because they were the minority in burma, the abuses on women.

i don't quite know what to make of this. i thought we live in a modern world, regardless of the various situations we might be in. the bigger, more powerful states promise to protect the weak. but it seems, women will always be the last of the people to be protected.

although it's through we have come a long way since time untold, why are women still viewed as the primary home makers then, why are women viewed as the ones who should drop their jobs so that they can look after their children and depend on their men?

i know i am probably generalising too much, perhaps hoping too much as well, but child bride, arranged forms of marriage are still happening the world over. while it is technically illegal in some countries, it's not like the countries are actively enforcing the laws as much as they could to prevent such marriages from happening.

understandably though, it could be because the country is big, but what about the local policemen? why aren't they doing anything?

many things are happening, and authorities that could do anything about them are closing one eye to them, because they don't want the country to look bad, they don't want to interfere with traditions and what not.

in these modern times though, traditions are the very things holding us back in moving forth to being a truly modern society. maybe they don't want to be modern, maybe modernising the society is bad, because it can lead to other things. Then the vows of social equality and whatever other things in their speeches are just a pack of lies.

women are being undermined in their daily lives, in what's expected of them. it's ok for men to womanise, it's socially crippling if a woman is found in bed with another man that's not her husband or boyfriend.

it's ok for a man to be priest, because none of jesus's disciples are women. but nowhere in the bible was it mentioned that he didn't love his women followers as much, if not more or less. i am not talking about the controversial mary magdalene book, but i am talking about the actual bible. he acknowledge all of his followers as much as his 12 disciples.

and while eve was the first one to help commit the original sin, let's not forget that judiah was also the man to betray jesus.

that saying, since judiah betrayed jesus, are we sure we want possible descendants, relatives of that traitor on the altar?

fuck no. well not me anyways. who knows what they would do to sell out the church right?

but men has been at the altar for the last 2000 years and abit, while women have been at the back, silently supporting them, teaching them, studying with them, along their path to priest hood.

the bitches for the dogs.

so why no women priests? coz we might prove to be better? or are we still viewed as THE original sin?

i am not angry at the church, i am angry at the men who believes women as the cause and effect of everything, as the one to carry the responsibilities, as the one to bash up when things go wrong.

i am angry at the people who could do something about the women being abused, being neglected, being pushed around, and who does nothing because "it's none of our business what goes on behind closed doors, or out where we can't see".

as long as it happens on home grounds, as long as it happens within the same globe, under the same sun, the same sky, then it is your business, it is our business, because the next person that could be raped, could be punched, could be rejected by the society, could be you, your wife or your daughter.

because we are human too.

because your mum carried you around on her for 9 months or so, therefore she and those after her are worth it.

because if you are a woman, you wouldn't want all those ideologies enforced on you either.

because if you are a woman, the day you lost your husband and have to find work all over again to support your kids, you might wish you have a penis instead right from the start.

because if you are a woman, you don't want to feel unwanted.

because most of us as women, are proud that we are women.


mr and mrs smith

Song I'm listening to: Guang Liang - Tong Hua
Mood : punchy..

just done with movie with wadge and linxy. we watched, yep, mr and mrs smith, and damn, angelina jolie has got great boobs and ass. makes me want to punch them to test out if they are real or not.

no i'm not jealous, just admiring them.

it was a great movie, fast paced and well done. although the trailer pretty much let people know what happened in terms of, how they found out they were each other's enemy and so on. that wasn't the twister though.

through out the movie, i like the oomph they gave girls, like how women can be emotional but can be highly organised (read: anal) yet get the job done as well as, if not better than, guys can.

an all done with finesse.


and honestly, while it's a fast paced movie with lotsa fighting and shooting action, i find myself unsure as to hide behind wade's jacket or to laugh out loud. it was a cross between funny, scary and at times, really sad that i wana cry. ok, so i am a sod, does it really matter here.

what really interest me in this movie is how they totally redefined the entire meaning of violent sex.

oh yes, violent sex. some people like to call it rough sex, at times, sadomasochism.

this is... raw.. uncut... undescribable.

trying to kill each other before sex, punching, kicking, kicking of the testicles, broken glasses on the floor, its like WOW. they had sex all over these broken shit, doesn't it hurt?

then again, it might be more erotic. i'm all for wild sex.

this is more rauncheous than my wildest imagination though. really.

man. makes me wana watch it all over again.

mean while, to vent the hyperactivity that derived from watching people punch each other out, i took it out on wade, i think i broke his arse.

and he will be on flight for 24 hours to london tomorrow. oh wells. poor thing. he can just sit on a broken arse. and some broken arms. ooo man. i wana punch someone again.


random people

some people think i am random, with the stuff i say and the things i do.

hell, i have even been voted miss random on my schools gaming forums, for the exact same reasons. the poll started mainly because of a newbie poster who just decided to label herself postal's miss random anyways, without knowing much about the rest of us.

not that it matters much. i am not so crazy if u get right down to it.

but anyways, i discovered my random ness is probably due to my... asian heritage. here's the evidence.

i think the picture pretty much speaks for itself. picture taken from the lineage2 korean site, the forums section.

then again, people might call it a gamers' syndrome. i don't think most gamers i know would be able to come up with something like that though.




a long time ago i would write short stories, or series at times when i feel like it, and wanted so much to be a writer, because it was fun and was a form of escapism.

my secret to writing it well, as teachers used to say they were, were also the fact that they were my form of leaving where i was sitting to wherever and whatever i was writing. at times i had write so much and write so fast, that i had be panting and in pain at the same time, because i didn't have a pc. or well, i had a pc, but it died pretty fast.

in the process of writing, the story itself developes in my mind, like a movie that was unseen and i just let it flow from mind to paper. it seemed like the most natural thing to do and to allow to happen. for stories to tell me what they are, for characters to tell me their names.

when i am done with them, i wouldn't and couldn't correct my errors. there had be spelling errors or grammatical errors, basically from writing too fast and from having shaky hands. i just feel like, if i correct the tiniest error, i had tweak the story at times, and by the time i am done with corrections, the story is often no longer the same. and at times, because of the teachers' corrections, this is pretty often the case. they like to suggest stuff into certain paragraphs sometimes, which obviously was never part of the movies.

and me being the dictator of the story would refuse to hand in the corrections.

and i often get punished for "not doing her homework".

when exams came along, classmates had sometimes turn to me for help. i could mostly not hold a proper argumentative essay well, but a fictitious one was fairly easy for me so my classmates had come and asked me for advice and such.

i tried to explain about the movie thing and so on, but no one could get the idea easy, and even if they do, they still get penalised for bad english which also results in similar marks anyways. considering how most of them who asked for help refused to speak even proper english at school or something, i wasn't surprised.

i am not trying to be snobby, i don't have perfect english either. i just feel that attempting to hold proper conversations or have some proper form of english around you at times, rather than just 30 mins- 1 hour of the day would probably help better.

fast forward a couple of years, i started teaching tuition. few students i get actually cared about the tuitioning. they just complied with it coz their parents wanted it for them. i managed to bond with two of them at most, because we just clicked. they too, were just fulfiling parents' orders. the difference was, because we clicked well, we managed to do better and actually fulfil their parents' orders because we clicked and didn't try to rub each other sideways.

both kids were.. saggitarius (maybe that meant something) and one of them i still keep in touch. the other one, she moved and i changed my numbers right at that point in time where she was suppose to tell me where she moved to. so everything just fell out of place.

funny thing is, how we all grow up, and watching both kids grew, i kinda feel proud of them like they are my own kids. both's comprehension of english got better coz i was a part of it. they had problems with their new tutors (since i got here to study) and they had write to me about it.

i miss them, and at some point in time i guess i would go visit them when i get a chance to go back.

for viv, who just graduated from primary school and did fairly well in her first semester in secondary school, congratulations my dear... let nothing hold you back nor pull you down. :)

Song I am listening to: Whitney Houston - My Love is Your Love

Mood: Reminiscent...


stupid cakes

Song i am listening to: Akon - Lonely
Mood: grumpy

i planned to wake up like, 1 hour after i have slept, in the end i found myself snorting so hard in the middle of sleep that i actually woke myself up. how retarded.

rummaging through some pictures while trying to wake, i found that i suddenly have an urge for cakes. i know, it sounds dumb to get the urge while looking at pictures. but i havent quite ate cakes for a year or more now... wait, probably more. my family isn't into celebrations of any sort either, so we don't have birthday cakes for any occassions.

parents are those chines-y people who thinks if we are to celebrate we gotta go through the entire tradition and what not, which obviously does not involve any cakes either. just noodles and being locked up in your room.

then again, my parents have long forgotten how old i am. my mum says i am 27, my dad says i am 20.

anyways, so i dressed up, coat and all, happily went out into the morning cold.

to find a stupid shop all closed up with the cakes well on display.


to be honest, i started pawing at the glass, staring at it, and stomping around.

i guess i could have gone to civic and gotten some cakes and what not. but it's retarded. the boards were up promoting this evening's deal, and it usually is open at this time of the day. so why isnt it opened now!?!?!?

after creating quite a scene, i checked out the supermart but NOOOOOO none of them have anything interesting there.

why aren't shops opened when i need them? infact why isnt anything there or easy to find when i needed it but rains on me when i don't?! it's like this huge conspiracy against me!

first it was all the stuff ingame. then, its all the damn stuff in real life. damn cakes.

good news is, my new phone is finally arriving. stupid t mobile. i be awaiting it on thursday, unless something screws up, and customs decide that i should pay gst for a pretty phone.


no pictures yet till then.

oh well if u want, jake took a piccy of it to show me what my phone looked like when he got it.


not like it helps the wait any better. it's a samsung e315, not a spectacular model, just that i love anna sui, her designs, and purple in general. yes, my first love was never pink, it was infact the most hated colour i had for a while.

before that, my favourite colour was purple, various shades of it infact. i still love it, especially lilac. somehow, the colour doesn't like me so i have stopped wearing it now.

when i was about 10-14 or so, i turned goth for some reason, and basically insisted to the world i was a vampire. parents obviously didn't help, THEY insisted i was a vampire to me too. i started a large collection of fangs and black and white clothes with blood hints on it. my mum's a tailor/seamstress, so before i turned 14 or so, most of my clothes were made by her.

you can guess what happened.

i requested a wardrobe of goth clothes, from vapid looking ones that was like a rip off from some mad anime (well i didn't really know much animes then or the difference, so it's like a cross between a vampiric looking sailormoon and some marvel comics character).

ok that wasn't part of what i intend to say. but yes, the phone should be reaching australia this week, it's purple, it's black and it's pretty. and it's a camera phone my first !! so happy. dad got a new phone for himself last year when his got stolen. and it had a camera in it, as part of a certain loss plan by m1, his service provider. which meant he could get phones cheap. well certain ones anyways.

my mom got all excited. when he called me first after he got his new phone, mom snatched the phone and started screaming "it's a camera phone!! it's a camera phone!!!" i just stared at the wall then asked "what's so surprising about that?"


anyways, yay... my anime downloaded... well tsubasa chronicles anyways. still waiting for bleach to be translated. in the mean time i tried this quiz... with the bleach anime in mind basically trying to figure out which of the 10 or something main characters i resemble the most.

Take The quiz yourself

eh, i am not pretty, beautiful on the outside, but this girl has damn big boobs. i need plastic surgery...

EDIT: well um.. guess what bf got for his part of the quiz?

Take The quiz yourself


on nudity and blogs

was reading around and realised plenty of issues about a particular blogger and her choice of putting her nude photos on her own blog.

many people have comments about it, and singapore being singapore, there was as much negative comments about it as there were nonchalent ones.

to set the record straight, i don't view her blog much, not a big fan, but not like a hater or anything. my point of view on that whole issue is that, the blog is on the net, if it's not hers, it would be somebody else. everyone willingly accepts porn on the net, but such personal nude pictures on her own blog could only be viewed as an artistic portrayal of herself, especially in the context that it was taken in, the article that it was posted in and so on.

there's nothing wrong with artistically taken pictures, and even if it was a sexually suggesting one, there shouldn't be too much of a controversy on it. how many of us has chanced upon porn, or deliberately viewed porn webpages and didn't think twice about it? not many of us can be innocent on that.

just because someone decided to put her own nudity up on a public area, does not mean she's any more or less moral than us, or that her parents did nothing in nurturing her.

everyone has a sex life too.

2 thousand years ago, it was perfectly fine to have sex, to be married and so on.

what makes it so different 2000 years later?

many people might point out, 2000 years ago, our lives were nomadic, barbaric, with few civilisations, and can't be compared to today.

however, 2000 years from then, most of what have changed is the exterior, the facade we put up for everyone. once in bed, everyone's an animal. what, you're going to say "excuse me please" while before you cum?

better yet.

"please don't look" when ur stripping while having sex? or "please don't touch"?

that would sound hilarious but if that's what comes out of "civilisation", geez, sex must be a very boring thing.

then again, considering how loud some people can be in bed, i foresee other scenarios. to be a considerate neighbour, they would stifle their moaning and groaning while having sex.

all these are part of a normal sex life. there didn't seem to be any changes in that while the rest of our lives got civilised.

now back to the girl who posted her nude picture on her blog, 2000 years ago, people might have said more like "that was a nicely done picture". we, their descendants, who are "civilised" should probably head towards "i wonder what camera/lightings and such were used" than "her parents taught her shit"

we choose our own paths in life, not our parents, not the people who judge us, but us. so, even if ur shy about your body, and jealous that other people have the ability to post something up about themselves, don't let it get to you. and don't judge others.

cause the day u show ur hairy butt to the rest of the world, we might not take it lightly.

and i don't understand the media very well. why's it that so many people have nude picts all over, and yet when ONE singaporean post her nude pict on her blog it's such a hoo ha? surely as journalists, and the fact that singapore is also well hooked to the internet than even, say, rural australia, they should have seen some form of artistic imagery. and yet there's so much fuss over ONE blog.

geez. ran out of news topics?



been a nice 2 days worth of sleep. that's how tired i am. from being sick, and from having all those damn showers.

finally had my first warm bath and then i went out again, hunting for free wi fi spots and ended up back at the first one that i know of anyways. it's getting colder here, and a little drizzy at times. i almost froze to death that night, but i happily ate up all that creamy potato croquette :D

for now i have nothing much to update, because nothing much is happening. it's nice to walk around, eat out and stuff, instead of feeding on microwaved food or what i could cook.

it's great to be just sleeping around room though >.> as long as i didnt just passed out on my clothes in the walk in wardrobe...


quitting the tards

i finally lost it.

after many attempts to login at the time they want me to login, not getting parties, not being able to lvl yet expected to die for them while they are not prepared to listen and be perfectly capable of any teamwork whatsoever, i left ds, at least for now.

it's not good news, nor a great relief. after one home, i left for another "home" and i was happy, if even for a while. but things catch up. i can't stand how nobody listens in the sub, and everyone mostly parties with their clique. i know you can't avoid cliques but at least, if you want me to be any higher level, surely i must stop delevelling and start levelling.

what was most memorable was how i died in a siege, and no one cared to re level me back like they promise-- because they were using my account and not me.

oh i could start parties, but how many people would whine, how many people would want prophet buffs?

at this point, i don't know if i want to play anymore anyways. a healer without a clan is hard to level, but i dont feel like being clanned any time soon, since i dont want to be near retards.

i guess it's time for either a full reroll or just go back to playing cs, after all, i can be with retards on cs, but i dont have to be a part of them that would piss me off.

another thing, in games, i realise there are very few girls playing, the gospel according to men with small dicks. last night was the most appalling night in terms of behaviour. someone realise ooo so and so is a girl ( some newbie i don't know) and shout chat suddenly became all alive and full of horny guys.


keep your dicks in.

just coz your wildest fantasy doesn't play games, doesn't mean that girls don't play games.

and girls play games way better than guys, as far as i am concern, although we all pms every few days or so.

at any rate, the good news is, my hot water is finally back up, after i almost froze in my bathtub last night and had to boil water... AND

my glasses arrived...

while i still look nerdy as ever, i'm not all that blind.

something seems wrong with the glasses though, like wrong degree or summat....n so i am fairly disoriented at times. oh wells. i am still sick, maybe that's it.

i KNOW all this is in hard to see pink, too bad, GET OVER IT... muahahaha


waking up

tissue paper

crumpled bags

clothes strewn over the floor, spread by time and space.

uncleaned dishes

more personal items.

sounds like a crime scene.

no it's my damn room which has gone to hell ever since i got sick coz i was just too sickly to bother cleaning up. now i wake up, look at it all and go, what the hell.

i curl up in my bed for more warmth as i find air to breathe.

i hate being sick, makes me feel so vulnerable. makes me feel so unclean.

my only comfort is, that my stuff are so little it's easy to clean up without worrying about too much time effort and dust and dirt. although i know i would worry about them anyways, and set about vacuuming it up.

and i have grown so disinterested in everything around me, l2 included. i don't know what i am doing. stupid sickness. but l2 wise, i guess it's not my being sick that's at fault.

since a while back i have started picking on who i should party with to lvl and what not, and one by one these people are quitting or not logging on as much anymore. i guess that's the sad part about being a healer where one must always find someone to party with to lvl efficiently... i am not all that adaptable at times, especially when i know that putting myself in other parties might result in me being frustrated coz other people might be stupid and so on.

i have started a new character but i do not know if i would reroll. all my past friends are dwindling and at some stage all would be gone. the only reason i played this game so much was coz of the people, they made it fun, i made it fun. now playing alone, is going to be so... not awesome.

school wise, i kinda don't know what to do coz suddenly, seems like i won't be working for the job that i desire.

oh wells. time will tell, time will tell.

meanwhile, i feel like attacking some stupid plumber... so that my filters and all will be fixed.

and dad just called, asking for english services (aka, how do you spell this!!! help me write a damn letter!!! but all in english!!!) and then laughed at my coughing, telling me that i shouldn't have visited antique... -.-

and would a certain boyfriend come over and clean my room? kkthx.

(boyfriends are part-time maids)



just done with 24, the entire first season.

since i started being sick the night before, i finally got myself started on the first disk proper and got hooked. Like most series that draws viewers to watch it, this has it's own elements to keep their viewers interested and so on, and one of which is this method of "who's dunnit" issue, and also how it's spread over 24 hours, each episode an hour of that eventful day.

people might ask, "why weren't you playing l2 instead like you usually do?" truth is, i had to sleep every few minutes, my head was exploding in every single direction every now and then, i didn't even felt like moving out of my bed, much less play in an ever moving environment.

so sit in the bed, i must, with laptop on my lap just watching every single episode in bed, occassionally recharging the poor thing so that it can survive the next 6 hours and so on.

back to 24, it was a good show, lotsa twists and turns that you wouldn't expect, unless you were like me, read reviews, read the pamphlet and what not such that all is known to me. hehe. well, to be honest, i am a wuss when it comes to ripping flesh. that's right, i can withstand blood, i can withstand bombs and so on, but even the very sound of flesh ripping apart makes me cringe and wince and that's why the bed was the perfect place.

i used the blanket to cover my eyes.

so having the reviews around me was to prepare for what's coming up, and of course, to know what happened next.

i am kind of an impatient person, usually wanting something wrapped up within an episode or so, if not maximum 4 episodes. so with something like this spread over 24 episodes, it drove me mad, albeit it had lotsa interesting storyline, character development and drama drama drama. i did enjoy it though, don't get me wrong, i just wanted it to end sooner so i had know who to dislike!

admittedly though, when one of the characters convulsed due to grief, i actually cried, more than felt awww move on already. that was how much the characters got to me, and how much i could relate to them.

but this show started alot of thinking on my part. i don't like to learn things, but i like to know things, i like to research and find out more about them, rather than have someone feed them to me. like a hands-on thing, don't know if any of you understand what i mean.

if you check on to the 24 website and run thru jamey farrell's profile on character profile, that's pretty much what i had probably end up doing, professional hacker, if i had the patience and ability too. sad to say, i hate maths, and i hate all that mathematical "logic" behind all the computing bs, so no, i won't be hacking into your computer any time soon to see what kind of porn you like.

just pure data collecting though, that's so... intriguing. to know more about something, someone, some place, some... something. knowledge isn't power, but it's really beautiful. maybe i am just weird you know... just really weird like my friends say i am.

in the mean time, i am still just a silly, stupid university student, half sick to death and wanting to get well. oh i am slightly better today, other than the 5 min hacking i did into a phone call while i was checking on our pipes filtering. i just want to stop sounding like a hussy. i am sure i sound and act better than the real life show that hilton put up.

i had a glance at it yesterday and i was like, omg.... ffs, they had the worst memory, worst attitude and worst brains. i am not saying i am so much smarter, but geez, can you get any more bimbotic than that?

although linxy suggests that they seem more intelligent than that, that everything was just a cover-up for more popularity and attention, admittedly though, if one can think something up that's so bimbotic, surely, just surely, there must be some drop of truth to it all!

oh wells. they can afford to be bimbotic. just hope the next generation of theirs isn't close to being like that or worse *shudders*


mad boyfriends

you know how boyfriends would try and cheer u up when ur sick and miserable and just a great piece of work....

welcome to my boyfriend's version of all that...

it's so mad ain't it!??!


sick person's boredom

being sick is one of the most tiring thing on earth. i don't want to do anything that would actually require some effort coming out from my brains.

that said, i actually thought of what to eat today, and what to do since i really don't feel up to it to play lineage today, go out, watch mr and mrs smith by myself as i secretly planned yesterday, and so on.

i wanted a good time out for myself today after siege and pvp practice, but as it turned out i was too sick to do anything, was sniffling in bed till 3pm. it's not a bad thing to lie in bed, but when you're feeling miserable and all sore and raw in the throat and sniffling... you'll be dying to get out of the bed and actually walk out to breath some fresh air.

except that you won't feel up to it.

and that's how bad i feel right now, with my throat raw as hell and the tap of a nose refusing to shut down properly.

i started reading news online, looking at different award winning blogs, admiring their writings and designs. i read some other political stuff that is related to my course for the second semester, but a half dead me just wanted bed again, although i really don't want to get in there.

the right side of my head feel warm, while the left side seems numb and starting to throb. somehow that reminds me of a penis, but i really shouldn't start imagining my head as a penis... it's pretty disturbing especially because i know i have far more intelligence than that.

amidst all these readings, and behaving like an ass on myspace, i started thinking again what to work as when i eventually do graduate. i do want to do at least honours, then masters or something. but in the mean time, i think my parents are no longer financially capable enough to see me through all that.

however, i don't feel like working in singapore. Don't ask me why, i just don't feel like it.

i have always kept to it that i never felt right at home in singapore. now having studied here for the past 2.5 years, it's even more painfully obvious about that. these past couple of months, i have been reading blogs on people returning back home to singapore after graduating from here, reading how they assimilate themselves back into the society seamlessly.

i dread reading them, but i still do. i dread thinking about going back, but i have to. i don't hate singapore, and a part of me will always be singaporean. but like i said, i don't feel like i am a whole part of it. i always felt like something odd that somehow ended up there by chance.

so what now? i am not exactly australian, i am no where. sigh.

being citizenless might be good. i shall go underwater and say hi to the fishes.. they seem to belong nowhere, despite countries claiming territories over different sections of the oceans and what not, i am sure fishes and what-nots at least wouldn't be able to tell the differences between the different slangs.

much less speak it.

so once i get better, i am going to hop over to sydney, probably hop off the harbour and go talk to the fishes. despite whatever scientists may say, i am sure they have far more intelligence than humans would admit to. i mean, we are always in denial anyways.

i am sure fishes would agree with me. i will tell you what those fishes say later on, when i do talk to them. meanwhile, let's wait for me to recover and stop feeling like a muck.

Feeling sick~

it's been a while since i posted, mainly coz i was busy gaming, trying to solve my headset issues and then more gaming, eating out and so on.

i guess this accumulated to me being sick. i am having a damn sore throat now, and my nose won't stop dripping like some broken tap. the sore throat came from the dripping nose, so i am basically coughing up fluids and feeling all shit, right off the cuff.

then again, i was at sydney, this place that often gives me this stupid sickness anyways. stupid dusty, polluted places.

on another note, greg has made a "myspace" thing for himself, one of those new sites up that tries to combine everything together into one place, like msn space or something. the thing about such free places is that you can't customise as much as you could like on blogger. or you could, but the basic layout still have to adhere to theirs. and most of the time, it can get pretty messy.

greg is just a kid though so don't mind his stuff lol. it's funny when u read it at this age, sometimes cute, but he's really just 16 or something, not the big ol' 19 that he wants to be.

back on myspace though, i kinda like the way i could add in my moods, what i am listening to and so on. stuff that wordpress and typepad does allow. one costs money though, and the other requires space that i don't have on the shared ftp i have with jakie, my cutie. but i don't really want to move from blogger, nor pay for those stuff anyways, it's just a damn blog where i pour out stuff on.

i did create an account though just to read some blogs while i am sniffing away at the pc, and i even started a myspace blog just to see how their templates and all that work, and this is the result lol, it's so pink and blinding!! but better than my first run at it, where everything was just bright pastels till u can't see shet.

also, me and jake finally got our pink blogskin done up with html and so on.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

we put it up on blogskins just for the fun of it to see what's the reaction of people's and so on. sadly, i am an idiot, i still don't know how to upload skins and so on, so somehow for some reason, it won't show up on the preview so i actually had to make another test blog so that it would show up. i put up such a lengthy description of it though i am not sure everyone actually read it. it had a total of like, 9 downloads as of last night, 2 from me though coz i was checking if the codes show up despite the broken preview.

then i went on this wi-fi hunt around canberra. i know there are lists everywhere, but i can't seem to find lists that shows free wi-fi spots. so far, those that i have found from various lists requires some payment. and australia being australia, it's pretty much an exhorbitant amount. 22cts per kb dl.

the one that i found by chance though, was totally free. i am not going to list it here, as it might start charging fees then. email me if you want to know where. i am not saying i want to be a free loader and what not, but you know, most of the times, if people do use the wireless there it isn't for more than a couple of hours, and that's inclusive of whatever we do in those places. i just don't think it's right to charge for minute usage, on top of the profits that they are already earning from us for the various services we might be spending in the aforesaid place.

sigh to sick to play, or eat. i shud just eat though, coz otherwise when i get un-sick i am going to be this ravenous monster...

meanwhile, if anyone knows of a program or something that i can make blogger have all those emotes, the mood thing, music and stuff, do tell it's nice to personalise my own diary abit more...


bad headset

if ur blinded by this post, it aint my fault. i am sitting under the table to try and get my broken headset to work and it seems my mic wud no longer work. according to my dear pc, and mac, it seems the mic section of my headset conveniently decided to disappear of the radar of my pc settings.

but refusing to believe that i shoved my ibook under the table and plugged everything in coz that's where all the wires are.

sadly tho, it seems to be completely dead, so no more singing of elmo songs to terrorise the cs community, no more laughing like a hyena on ds vent, no more rubber ducky and i'm lonely to cg vent...

and no more abusing of tess verbally. how sad.

then i hopped on blogger just to try and vent abit to find that oooo there's no wysiwig editor thing here, at least its not showing up. since i am pretty useless in html, i dont know the colour codes off hand... nor the size codes.

so blindness is in order for u guys until i can figure a way out... or just hop back on my pc to do this.


regardless of what u do, i am going to be miserable coz i cant use voice communications over the net till, and if, linxy brings back a headset/mic tonight.

either ways it sounds like i have to move my speakers from the bath room with my ipod and all...



might i just add, i feel like a freja now, this guy whose sound card died a year ago or something, and then he could only hear not talk.

i feel so lonelyyyyy.... i wonder how he could bear it for a year!


maple story

i just discovered a new game tonight!! it's also a cutsie form of mmo (like roseon, but 2d... kinda.). i havent quite really played it much but the various emotes and so on made me laugh so much...

here have a look

it's so cute!! i have even made emoticons from the various emote faces the characters can put up with like this yer yer!!! ahaha

damn cute right?

still haven't had any replies from the stupid company that's in charge of these apartments, so i guess its more cold showers for me why cant they just let me be happy and safe?

on with the drama on ss side, i don't feel like posting there, so i shall just state it in my own blog about what i feel.... my own space after all, no one to hand me the ban stick.

when a clan, a group or even communities are formed, leaders being leaders are naturally looked upon as... well leaders ( u shud get what i mean) people who basically are the role models, even if it's for a while.

even if it's just a game, or something in real life, being a leader is never easy, but the main issue is that i, as a leader, respect everyone else and hopes that it's reciprocrated... some times it does not, some times i would not be appreciated, other times i can be damned to hell, the most important point is to actually keep your cool about it.

why did div and heri made everyone so upset? from various point of views, what i understood was no one was "respected" out right. everyone was kinda "ignored" or "shot down", which resulted in them being looked upon as power hungry, especially div and her ban stick wielding.

the point is, if one is so much in the right, why would there be so many unhappy people? it's true, if u make a decision, not everyone is going to like it. but if 80% of the people are upset about it, telling u it's not the wisest choice and so on, wouldn't it be fairer to actually listen on it.

leaders will have to be listeners at times too. that's why it's hard to be a leader, because i would have to swallow my hard-ass ego to actually sit and listen.

searching and listening to the opinions of others is not that hard a thing, although it is always easier to wield the ban stick in front of everyone.. and just deny everything.

but it doesn't make it right, nor make the problem go away.

if the problem blew up to this point, then blaming it all on one person (aka lexi) is even more wrong. do recognise that once u deferred authority onto someone, u can't just come back and say "ok i am guna help u solve the problem, by suggesting this and this and this and expect at least 70% of them to be carried out, because i say so coz i made the clan". nothing in this world works that way, unless ur hitler and u do a great job at brain washing.

my own hate with div and heri though, is all on my own maybe someone had agree with me and be as bitchy as i am, but in the mean time, most of my disgust with div, and later on a slight bit, with heri, derived from the few incidents that i actually had a run in with them.

as long as i was in the same vent as div, mostly, i felt uncomfortable so i don't try and stay long.

i may not have known much about what happened first hand, but like i said, i don't believe in purely banning someone, kicking someone from a group just 'cause you can, just 'cause someone to say do it and so on. i mean, clearly the person has the ability to leave, but if he's taunting you to do it, wouldn't it be wiser to calm down and have a discussion later, rather than "i got home, i was expecting a relaxing evening, instead i got insulting messages thus i boot him, and he requested anyways..."

sounds like an autocratic hoe, no?

what u do not know, what u do not want to face, would never make any problems right, in my opinion.

ahhhh nice long rant woooo.... now, for a cold shower and bed

damn forgot to link you guys to the new game, it's called maple story...

cold water

this is deft and dumb. the water has been gradually getting colder since we moved in. originally they were warm right from the start.

then it changed to me having to turn them on for abit before they had get warm.

today's water decided to be freezing cold. i stepped in and almost died. hypothermia in my own bath tub!! wtf is that about!?!?!?

then the accumulation of all the drama i have heard/witnessed finally came to a climax, with regards to my game anyways.

most people should know i am friendly with alot of clans, especially shadow sanctuary, we went quite a ways back. during my early dealings with them, i also happened to be friendly with another clan, the now defunct D!E clan, who also happens to be the earlier versions of the "baddies" (as someone once put it o.o), just going around griefing people and so on and having a laugh.

ultimately i don't really care what u do in game, coz game is still a game, although some actions do piss me off, it doesn't mean i am guna hate u irl too.

anyways, one time i was helping to ressurrect this guy who was in D!E clan who proceeded to perhaps grief Shadow peeps or something, but it never happened, and i wasn't the only healer and so on. but somehow word got around that i was healing them against shadow sanctuary clannies and i got banned from the ventrilo and stuff for ages.

that was despite the fact that i was actually the one who notified them that Wiser was coming...

so all these misunderstanding accumulated to me being embarassed by their stupid clan leaders, Divinity and Herithius who didn't bother to clear anything up with me, nor apologise nor anything along that line for a very long time. and of course i was upset that they didn't even see that hey, i notified them.

so moving along a few months later, div and heri game hopped to wow, and i sneaked back onto vent finally because everyone missed me or so i was told, and i started talking to everyone again.

of the few people that i met ingame, they were one of the very best lot of people, synerge, crow, soribel/katyana/leilana, zurra, namja etc.

the others were of course my clannies, sojuman, darkgummi, chosam (the 2nd one), chunk the hoe, and some others...

and then my "enemies", diawa, xephia (erratic person whom sometimes makes me wana hit him too)

the list goes on. BUT this wasn't what i meant to say -.-

anyways, so after game hopping for abit, div and heri finally decided to come back to l2, despite cussing at it, saying how bad l2 was and so on when they initially left. (it was on their forums, but they deleted sections of it, so now its all plain and gh3y all over again).

but with them they bring a storm of new ideas derived from NOT having played l2 for like ages. they wanted to pvp like how they did in wow and various other issues. and finally got everyone mad when they got disrespectful towards their allies and everything kinda blew up from there...

not to mention the other small factors that were already brewing in the background... (imagine this, a lvl 58 person who had played for quite abit before he quit, not knowing what other classes can do or can't do.. or what haste buff does...)

and everybody had a secret meeting to basically kick them out of the clan (u can't say everyone revolt and leave clan since, we are talking about practically EVERYONE!! so yer, its booting the leaders out of the clan...).

yes they are leaders, and yes they did make the clan. doesn't make them autocratic hoes.

so about 4 weeks after returning into l2, they conveniently got everyone mad enough to boot them from alliance. and instead of facing up to their faults, anyone who questions their motives or actions gets the ban/kick stick...

from divinity..

finally, even those unrelated people from the other games who asked why laura was banned, got the ban stick without much of an answer...

all i can say is...




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my confessions

have u a secret so deep, so dark, u can't tell anyone but urself?

have u a secret where if u told someone, u know someone be aghasted... be disgusted at you, this somebody that they thought they knew?

here's my little dark secret, for you:

i got my idea from postsecret, this intriguing new blog i discovered (ok so its not very new but whatever.) where there were some funny secrets, but some truly macabre ones, and others, truly painful ones.

everyone of us have our own secrets, some good, some bad, others downright funny, and furthermore that are painful beyond belief.

to be honest, that secret of mine, was a derivation of my attention seeking needs. my sister was a newborn then (she's now 16) and i was about 8 or 9 or something. she had so much attention from my parents who were newly... freed from work. my mum's job had lightened far much by then, as her business had started failing.

my dad was also working less since working conditions improved and he was promoted too. so with the new addition to the family, everyone's attention was on the baby.

aunts had fly in, ride in just to see her and gossip and so on, catch up with mum and etc.

as a kid, i didn't understand all these, nor the needs of a baby. all i could feel was that i was unloved, unwanted. obviously mum didn't make it easier for me telling me stuff like she wished i was as good a baby as my sis was, and that if she had a choice, she would have pinched me to death as a baby.

8 years old can't understand such cruelty so obviously to me back then, my new sister was taking the attention my parents had on me to herself.

besides, i asked for an elder sister, not a younger one.

so my "order" was all wrong. and i decided to correct it of my own accord.

taking a pair of scissors from mum's work room, those large industrial ones since mum was a seamstress of sorts, i headed slowly towards my sister, going off in my head that i was sorry, but she was all wrong and thus she had to go.

but in my head, i lost my balls. i couldn't figure out a way to tell God why i did that, nor why a poor innocent had to die for my parents' mistakes.

eventually, as she giggled at me, i lost my will and just sobbed there with my pair of scissors in hand.

sad aye?