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5/31/2005

man i wish humans dont have to eat. then i can just sit sleep, play, games, shower go out shopping blah... i mean... the time needed to cook these things plus cleaning up and such. it's just dumb.

why can't we just lie out flat and absorb sunlight for energy just like plants? we are living things after all!!! in the end.. the sun is almost useless, save vitamin something that we only get thru being sunburnt and other things.

been playing games for the last few days since i was "released". not sure if it was a good or bad thing, considering that it also happened to be the siege weekends ingame. i met more retards than was assuring. i admit though, in games like these where u practically live there, strangers are easier to piss u off than friends, coz u expect the same type of common sense as urself. when they do stupid shit, i know i get so upset.

stuff like talking like they know everything, like they have big balls. and i can actually prove them wrong. it just shits me. i play this game however i fucking please, thank you very much. don't tell me who to rezz and who not to rezz, u dont own my game, i don't tell you what to do.

what i can't believe is the nerve of my friend, oh yer a friend, telling me exactly what to do in a game i BOUGHT and pay for monthly fees, what to do in a game. then threatening to kill me in a damn game just coz, ooo i don't do as he pleases. hi, silly, notice how many times u killed me wartagged or nai. how much i care. none. i treat u as a friend with respect, do it as such.

funny thing is, he doesn't find out certain facts. set isnt lars, and vice versa.

oh wells. whatever he say is correct.... it's a guy after all. a guy is ALWAYS right. gg. like all good friends, they all annoy. i shall just sit in my corner and mumble to myself.

i don't know what to do this holidays. dad seemed to have sent me extra cash to like, go melbourne or something. but its not like a damn lot. i need a break in a hidey hole tho, maybe outback alone? hehe, then i be eaten by kangaroos!

funny thing abt kanga's and koalas. last few days i been talking to a few people. they all seem to be asking me the same thing. "have u seen a kanga yet?" "how's playing with koalas?" "possums are cute huh, are they cuddly?"

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hi... these are wildlife you're talking about. do i look like i am about to go get myself mauled by them for ur entertainment pleasure?

no. that's right.

zoos are zoos. most of them are commercial, if not all. tame animals in there does not often equate tame animals outside. if i am to go out now and grab a possum like my ex neighbour did last year, i might lose half a face. not quite sure if its worth it at that point then... eh?

so for all you hippies out there, yes animals are cute, we ought to help conserve their numbers, they are a huge part of our lives.

that doesn't mean i am guna risk my life to hold them in my arms for your pleasure.


pAnDaR~
5/31/2005 10:10:00 AM
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5/30/2005

may i just add, that i am writing this with full on fury...? ok not really, but almost full on fury, since i have tried to sit down and mellow out but, yer, it's not working.

what happened tonight that blew me off, was that linxy asked me ingame to wash dishes coz he needs to use microwaveable dishes to make dinner for himself. there's nothing wrong with that part, since i did mention to clean last night's bout of dishes as he cooked. but much as he was busy ingame, i had also just woken up and was still in that blurry mode, and wanted to breathe a little.

or maybe just do it tomorrow. i had a siege earlier today and ended up not sleeping for the past like 28 hours before. so i was tired, aching all over and just woke. and trying to have my dinner.

so i was like, hey, i wash up often. dont need to have a go at me, i will clean up. so he started whining "but the microwaveable dishes are dirty and i need to make microwave dinner...".

i am not sure if he had a look at the shelves though. there was at least a couple of microwaveable bowls left. the new bowls though, i am not sure if they are microwaveable, but if they are, that's 10 bowls or something for him off the cuff.

so i told him "if u need just one bowl, just go wash one, its only 1 bowl vs many that i be washng."

note: all these in clan chat, in a farken game. talking to me, 10 meters away, is so hard.

then he starts whining about how he's been washing my dishes recently and its not fair that i make him clean this dish too for his own consumption. so i started getting mad. "look, i have also been cleaning ur dishes since we move in. it's just one dish linxy."

oh no.. "but yer most of those dishes were ur own, like i wash those dishes even tho there's only 4 of mine and 20 of urs." ok. u don't count how many times u have washed our dishes since we moved in, but u count how many dishes u have washed vs my impossible 20?

so i asked him "and this conversation goes in the game? why?" no replies. next line goes out to wadge and andoo.

went over and had a yell at him. "why, u can't talk outside of game dude?"

silence.

"i wash ur dishes too linxy."

"and i wash urs too" sullen reply ...

"yes but how many times linxy? ask urself that."

"i don't count panda!"

"oh and i do? how many times have u cleaned the bins?"

"i do my share too.. (blah blah blah that i was too busy yelling at him to actually listen)"

"yes u do, but ask urself dude, how many times have i cleaned ur shit, how many times have i carried out the trash and you have not. and does the convo with me ends up being ingame now?"

"no, i was ingame, ur ingame, so we talk there. i was busy talking to friends at the same time too ingame. what's wrong with talking ingame anyways?"

"that's not the point linxy! we live in the same house, u don't live far away from me, nor upstairs downstairs so don't give me that bullshit. and i am not here to be your maid,"

"i am not saying that you are! it's just with all these dishes in the sink, i can't clean just one bowl or 2"

"there's not all that many dishes linxy. it's just ONE bowl"

the hazards of living with someone u actually know as a housemate is that, when u do boil over, u boil over coz u have been keeping quiet about it for a long time, or u guys think that since ur friends, its ok to do this and that, not realising that the other party might not like it. then when u finally realises it, u hit the roof or the other party has already hit the roof.

first off. if u want to talk to someone who stays with you, do you

1) use the farken net to chat ? (msn/exodus/aim/whatever goddamn technology is out there)

2) or ask them in a general place in a game (something like damn irc chat with everyone in the goddamn room) to do something?

3) walk the fuck over by like 5-10 meters to that goddamn faraway place to ask if he/she is going to damn wash the dishes? even though, subconsciouly, u know if u ditch ur dishes there, and she being a little on the anal side, would eventually wash it coz it farken stinks?

i don't know how other people view it, i think rl friends > ingame friends and rl is always more than a fucking game. or maybe i am wrong and shud stfu and listen to my dad that guys don't like to lift a finger to fucking move out of their damn comfy chairs.

or better yet, listen to linxy's conservative chinese friends and basically as a girl, clean the fuck out of his room, the apartment and whatever shit that is here, whether or not it's my crap or his, just so he can play more games and relax when he's home.

but wait, i am not his maid, i am not his gf, why the fuck would i want to do that, or see a need to? oh wait, according to those friends, its coz i am his friend, i am a girl, and I LIVE IN THE SAME GODDAMN PLACE. fuck that, linxy's friend can be our maid.

but i digress. our home is set up such that we can use intercom on our phones. if i am on exodus (this msnger thing) i basically am contactble there for him too. and he utilises it well. if i am ingame, he talks to me there "panda, get me an ice cream since ur getting one". while these are GREAT communication tools, our home is only this small. between my chair to his chair, its not more than 20 steps (small feet don't count. small steps too.).

what's wrong with talking ingame/online and so on? hey, u have a problem with me, come talk to me. ffs, do we live 10 miles apart? does he live upstairs? downstairs? big house? no.

none of that. i think if u think about it... hour house is probably like, 100m by 100 m or something. its bigger than that, well slightly, but then again, its this one CLEAR path to his room and mine. so its not like we need technology to talk.

he claims he's talking to his friends online. ok i understand that. but you want somethings done? so u argue with me on clan chat? wait a sec. we live in the same house. what are you trying to prove? that ur right and i'm wrong and u want the world to see how fucked in the head i am? or that oo... there's no need to worry about panda... she takes whatever shit i hurl at her anyways.

just coz i tolerate all manners of retarded piece of shit people hurl my way, doesn't mean i have tolerance rate, doesn't mean it will continue, doesn't mean that you are right, and i take it at face value i am wrong.

as with a post a zillion light years ago, i am not anyone's bitch but my own. while i don't assert that on a daily basis, it's only 'cause "hey we live in the same house. if i see his dishes, let's wash it. he works, he eats at work, he eats out. i eat at home, so i use more, so lets wash more often, clean more often."

it doesn't translate to me being a whore, cleaning up everyone's dishes. it just means i know where my damn responsibilities lies. telling me to do something that's also partially ur responsibility, in a place and a tone where it seems ur right and goddamn i am a dirty slut, doesn't mean that hey, ur right.

no, it means ur a stupid fool and ur guna make me hit the roof earlier than i should.

secondly, considering how much i have cleaned up our dishes since we moved in, cleared the trash and so on, it's not likely that i won't clean up.

i have my own cleaning rages, and i don't like stinky kitchens. every now and then, linxy suddenly gets all hyped up about cleaning or eating healthy or something or another, and then yer, kitchen gets clean, we have hot food that he cooks. or something else. but on a more consistent basis, i clean up.

no i don't count such stuff. but u know what... he's done so little, i can count them. that's how much he cleans. he's taken out rubbish like twice now. before that, i can even remember him asking, if there were recycling bins in the bin center. that was like 2 months or so after we moved in.

other times, dishes piles up for 2 weeks. and he just walks past them, washes one or something, and uses it then piles on more.

and they sometimes end up being washed by me, looking a bit like this.

Picture-270

Picture-271

yer. that may not seem alot. considering how little bowls we have though, and how many times i went out to eat at that point in time (was a couple of months back picts), this IS 2 weeks worth. it was that many to take up 2 sides of the sink, rather than 1. and half of it was his, from a luncheon with his gf (birthday sunday i think).

the hazards of living with a guy, is that THEY ALWAYS FUCKING THINK THAT THEY ARE RIGHT. no i am not always right, i am not perfect either. but i admit that i dont wash up straight away, nor all the time. THAT, I DO.

i am not whining about having to clean dishes. i do get tired of it like everyone else, i do want a break from it occassionally, but i do do it. what i do whine about is if u contribute to that shit and u dont admit to it, or if u do, u just admit to a few of it, and then clean up as little as u can.

see, a dishwasher is a dishwasher. its not YOU cleaning up the dishes.

and if we have to utilise the dishwasher, it means that between 2 of us, we have either overused dishes, or its been accumulated over a long period of time. either ways, it means we are fucked.

i am done ranting. sorry for the long post. was just uber pissed that ONE bowl is so much effort. ONE dish is so much to be cleaned that oo, anybody should raise a goddamn ruckus over it or ask someone else to do it.



5/28/2005

Tears
afalling down my face.
Heart
won't stop hurting.

Four walls
Closing in.
Can't breathe.

Can't think.

Fear
races through my mind.
Lonliness
i feel

Four walls
Closing in.
Wanna run.

Wanna hide.

Hold me tight
I need someone to.
Dry my tears
I can't on my own.

Assurance,
What i need.

Tell me,
my world
is not crashing upon me.



in a sense, holidays have started for me since i have no exams. last assignment went in today and i feel awesome.

i am tweaking around with photoshop and making backgrounds so far... jake is tweaking the fine bits of it, usually stuff i dont know how to do. i am not going to be changing this blog look much since i dont really know much about it yet. thing was, i got so frustrated last night trying to tinker with the other blog's html and designs with jake, it got annoying.

and the amount of people who sent in cut and paste types!! i mean, yer i am shit at it, and i really am in no place to comment. to be honest though, what most people did is just shove in a lame pict or too and then add html. its only the html part that i am dumb in. with what they did (erm... e.g stick figures) i can actually churn up something along those lines.

so when i got home today and decided that.. erm, ok let's see if i can throw together some stuff...

i dont remember much from my first photoshop lessons and got really upset. so this was what happened...

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yer, i know it looks like shit. its meant to. i was goddamned pissed. then i started being smarter and turned to various tutorials that the damn program had. and cheated abit... and got this...

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first lesson that i learnt from blogskins... cut and paste!!! and then a little of shifting work and voila!!!

oh wells. it doesnt fit this blog anyways >.>

i decided to be a little more hard working and actually use some of the tools that photoshop has, and downloaded some brushes that jaslyn/diorangel (link at the bottom right corner) had linked on her blog, as in her affliates/resources.... and also use bits of her tutorial to figure out how to crop images... then...

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simple, but it looks decent. i haven't shoved in buttons or codes or anything yet coz jake is the html guy!!! :P

so anyways, that got me rolling and i tried various other shet that got me all excited... and turn up pictures that i really have no idea what to do with...

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so to end it all off, i am fairly into trying to churn out more picts!!! just trying to see what i can come up with. even though i can't draw, i can make these little stuff and entertain myself :D oh wells :P



5/27/2005

heh. notice the huge new button to ur right bottom? that's right. i finally got annoyed enough to start off a tardblog.

for everything i do, i have a reason, and if i can, so the pictures are linked to it as well. for this seperate blog, the case remains the same. checkout the layout.

sadly though, the codings are a little off, so had to make jake do something about it. and since i dont like tagboards (its like this mini chatroom when u already have a comments area.. urmmmm), i took it and replaced it with archives for now. in that sense, its still semi under construction, but that's another place to rant about idiots that appear infront of me on a daily basis. more like a record.

blatantly speaking, most people like to view others who are mentally handicap as the only ones who are capable of doing stupid things, saying stupid stuff and so on. it is but a special effect to a person.

what these "normal" people do though, can be so shockingly dumb, you won't believe it. and that's where my tardblog goes. specially for the obnoxious idiots of the society.

enjoy this birth :D for the lazy people, i shall just link u right here http://turtlepowah.blogspot.com



5/26/2005

this is retarded. i have been going to the apple center to get my new ibook since my last laptop died. and in the end all i have been getting from the retarded atm card i have got is that ooo fuck you, i am not letting u pass this transaction.

for the second time since i have been trying to buy that retarded laptop, my transaction has been declined, both out of the small withdrawal limit of my eftpos card (1k a day). i actually called them up to make it bigger, which they claimed they did but today again i found out that "oo sorry it looks like it wasn't done properly" DUH! you think!?!?!

you know how embarassing it is to go to a shop and then "ooo you have been declined. ur card is retarded" yes i know!!! then u got this goddamn queue behind u. everyone looks at you like some kind of paedophalic offender being put on execeution gallows.

the only good thing was, it was after class but before an apparently large 5 pm lecture, so since everyone was being made late by me, they stare at me furiously and left, thus allowing me time to talk to the apple center guy and ask more about stuff regarding the ibook.

no, i know wtf i am buying. but due to my grand excitement, geez i forgot wth it does only that it does some shit that i can't fucking remember. talking like a dyslexic to the attendant as well as having the memory of a mouse does not help either. poor guy was staring at me wondering wtf i was trying to ask: "uh, do u know if the ibook has uh.... u know that THING!?!?"

ya, sif he would know wth is that thing...

considering how much shit i have been through to get this damn ibook, i am beginning to wonder if its cursed. though u must admit with me that it is gorgeous, uhm but if its so cursed, i don't know if i should get it. (note no photos because i am on a school mac. first time i am actually able to blog from chifley library ever since the woman's protest ages ago. boy do i feel proud of myself.)

what if, just what if, after i bought it, so damn car come and hit me and the laptop broke.. gg 1.5 k down the drain.

or it rains, and everything inside rusts while i walk miserably home in the rain (yes i know it comes in a box, shuddup and let me kao peh.)

better yet, i walk walk walk, then one goddamn kangaroo comes at me, punching the hell out of me then runs away with my ibook?!?!

oh yer, those stupid kangaroos.

nono, i love animals, really. but kangaroos are so stupid, i feel so sad for them. u know, a long long time ago, mouse was driving us home from manuka or something in the middle of the night. u know, those late night CS snacking thing (more like out linxy's balcony cooking) and we were at coles. so on our way back, mouse hit a kangaroo by accident. it was dark, the only lights were the same colour as those kangaroos (they shud make neon lights instead, better to spot yellow kangaroos then yellow lights.).

there were 3 kangas. 2 were smart, one was just pure unfortunate i guess. instead of like the others, jumping backwards or forwards, it hop right into the air.

that's right, INTO THE DAMN AIR!!! wth... go front or back la, why middle?

anyways, we didn't know if it died and we didn't dare check coz kangas, despite however stupid they are, also have the mentality of a guy. "wtf, u killed my mate, i am guna farken kill you!!!" yer, that's how they think.

uhm, yes, my ibook.

so yer, i am worried about the day when i actually get my ibook. someone protect me when i do go get that stupid thing. or at least someone who's credit allowance is about 2k so if i get embarassed, your turn to look stupid.

so now here i sit in the library, waiting for wadge to finish his class coz i made the mistake of calling him to dinner and he has that huge 5pm lecture/exams too. but i dont wana look like a lonely soul with no friends or life, so yer. wait for wadge, i must.

damn yoda.



5/25/2005

just for those who are actually interested... i have updated my songlist again, took out some songs, add in some songs. go play with it if u want. just dont play it for 30 days in a row, i think i shud be fine.

other than that... to fix the blindness that andoo accidentally put me thru (more because my contacts are like 3 years old now, though they expire in 2007, according to the blister pack wrapper..), i went to visit the optometrist to have a check up that will inadvertantly give me the most precious prescription that i would need to get my new glasses or lenses, whichever i choose to go.

for those who are not familiar with whatever i am talking: unlike singapore, you can't just go in and say "ok i just want top buy new contacts supplies" or get free eye check then shop for new specs and go. optometrists here are like doctors here, must have appointment unless they aren't busy. you have to pay them to check ur eyes. and you need precriptions for contact lenses amd glasses. but mainly contacts.

i guess it's good, less eye infection possibilities for me :X i will never forget the pain my poor eyes went thru...

anyways. so i went thru the must-have eye check, which costs me 61 bux without medicare, and then promptly got told my eye sight is 275 on the right and 3.25 on the left, with minor astigmatism. most of this... does NOT TALLY!!!

Picture-336
wahahaha... spec's precription!!! my first too!!! so proud...

according to the freak in that shop where i bought my last set of glasses told me i was on the verge of being blind. somewhere around the 400s. the only reason why both my glasses and my contacts were 325 and 375 were because the jump in the sudden degree would destabilise me, thus he suggest i stick with those degree for another year or so or somehting.

i remember almost tumbling over the black chair when he made me wear those "glasseS" to try out. that was how bad it was. and i felt so drowsy too.

anyways, the only 2 things i can think of at this point is:

1) he was stupid, and got it all wrong. i am not all that blind.

2) my eyesight improved during the last 3 years. (opty here says its not possible.)

ok. so opty said it wasn't possible. but consider this, dad said it's possible, and it HAS been 3 years, even though she said almost 100 degrees difference is not possible, it just might be.

but. contrary to dad's theory though, much as i live around trees ponds and lakes, i haven't had the chance to really stand there at the window for 3 hrs each day to try and improve it. rather, i do spend at least 3 hours staring at computers and so on, between gaming and assignments.

so my guess on it?

that ang mo kio spec man lied to me!!!! he's in this gigantic conspiracy to make me look like the ultimate NERD!!!

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instead of a BABE!!!!

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needless to say though, i was very happy that my dear optometrist found this conspiracy out and told me!!! now i am slowly but surely on my way to babedom!!

but don't hold ur breath, i am too lazy to bother with my looks and such. my only concern with my eye sight was that i wanted to be a fighter pilot, a part of RSAF.

ya! up there flying those fighter jets and stuff and then possibly ramming myself to death by accident coz i am so silly. if you want to know that bad, i actually applied to it, got thru half of the application but got turned down coz my eyesight worsen so i couldn't even be allowed near the damn helicopter.

fuckit.

funny thing was, a long long time ago, my dad ALSO applied to rsaf and his eyesight worsen too around the time he went part way through the application process. infact, at his peak, he's like 500-600 deg on either eyes or something. so sad right? when i told him i tried for rsaf and i failed and so on, and cried so hard, he was like "eh... ur eyesight would fail one la, that's for sure. that happened to me too. it's murphy's law!"

i stared at him thru my tears. man, my old man and i have so much in common!!! he's the wrong sex that's all.

and murphy's law my ass. every time i want something, i need something, it's NEVER THERE!! NEVER AROUND!!! and when i don't need something (e.g cabs) they FLOOD my horizons. good work, murphy!!

anyways, i digress.

as it is, i am still semi blind. the opty doesnt keep stock of her contacts in shop so they are "fresh" when they come to me or something. i ordered contacts this time around coz honestly, 500 bux for specs, i rather go blind. i called up dad and told him a gorilla whacked into my face by accident and broke my glasses.

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this damn thing la! broke my glasses!!! his name is andoo!! find him and kill him!

then, before he could wonder why there was a gorilla in uni, i asked him if he could get mum and himself to the same ang mo kio shop to get me new glasses, since contacts doesn't exactly correct my astig problem.

i don't exactly want to tumble into the arms of another gorilla now would i? and i am serious, i really told my dad i bumped into a gorilla. his first reaction was "HUH!?!?" then yer, i moved straight into the next point. didn't bother to answer his huh?!?!

the only problem i see in this, asking my mum and dad to get me my new glasses, is that they will both probably get somehting they both like. which means it's guna be damn obiang (out of date), and looks like something from the 1930s. HUGE and SQUARE and probably be TINTED BROWN or something like that. infact, it would be gold rimmed too, mum being the money mind and dad liking the fact that yellow skins goes with yellow jewellery and stuff.



not that he even wore that yellow shirt i bought him for father's day ages ago.

if they get me that hideous pair of glasses, i am going to make myself perfectly blind or perfectly recovered from ever having to wear those damn things again. as its easier to go blind, hrm, maybe i shud just go blind!!!

sigh.

i dread collecting that parcel now. good night!!



5/24/2005

i just saw one too many dance shows and its making me itch all over...

despite the fact that u know, i havent quite danced for a while now, and my stock of mtv has been cut due to me staying on campus for the last few years, i try to go clubbing like once a year or something, but there's this huge urge to go "ooof ooofff ooffff aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" in the middle of the dance floor.

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you know how it is, u get on the dance floor and its all just you and the music, and nothing else. it's just, flooowwwww with the music and yay.

the movies in question were basically, coyote ugly, dirty dancing 2, center stage and yer, that's pretty much it. oh i know the genre of dancing is really far apart in terms of what was being dance and so on. but i don't have any particular favourites. all these dancing are beautiful in their own ways.

and there are limits to dancing in your room. you bang into shit, you bang into glass, and the atmosphere is all wrong :( no smelly people to whack while dancing, no one doing all the "oi oi oi!!!" with the songs, makes it all wrong.

yer, the main reason for me to go clubbing is often the dancing, and nothing much else.

the dance school i went the year before is still there. i just uhm, feel shy =X yer i do feel shy sometimes! and i prefer to go with friends than going alone.

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at any rate, i think i shall do it again in the second semester, just not sure what kind of dancing i want to do and if i want to do it in such a big class =X intimidating when u see really good people and then people with great dance figures and ur just a blob at the back.

and i dont know where to go either. it's just that school near us. but i know there are other schools and so on. i should really walk around abit and look out for schools i guess.

but at the end of the day, i dont want all those lessons to go to waste, i want to perform too. and that's where i often get disappointed. in my previous dance classes, i was often set to be like, one of the main 4 dancers or something, which often makes me happy. then along the way, the teacher would relegate me to the corp. there's nothing wrong with being a corp member, but to be treated like that, main, then corp, then main, then corp, makes me pissed off.

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i would rather be a corp then to be shoved aside every single time.

i will see how ok i am next sem, with time tables and all. and also deciding which dance class to take! wish me luck!!



i am not a huge fan of star wars. i usually watch any movie coz of 3 main reasons:

1)there's lotsa hype and i wana get educated about the hype

2) friends brought me along and since they might not wana watch what i wana watch... oh wells..

3)the poster/title/actors blah blah blah interests me. this means anything that's on the surface side, including trailers.

ever since i first saw star wars epi 1, i just treated it like any other movie, it didn't quite catch all my attention that much. like wise, tonight's outing was pretty much coz of factor 2, and also, hehe, i wanted to see what amidala's costume might churn up to be like.

needless to say, i was disappointed on many levels. the costumes and hair weren't all that great. she looks like spaghetti reincarnate, complete with flowy dresses. i dont mind the dresses part though, after all, she was meant to be pregnant.

don't want to spoil things for u guys but then again, some stuff you should have known from the movie's site anyways, so just go watch the movie to get what i am talking about.

other than that, a particular scene towards the end amused me to no end. already, she looks fairly fakely pregnant. but that scene where she was lying on some bed or stretcher or something... the only showing part of her belly was "crumpled"

CRUMPLED!!!!

wat is with that!?!?!?

the only great thing about the movie, as always, will always be cutie yoda...

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oh my little green bald friend. the one who needs walking stick to walk properly, but bounces around with more enthusiasm than any of the padawans... with a fart, he can push aside 2 people. how great is that!!!

my idol.. *drools*

at any rate, i almost strangled myself with my jacket, while also almost falling asleep. it was a bit draggy, but that wasn't the reason why i was passing out, more coz i was already tired anyways.

i was studying a little in the day and went on to have lunch at all bar nun. its half a pub half an eatery. what amused me the most was while i was trying to make peace with my text, a lady nearby was talking loudly and flirting with all the men in her vicinity, even the bartenders.

she's this 50 years old looking thing.

anyways, the 2 old men she was trying to attract, she was trying to get them into some kind of business plan with her. she started talking about searching for a camera to buy on ebay, and then went on to say how much she paid for it and then "ding" she had a brilliant idea! why not start business on ebay!?!?

so anyways, she started giving them the intricacies of business on ebay, how to buy and sell online. now for those who know ebay well, there are times u can actually find an item for like 2 bux and sell for hundreds, i kid u not. the thing is, its not just on ebay but if u see stuff around u that's unique and so on, u can sell it at a good rate on ebay too.

but all these needs business sense. and lots of it.

anyways.

so she kept on talking loudly about how good she is, and then commenting in the same breath how cute the bartender is.

to be honest, there is only so much emotions i can contain.

but the old man nearer to me fell asleep from the conversation! how brave!!

and that's when i decide that it's time for me to leave and spare myself the horror. strange people scare me, especially persistant ones like these.

oh yes, back to starwars.

suffice to say, it bored me a little too, especially hayden christensen or whateverhisnameis, because his face is just like that through out the movie -0-. it made me feel -0- too.

am i glad to be home T_T



5/21/2005

one of the first languages i picked up, and first words, wasn't mama or papa. it was "OI! KUA SI MI LAN?"

oo. i am serious. for those who don't know, that's the fujian (hokkien) dialect. which some people like to refer to as taiwanese. to me, it's my home language. to be honest, my parents and i speak more in mandarin than in either hokkien or english, but i can swear fairly fluently in hokkien... yer... thats how my family is like. we are damn open with each other.

back to what i was saying, kua si mi lan, also equates, "wtf you looking at." literrally. of course subsequently came the "lan jiao" aka penis, and "cheebye" aka vagina... erm well, not in such nice overtones... hehehe. no i didnt have some sub human upbringing. my parents were uncouth people who were brought up in the village, in uncouth neighbourhoods who worked hard for their money in the most uncouth of places. rough tough people in a rough tough world.

then of course, my dad was also a police in a time where "policemen wear shorts".

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so in his opinion, to fight evil, well.. you fight with evil! so if the criminals yells out "mata lai liao ah!!! gin ah!!! wa neng ki jit dao hit dao" (or, "police are coming!!! hurry!!! let us go here and there... blah blah blah") my father wud be yelling "na beh, li ai ki tou lou!! kan ni na!!" (ur.. mum? where u wana go!?!?!fuck ur mum!!) something along those lines....

both of them do try and keep it clean when i was young, but u know, it's never easy when it's a part of u to swear the fuck off your heads. of course the good part is, i learnt at a very young age what NOT to say to your elders and friends, least you scare them off.

i don't remember now if it was my parents who actually told me to stfu on such words or isit just a natural thing that i copied from my parents, aka, fake it infront of ur relatives n friends. so naturally, at the beginning of my life, i was a sweet, quiet, wholesome little angel.

or not.

essentially at home though, to prevent me from using much of those well learnt words, i was either to speak english with dad since at that time his english was considered well spoken... or with my maids anyways, or speak mandarin through out. i opt for the later. not so confusing.

of course when we are gossiping about mum, english is the way to go. if u didn't notice by now from that last paragraph, mum knows 0 english. nothing, zilch, nada.

so between me and dad, we have LOTSA stories. including secrets like my friend having abortions and so on. while i can trust my dad not to holler to the neighbourhood at large, mum is another story.

but they both used to think my hokkien became non-existent, for some odd reason.

so one day, they were gossiping about ME!!!! by then u know, i had stop conversing with either in hokkien, and feign ignorance about most stuff they talk about. mostly because it involves me running errands.

watching tv happily, dad was telling mum in hokkien (for the sanity of everyone and so i don't type twice, i am guna type everything in english.) "eh, our daughter... she said she wanted to be nun you know..."

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"wtf. she can never be a nun la, look at her, bad habits everywhere... undies here, socks there, cuss worse than a pirate, and me... she will grow out of that notion la."

if you're wondering about that topic, yer i did consider being a nun once upon a time. coz guys are just too troublesome. so whiny. so attention seeking. nia eh. nvm. on with the convo... which by then have picked up my interest a fair bit...

"that's what i told her too. can u imagine her meditating? i think the Gods will start laughing and then it be the end of mankind"

by then i was barely controlling my temper. and they were sitting RIGHT BEHIND ME!!! the audacity of parents!!

mum started laughing at this point.. "imagine if she joins the church or temple (i haven't made clear at this point where i was going, and parents were buddhists), she guna convert them to download music for her and then have disco right in the temple!!"

"you think? they will be all wearing colourful stuff. oh man, i can't bear to think of it... and considering how much she likes tv, all the beds will be affixed a tv stand or something coz of her"

me "WEI!!! U THINK I CAN'T HEAR ISIT? I AM SITTING JUST HERE HOR!!! WTH MAN!!!!!"

both looked at each other like this O.O.

"you can understand ah?"

me "erm.. i DID grow up with u guys u know"

subsequently they gossip only when i am asleep. not that it's very successful.

if you're wondering... my friends too did mention the same things about me converting the nuns rather than they converting me. besides, i abandoned that idea since i decided that living on the outside might be better. mind you, i have all the respects for people who decided to leave the normal paths of life and dedicate their lives to their gods. but, alas, for me, i happen to love God and life in the normal way.

sad eh?

what lead me to posting this crap now?

reading this site. totally written in hokkien, albeit some of the spellings is obviously up to the writer, he isn't that far off the mark anyways. as long as lim peh can read, can liao. hehe... i laughed so hard reading his blog, whoever wrote it is a damn genius. it ensures the readership to within a certain boundary, if not, u know, people can ask their friends to translate.

while talkingcock.com uses them in the pure form of singlish, hokkienlang is entirely.. hokkien. so classy!!! omg XD reminds me of dad and all his "wa lan eh..." when he was younger.

now if anyone says this, first question he ask wud be "where is your penis (lan)?"

second would be "what's wrong with your penis? got disease ah?"

damn, gotta love my "dysfunctional" family, as my ex teachers would call it.




ehehhe, see that cute thing to the right? its my blog pet!! well kinda.

technically speaking if i am using other forms of blog setup (e.g moveable type) i could have the pet doing more things, such as randomly posting a blog (all in jap!! atm as far as i could see there's no english version to it Image Hosted by ImageShack.us but oh wells!!! but it's so cute!! oh, well, there was a english version, but though it shows up on google i cant seem to access the site. i think it's down or something so meh...

thanks to mari-chan,i managed to half fumble my way through (partly coz i guess the setup changed as well since she was last there.). with some bad help from babel fish, chinese readings, i got it semi setup. but this being blogger, all i can do is set it up here and probably rss feed it abit. but, just so u guys know, other than on my Awasu rss reader, i actually haven't got my rss feed working anywhere else. thus, the rest of what u could actually read off this baby panda, is really jap.

but yer here it is! complete with a temporary background of my lake burley. well, i don't know what else to use as background. i could make my own, but i honestly suck at making graphics. if someone could actually come up with something more hospitable for my dear baby panda, i would damn love it. thanks Image Hosted by ImageShack.us!

on another note, i almost cried laughing at this blog. just go read it. i guess i don't have to tell you why after you have read it. but i am not going to spoil it for you other than uhm...

laugh with me omg!1 Image Hosted by ImageShack.us i am crying so hard from laughing haha.. although i admit, that poor blog hasn't been updated in quite a while. but still worthy of note since it IS from harvard law school, and they sound as ridiculous as everyone else in the blogosphere Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Funny people rocks!!

people who study till their brains fall over pwns too!!

ok i am going stupid Image Hosted by ImageShack.us i should stop procrastinating... otherwise, the more i blog, the more that i DON'T blog during the holidays when i am gaming the fuck out of my brains is going to piss everyone off

but then again, reading blogs can be educational too Image Hosted by ImageShack.us



well. seeing how lag worthy today was, i gave up and tried to tumble around in the house, in an effort to work off my frustrations. i was trying to study too, but my hyperactive mind refuses to work cohesively with me seeing that i have nothing much to distract it, other than music and more old animes that i have already watched before.

i even did a bloody handstand while trying to read AND listen to music at the same time. it didn't quite work. Image Hosted by ImageShack.us so firstly i started trying to play cs amidst the lag.

this was the result...



yer like... hi, 259 ping, wtf were u thinking? or rather... 259 mins to go hrmmm not a fair bit of time i want to spend on that. so i ran off in the general direction of the living room, fairly upset as u can understand, coz i couldn't really distract myself much enough to study properly. (for the poor few people who doesn't know me, i have to be very distracted to be able to study well.) so i started tumbling in the general space of the bed in the living room (the sofa wannabe).

tumbleweed

yer that's the general mess for the person who asked for it. like i mention in my audblog earlier, YAY! he cleaned up abit. i don't know why he hasn't pack away his clothes though. but then again, considering how much of a hazard his room is (hazard as in a general one, not just a fire hazard) i guess he would want some spare clothes that isn't guna get burnt! he cleaned the bins though!!! what a sweetoe... but other than that, yes i am the pink stick figure who was doing that handstand wannabe there when linxy left for sym's bday.

then i realised, er, yer i was suppose to meet rosie and andoo for dinner. or try and study and dinner. lag sux shit. so i rollerbladed over in these killer blades. literally.

blades-of-death

for some odd reason, either my feet got fatter or the shoes shrunk, but yer, they were pretty tight. and havent been blading for so long, i kinda didn't have much balance. as u can guess, i made lotsa disastrous falls all the way to uni, finally deciding (wisely) since i don't exactly know a non-road path to bruce, i may as well just walk there from the traffics. my bones ache so bad Image Hosted by ImageShack.us . the fluffy thing to the right, btw, is my ugg boots. they are warm, but they are fairly dirty Image Hosted by ImageShack.us a result of it being white and me trying to act cute. and inadvertantly walked over a pile of possum poo. eugh.

at any rate, i reached andoo's and rose's place and resulted in me watching them try out aoe parties in this area at the ancient battlegrounds. what's funny was reading the chinese farmers' communicating with each other. they are just so used to thinking that anyone who speaks chinese must be one of them that they just shout or use trade chat to tell everyone of "them" that so and so is red and they are trying to clear red at this place and so on and so forth.

if i had a chance, and if this was on kain and not on hindemith, i would have asked a few good friends and farmed the fuck outta them. i won't ever forget what great loot the SM farmer group drops. Image Hosted by ImageShack.us sadly, being a healer, i can't really farm them by myself. oh wells. who cares. just a game.

now comes the interesting part of the night. after macca's, and a few bit, rosie wanted to do some studying and let me played abit on her, which i don't mind it's a new character anyways. and i stsrted accusing andoo of being gh3y. so he turned over and tried to knee me in the face, but ended up smashing my 150bux stupid old rotting, moulding glasses. WHICH WAS FINE WITH ME.. hehe, it's old and twisted anyways. who the hell needs glasses!! i shall be blind!! but for the next few minutes i proceeded to tell everyone i could that he tried to kill me/ deface me/ blind me.... and he felt so bad. awww Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

don't worry, i feel bad too that i am semi blind now.

now i'm home, blind and broken bones and all... i shall attempt to finish patching my cs so i can annoy my ex clannies online!! muahahha... the return of the annoying elmo song!!!

not to mention the meows...

the moos...

oooerr i am getting excited.Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

sidenote: oops yer, that's my fhm. WHOLLY BOUGHT AND OWNED BY ME!! just wanted to see the top 100 hottest girls. such a disappointment. wth, bec cartwright. Image Hosted by ImageShack.us



5/20/2005

since my net speed went up a little and i shud stop being a whiny bitch, i decided to try out this audio thing...

hint: its for the times when i am too lazy to even to tyep w00t...



basically click that button or right click it and save target as, and yer, u download my whiny voice. it's just 1 minute long, enjoy the terror



I hate my isp. And i hate uni pc's. As far as i'm concern, i can't use blogger dashboards there. N my isp love 2 lag it up. I cant open a single page without errors. Wtf. So now i haf 2 resort 2 paragraph-less blogging, frm a non camera ph,2 let u knw i got my time/date wrong n i went 4 wrong class, AGAIN! Sigh. I shall study then...



5/19/2005

yj... u know, whenever i watch blue crush (i dl-ed it, and still repeatedly watch it sometimes..) i tend to think of the day you, zita and me went to watch it? just a few days before departure, and also, yay, free from work lol..

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a few days ago, i walked past sanity, this dvd/cd shop here, and i saw the dvd on sale. i couldn't remember anymore when i first watched it with you guys, but i would never forget what zita said after the screening..

"wah lau, now i feel sea sick... eh let's go learn surfing!!"

lmao!! all that water!!!!

but i also remember talking with yj in those days. she was a little upset with me leaving. well not upset. she had just kinda lost the "feel" with a friend who kinda just drifted apart, mostly coz of her changing due to different environment, different friends and so on.

i know i have changed, for better, for worse, i don't know, and i don't want to judge myself on that. i have learnt to be easier with life, it's not always about the results but everything else around you too.

i have learnt that people die sometimes, though letting go is hard, it's better to let go than hold on to ur grief and wallow in it.

i have learnt i want many things, that i may not have, that may not be as important as the people around me, my friends most of all.

i have also learnt to "fuck cares" and just be myself. u know, i used to be petrified, i am scared of people because i don't know how they will react to me. if i am as vulgar to them as i really am, would they mind? wud they disown me as friends?

if they really know that i laugh so much for the stupidest reasons, and even if those stuff aren't meant to be funny, would they still want to be associated with me?

i had my own insecurities then. and though i know deep down if my friends don't stick it with me coz of me, then they aren't really worth it, i didn't want to lose them anyways because everyone of them of them were precious to me. i didn't feel wanted at home, nor loved, nor all perfect. and friends are the closest thing to a family that i ever could have while growing up.

yj was also the one to intro me to online diaries and such. i can't remember what lead to it, but eventually, one fine day, i started a diary in mydeardiary, coz she told me about it.

reading yj's blog all the way back in 2003 was nostalgic o.o hehe. it lead me to try and look at my own blog back then, on mdd. and i realised that man, i blogged since 2001. but back then, between 2001 and the time i stopped in 2003, and moved to blogger, i did a total of 20 posts.

mostly fairly emotional ones too :o as i said, i used to only post when i was feeling very emotional about something. i don't post what i do daily, what i think, what i laugh about. mostly because, i feel this as an emotional outlet. also, deep down, i also know that the net is a very public place to air ur views. i don't know if it would be ok, to be myself on the net. to be whatever i want to be, and give the finger to those who don't like it.

occasionally, and pretty much from out of nowhere, someone would randomly post a comment saying that this and that is awesome, and i felt shyly elated, if u know what i mean. and felt more encouraged to write.

but i was still uncomfortable with posting online anyways. most of the time back then, i was also posting from the home of my ex bf who had better net than me at that stage and of course, we were glued at the hip coz he wanted to meet me as much as possible. so i felt weird having someone trying to read from behind me. he wud just stand there and read or pretend to walk past.

so yer. no privacy hehe.

to end this thing though, i just thought to let u guys know, i still love u all. i do change, doesn't mean i dont remember u or the times we had, the tears we she between us and everything else.

most of all, u guys made a huge impact on my life, having a hand in making who i am today. thanks :D

YOU BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, i thought i had post something up that was from my original blog, a poem written way back in march 2002, while waiting for my a lvl results.

Changes in The Wind

i heard them..
it was not the usual talk.
it was not about Others.

it was about me.
about us.

i feel the wind of sorrow,
i felt it caressing my face
with its icy fingers,
weaving rain upon my face.

i see the seas churning
it blurred my vision of happines,
the night grew older,
as i grew colder.

do i have to lie in blood for
you to see?

do i have to cry,
for you to know?

do i have to look you in the eye,
for you to feel what i feel?

the grieving winds heard my cry
they came upon me,
billows upon billows,
encircling me in comfort,
struggling to ensure i dont fall.

the rain felt my pain...
they howl in grief
as i would in my heart.

no one heard my cries that night
no one did,
no one ever would..
as i lost you forever into the world.



@ all bar nun today, i tried to order my chicken salad coz i thought that it was guna be 3 soon, which meant sushi bar would have been closed. after ordering salad, handed over a 50 dollar note only to have the waiter calculated stuff at the till and then returning money to me, asking me for 16.50, but u know.. giving my money to me!! then with a weird look at her hands she's like "omg i'm sorry!!"

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me: er it's ok, no worries.

she: u know how it is, i got distracted by kylie minogue's breast cancer story all over the news. seeing boobs all over the news like that, i just kept thinking about it and i didn't know what i was doing. u know boobs does that to you and seeing them all across national newspapers...

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worried for my sanity, when i got back my change, i just silently siddled away from the bar top and just... left her rambling incoherently. *shudders* i mean, i don't have perfect boobs. she just might get even more distracted and start telling people my boobs.

then i went out for dinner with the guys at hog's breath. mmm steak. would have been very good but ooo i think i ate too much entree stuff. finger food and soup o.o. i felt almost unbalanced at the end of it.

but i can only blame linxy and wade!! on the ride there, i was unlucky enough to be shoved between those gigantic masses who decided that being short and in between them, they SHOULD smashed me up. so both squashed me between them, making me want to puke, before dinner.

so after dinner... yer i really wanted to puke.

and i think i scalded my palate on drinking that fake potato and leek soup (it's really curry potatos and leek soup) coz midway thru the soup, i felt this smooth bubbly thing on it and tried to lick it off but it wont come off. tried to dig it out, thinking its vegies or something, and it wont come off. then i realised, it was a bubble on my palate!! it was like those smooth bubbles that forms after u scald urself, but on my palate =/ so it hurts T_T

got tired after dinner and came home and tried to sleep. slept happily when at 1.30 am, dad persistantly called me and suffice to say, i woke up, and that bubble on my palate just kaboom in my mouth. eww.

i thought something might have happened and finally called him back (coz despite linxy telling him i was sleeping he was still spamming my mobile..). only to hear this...

"arllooooo mad womannnn how's ur pigging out beenn?? arlloooo"

wa... du lan!!!! lin na eh, wo xu yao shui de hor!!! heng hao xiao meh? qi zao ba zao da dian hua lai ri siao... wtf man!!!! (translations for those who erm, yer, cudn't understand my moment of "pissed off"-ness: wa... pissed off!!!! ur mum, i need to sleep ok!!! how does it look funny to u?!?! calling me in the wee hours of the morning to make fun of me!!!)

"what you want dad?"

"no ah, now that i realised ur really sleeping, ok la! byes!!"

"wtf, u woke me up just to say bye?"

"no ah, i thought u know, u were faking it who knows!!! anyways, just thought u should know they renew my work contract so i can buy you more stuff now. but since u wana sleep, it's ok man!! go sleep!! no money for u lalalala"

DU LAN!!!!!!! DUI DUI DUI DUI DUI!!!

"wah lao eh, u woke me up and now want me to go sleep?"

"ya... sleep precious what... u shud go sleep... even though u know, i am an intl caller, i am a special guest, so u shud really be awake no matter what..."

"erm... dad i have classes u know... not like i am so eng (free) like you, call people at 1.30am in the morning..."

"ya! but i thought u need to buy new laptop? thought call u tell u to buy new one la..."

*sigh* at this point, i don't know how to be frustrated or to be happy. but being just freshly woken up, i was definitely on the grouchy side.

"ya but... i was sleeping -.-"

"ya! eh what's ur name ah? i keep forgetting, then had to grab ur old id to ask ur housemate for u! then he doesn't seem to know ur chinese name either! then i don't know if he knows what's a panda... so!!!!?!?!!? ya so what's ur name!?!?"

"OMG DAD!!!!!"

"hehe"

..........

he actually thought that was funny.

-.-"

if i am more awake maybe i would have thought it's funny too...



5/18/2005

discovered this on haro singapore.

these poor girls were being scolded by an auntie for even daring to ask for donations from her, because, according to her "You don't ask people for money!! People have no money where got money to give for donation! You think everyone got money?"

nomoney5

being forced to stand out there in the sun, have to sacriface weekend to do stupid flag days, have to look at idiots who make fun of us, or people who pretend we don't exist, then now this kind of abuse.

what the hell is flag day coming to?

back in my secondary school days, then later on while in jurong institute, from what i understood from my teachers, doing flag days went from voluntary work to being compulsory in school. one of those things that we were supposed to do just to earn "community work points" just so we can leave school with a "good record". nothing wrong with that, just that it's not fair, not everyone wants to do community work, and not everyone will learn the "giving spirit" just by fulfilling those points.

i mean, the only reason why some of the people had these points were coz they went for flag days. they chose this option rather than like, go old folks home la, go do overseas charity work and etc, bcause they just weren't interested. Flag days were just the easiest way out, stand under the sun abit, try and get people to put in some coins, give stickers away, and voila, points.

of course, there were always the odd few who put in enough to make some noise, and then sit at mac donald's or go watch early movie or something, then bring back the cans/bags at the right time.

there were those, like these three girls, who ernestly works at it, even though it's tiring, hot, people stare at you, run away from you, very sad kind of moments for us. but we do it you know, coz we actually bothered enough. and when you have friends with u (usually work in pairs la..) you feel a bit more encouraged, coz it's not like the easiest thing to do, asking strangers for money for people u don't even know and aren't likely to meet.

those girls who got yelled at, i feel so sorry for them. i mean, wtf auntie, u think we wana ask strangers for money meh? donating online to the various communities jiu hao le, who the hell wana walk around and shove bags into faces asking for donations?

not only that, if u got no money, how's that our business? just like you said, not everyone has the money, thus the need to help those who can't help themselves, like you, dear lady, who could actually work for it. even my dad also at least put in $2. it's not alot, it's not like it means anything (hell even my sis could put in money), but even if it's not for the community chest or what not, it's for the fact that someone plucked up the courage to walk around in the sun to ask strangers for money.

the poor girls who just stood there and got yelled at i guess didn't wana do anything about it either. on the one hand, walking off would have seemed rude and such, and they were in their school uniforms (SCGS - one of the top schools, so can't be helped =/). on the other hand, if they had replied, she wud have just ranted that "u don't have children to feed, how would u know?"

i think while we don't have children to feed, it's only fair to view us in another light. most students work part time nowadays to support their habits, without relying too much on parents. while parents had willingly give, alot of teenagers now want to go movies, buy stuff for friends, support multiple handphone bills. it's not the same, but we have also grown to understand the word "bills" as much as auntie ah-soh does.

what wud i have done back then while i was in their shoes?

sigh, i would have stood there too. don't wana embarasss my school also la...

article written can be found here.



5/17/2005

found this on big boys




reminded me of the time when momo was suppose to take care of my soft toys over the summer... and he started creating clips of them humping each other and posted it on postal -.- gh3y!!!



er ok... someone asked to see the log of that very night when he sent the pict of his greying matter since i deleted that disgusting thing... prior to this we were talking ingame, during a siege that we lost (when ds lost giran to WAR), when he said after the siege he has a surprise for me.

31/10/2004 6:14:05 PM SiL3nT xD
31/10/2004 6:14:12 PM ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~ =)
31/10/2004 6:14:35 PM SiL3nT time for you suprise :P
31/10/2004 6:14:38 PM SiL3nT (L)
31/10/2004 6:14:53 PM SiL3nT sends Picture 010.jpg
31/10/2004 6:15:01 PM You have successfully received C:\Documents and Settings\Cheryl\My Documents\My Received Files\
Picture 010.jpg from SiL3nT.
31/10/2004 6:15:18 PM ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~ =/
31/10/2004 6:15:27 PM ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~ i am not into looking at other people's cock 31/10/2004 6:15:35 PM SiL3nT T_T
31/10/2004 6:15:50 PM ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~ anyways brb dvc time

nothing much to see really but o.o oh wells...

guess now we know why he wasn't so into that siege huh...



5/16/2005

just so u guys know, just coz my blog is set such that you only see a few posts on the first page, does not mean that ur comments go un-noticed, or that that particular post is forgotten.

each and everyone of my post were made coz something happened and thus i post. it is not likely that i would forget them. and comments by the way, have been set such that i am alerted via email when i receive them. i am quite dedicated to my friends, i'm afraid.

commenting on a post that is no longer on first page does not mean that u can hide ur existence or the fact that u have actually read something and called me names or try and start some shit... all on my blog.

hey matt, butthurt about the truth? Just coz i don't tell you to shut it, doesn't mean i was "enjoying" it. just coz you get an erection, doesn't mean i do. the fact remains, u didn't even realise people don't like it, and it wasn't just me alone. letting u cyber to urself with no replies, u don't seem to get it. it took lobo and shmo to get u to not only get the idea but to finally stfu.

[14:55] §î£³ñ† - dinner: im sorry honey :(
[14:55] *** Auto-response sent to §î£³ñ† - dinner: I am currently away from the computer.[14:55] ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~: huh?
[14:55] §î£³ñ† - dinner: im sorry hun :'(
[14:56] ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~: o.o" wassup
[14:56] §î£³ñ† - dinner: your friend came and talked to me
[14:57] ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~: o.o oo
[14:57] ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~: ok
[14:57] §î£³ñ† - dinner: i understand if your mad at me and dont want to talk to me ever again, but im sorry sweetie :(
[14:57] ~(*)aNg3 dReAmS(*)~: heh
[14:57] §î£³ñ† - dinner: im a bad guy
[14:58] §î£³ñ† - dinner: and im sorry if i make you feel uncomfortable
[14:59] §î£³ñ† - dinner: i love you hun and im sorry
[14:59] §î£³ñ† - dinner: i really am :(

moments later... when people started pm-ing him to get a life and stop harassing me...

[15:03] §î£³ñ† - dinner: fine now im getting made fun of
[15:03] *** Auto-response sent to §î£³ñ† - dinner: I am currently away from the computer.[15:03] §î£³ñ† - dinner: this is great

as per norm... ignoring him doesn't seem to get it through to his head....

[15:07] *** Auto-response sent to §î£³ñ† - dinner: I am currently away from the computer.[15:14] §î£³ñ† - dinner: im sorry
Session Close (§î£³ñ† - dinner): Wed Jan 19 15:18:37 2005

Session Start (pigshitz@hotmail.com:§î£³ñ† - dinner): Wed Jan 19 15:20:18 2005
[15:20] §î£³ñ† - dinner: night honey im going to bed :(
[15:20] *** Auto-response sent to §î£³ñ† - dinner: I am currently away from the computer.[15:20] §î£³ñ† - dinner: sweet dreams and im sorry
Session Close (§î£³ñ† - dinner): Wed Jan 19 15:48:07 2005

Session Start (pigshitz@hotmail.com:§î£³ñ†): Thu Jan 20 00:59:11 2005
[00:59] §î£³ñ†: good morning honey
Session Close (§î£³ñ†): Thu Jan 20 03:23:17 2005

Session Start (pigshitz@hotmail.com:§î£³ñ†): Thu Jan 20 03:26:58 2005
[03:26] §î£³ñ†: you are my shining (*) star honey, i love you :)
Session Close (§î£³ñ†): Thu Jan 20 03:52:40 2005

just coz u can't get laid u real life doesn't mean u haunt girls in a pixelised environment. life don't work that way.

subsequently, he sent me an email, stating he was sorry, but i should have told him to stop or something along that line and that whatever was said was said in jest. i have since deleted that email dated jan 20th.

of coz, when he left the alliance coz he left his clan and etc etc, he first blocked me then took me off friendlist like it mattered to me. losers normally try and just restart their lives in game. this one, is not only a sore loser, he was also a retarded loser who thinks his actions matters to the very people who are disgusted by him.

and VT your wife stacey hasent only done it with me good luck in life.

well, who are u to say what she has or has not done? u seen her at work? u know her personally? wait a minute. aren't u the guy who claims to "love" someone and want to get laid with someone, OVER THE NET? people whom u haven't even seen nor talk much to? so how much does ur words weigh? nothing?

real life isn't kain, nor holds the type of drama like kain. u can hide behind ur monitor, u can't hide the fact that u have a greying penis or that u don't have the balls to admit that u tried to lay half the female population on kain that u know of.

or that when no clans want you, u go lick the balls of the very people u tried to pk and declare as faggots/zerg/no balls (oh the irony... got to love alliance chat.).

Quote "I have always respected you guys as enemies, and now i want to fight alongside you guys as allies" *puke* my ass, go lick more fa ass. it's a game ffs. ur making it sound like... the corporate world *shudders* which incidentally, if u have been found sexually harassing ur colleagues, ur likely to get the boot anyways, and rejected by others companies, because ur a shame and a pain in the ass.

incidentally, he left alliance and clan and attempted to join the "enemies" coz, obvious to everyone la, he tried to get the girls in alliance to cyber him...

profile of Sil3nt: big e-ego, small penis.
length of e-penis: 8=================================================D
actual length of penis:8D

according to him, he's so great he would die for his clan, he would pk for his clan. when he does pk though, he goes "omg my e-balls is so big" to himself while he announces to everyone what he did.

according to him, his clan didn't appreciate what he ever did for his clan and that people made his life miserable.

according to him, females who play pc games should be subjugated to his virtual fantasies, coz he's too poor to pay for more bandwidth to dl actual porn. and if they don't, they are "stupid bitch(es)".

grow some balls matt. get a real relationship, and actually feel something for her that's not from the pants. when stuff are being talked about that u know u did, face it like the man that u said u r, instead of running away coz ur embarassed.

i mean, man, everyone knows that u cyber girls ingame, not just coz i told them abt u. if u can do it, why be shy abt it? coz u can't get it up irl?

and why post a comment after it leaves the first page?

the truth, always hurts. u can hide all u want, but the truth is within u, not in the air around u.

finally realised why his name turned up as chinese on my screen... set mine to chinese traditional viewing. to see the way he tried to prettify his nick on msn, change ur western code or whatever code to unicode.. comes up some swishy thing...



ahaha i saw this on postal.... then went to search for a proper link... this is too funny...


Would-be rapist loses testicle
From correspondents in LimaMay 14, 2005
From: Reuters

A PERUVIAN woman sank her teeth into the testicles of a man who broke into her property to steal cattle and tried to rape her, leaving doctors no option but to lop one off, police and officials said today."It looked like a dog bite. The man arrived with his right testicle dead and hanging by a thread ... there was nothing to do but cut it off," said Hugo Jaime, a surgeon in the regional hospital in Huanuco, in the Andes, northeast of Lima.

The incident happened in a remote village when Hermogenes Meza and 10 men tried to steal Elizabeth Coz's cattle.

Ms Coz was not arrested because she acted out of self-defence, police said. The men ran away when Ms Coz and relatives started stoning them.

i remember, a long long long time ago, some woman in new york i think, was almost raped. she reached down and did the only thing she could, being on the floor, and "broke it".

i know i know, it cant be broken technically speaking. but it was "broken" as in the capillaries and such or something... the blood stuff. by the time the police came, that guy's cock was spluttering blood.

ok i know it's painful, and it didn't quite happen in the most exciting or comedic of times. rapists shud be screwed with an exhaust pipe, or made to hump them. but that isn't my point here.

it's "ouch" >.> (and after that, lotsa laughing ahahahaaha)



5/15/2005

sigh.

a while ago, i mention the pros and cons of living on campus vs off campus. today though, looking at the dishes left in the sink, and at the bin, i wish i was living on my own or back on campus or something anyways.

having house mates is in itself a sort of.. uncomfortable obligation to do certain things, like keeping ur volume down late at night keeping the area clean etc. but when ur house mate is also your friend u tend to keep quiet about some things more too, because u just don't see why u should make any noise about it.

but since the beginning of moving in till now, all linxy has ever did was carry out rubbish once. although he said he had carry it out a 2nd package, 4 days between saying he would do it till i eventually took it out coz it stank up the kitchen. the only way he avoided it was by closing the doors. but keeping it away from sight does not make it gone forever.

using the dishwasher does not mean that u have done the dishes. it merely means that there was a great load that u obviously helped piled on but didn't bother to help unpile till things started looking hefty. sure i don't have to wash for him. but dirty dishes takes up space. dirty dishes means less dishes that can be used and when they pile up eventually u still have to wash them so u can use them.

clothes rack are meant for drying clothes. not to hang clothes on them forever and ever and be forgotten till u need those clothes again. WARDROBES though are meant for that.

picking on when i will be washing the dishes or cleaning up stuff, clearing up rubbish when you have done nothing much yourself other than come home from work, l2, go sleep, l2, go work, l2, go sleep, l2, isn't fair to me.

what should i do? talk to him? i don't know. i tried talking once didn't quite work when he's like "panda, i did this and this and this ok..." and well. yer. u did only these. =/

so while i was whining at the unwashed dishes, i was also groaning over what i should do with my cranky camera. perhaps, i thought, it's time to change it. i mean, it's gone insipid on me, grainy pictures, retarded colour, isn't that a hint to change it? but no... i went out to the shops and had a look at the prices and it's dumb. most shops have very bare minimum of cameras on display. and most on display are just olympus, canon and sony. 3 brands, barely minimums of the more "choicer" kinds of cameras and that's it.

choicier in their pov coz they cost more.

i don't even know what camera i want anymore anyways. at the same time i am tempted to get canon, i have seen so much of it at work from my friends. on the other hand i want to get another sony, coz my dad bought this last memory stick and i kinda don't wana sell it away to get myself a sd card.

not that sony's cameras sux. they just no longer are worth the price tag.

i am also not a very big techie. just a simple camera with optical zoom so i can zoom in on that cute neighbour across.

anyone has any suggestions? or list down what camera you use? :D



This morning at about 1.45 a.m, a fight started outside a club in Canberra City, known as Three Degrees.

Three Degrees was holding a theme night, with Banghra music as the theme music.

With approximately 100- 200 people at the maximum possible capacity, it looks like it was going to be a wild party. And it was.

A solid built white man, who was noticed to be outside the club since a while ago, was suddenly noticed to be arguing loudly with 2 of the club's patrons. Arguments soon lead to a scuffle, resulting in the aforesaid man being noticed to be kicking and pushing one of the 2 patrons, a young man of North Indian descent.

Soon, the scuffle turned into a full on brawl, with the club patrons all looking on from the inside, save a few who were still dancing to the music. by then, the gruffily built man was seen throwing a cafe style table at the young man and his friend, who were both struck on their faces as they were standing side by side. An eyewitness even handed a chair to the gruffy man, as if to aid him in throwing more chairs, but was ignored.

Further assault was performed on the young man, resulting with him bleeding profusely as he slid of the boot of a blue coloured car that was parked outside the club.

At this, an excited club throng ran towards the 3 people, resulting in a flurry running aways by various people.

It is not known if the man who assaulted the young Indian man returned with the rest of the club crowd.

The bleeding man was taken into the handicaps toilet to recuperate and later taken to the hospital.

His friend was taken by the police for questioning.

Investigations are still on-going.

Anyone with more info, do contact the police.

~Pandeurs (what u think? an actual news report? duh....)

I know club fights happen regularly in various parts of the world, it isn't something new. it's new to me that police were actually called in, that the entire club had to stop and everyone were filed out for questionning, otherwise, as threatened, we had be arrested for obstructing law's progress.

Check out the blood man... this guy seems to have his full 2 liters and a half all right.

blood

it's under the table because people were ruining forensic evidence with their beer filled soles. glass were all over the floor too from the raving friend.

so the story goes. sheetle asked me out to go for this bhangra night thing 3 degrees was holding. i'm not sure why i agreed to go along, mind you, since you know i have got l2, homework, essays due still and so on. but i haven't seen her in abit, and i thought, hey, why not, and i get to dance too.

but by the time i met her, i was honestly tired from all the walking i did yesterday (aka, from the picture taking i did). but i thought it should be good to go along anyways.

to be honest, i felt out of place. the music feels all out of rhythm for me, or i just cant feel the beat, or both. like i said, i was tired. so it's like really bad that i couldn't feel the music like i usually do.

to top it off, the dj was pissing me a little coz considering it was bhangra night, at one point it was all just english music, and i think "yeah" was played like 4 times in a space of like 40 mins or something. his rhythm change was also too soon and too sudden. like say, yeah then he changes to some slower tempo, then a way faster tempo, all under 8 minutes.

what was good though is watching a large array of good dancers working it out. from pure out indian dancing, to indian/r&b, to indian/hip-hop, it was fairly interesting and i wana dance like that and so i did. with the result of a very very sore hip, thigh muscles and balls of my feet. heels isn't something to learn new stuff in.

but i kept spacing out between dancing and the music, and soon migraine settled in.

just when it really got good... the fight started. the aforesaid gruffy guy, whom i shall name fatty, had already been sitting out there for a while. i am not quite sure what happened and how the fight started.

there can only be 2 things i can think of.

racial issues: guy is indian. assaulter is white. in stupid places like clubs, people talk shit without thinking.

girl issues: right after the fight, a girl was noticeably crying into her friend's arms and then subsequently disappeared abt the same time the police arrived. then again, she could be freaked out due to the blood and fight involved.

if you're wondering if i could tell u how those people look like and so on, no i can't. the only thing i can tell u is this:

they like jeans.

Fatty was wearing a 3/4 one, like those skateboarder wannabes u know. the other 2 were wearing the same colour of jeans but normal straight cuts for guys.

and the guy who handed the chair to fatty is a retarded fuck.

anyways, i don't wana see wrong people arrested because i am not sure if fatty got away. on the other hand, i am certain they shud arrest the fuck who passed the chair to him. but with limited capabilities, i could only say they all wear jeans...

anyways i will attempt to say this story with paint :( i didn't realise that it was a fight going on. when i originally saw the pushing and stuff, i thought it was some drunkards filling each other up. so no picts were taken.

ok, this is my point of view in the club. not very accurate, but adequate enough to let u know i aint tall enough to be free of the frosted portions of the glass, nor short enough. so all i ever saw, were legs and more legs, other than the one time the 2 guys fell down from the table being thrown in their face, and that time when fatty was sitting and i saw his arm hair... (no arm pits duh)

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

this was where the fight first started as far as i could see, between a blue car and a silver car. fatty tried to kick indian 1 (the main guy who got hurt as far as i could see) 3 times, landing 2 times.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

this was when fatty first grabbed the table. it's scary, u know, watching a guy grab a chair with 1 hand and swinging it right into someone's face. much less 2 persons' those words were my own, coz i can imagine them going wtf...

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

how indian 1 got pushed onto the boot, probably got punched or something before being released and dumped to the ground.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

my conclusion? it's a guy thing. they can't communicate as well as girls could, thus the need to use physical violence to get their idea across. Sometimes, it's not uber violent, other times it's the NEED TO SEE IT HAPPENING that shits me.



tonight for example, according to the police, whom i left a statement with, i was also one of the more detailed ones. thing is, at least 60% of them rushed to the window and were staring... some went out and k-po. all of them ran after fatty at least, making it like some kind of wild wild west movie or bolly wood style where they run to the fields to dance as a group, except these ran back too.

but, everyone i saw filed out of the door were MOSTLY not leaving statements. i know they want less trouble, but u know, someone could be wrongly implicated. and the real bitch set free.

could u walk out on that with your conscience? i can't.

at any rate, the police were nice enough to let us go and brought us to the front of ali baba's so we could eat.

literally the front o.o. he drove up the pavement and parked right at door. wahaahaha!!! best service!!! probably coz of many stuff that made it so long as well. were there for like almost 2 hrs or something. because i had more details i guess, plus slight errors on his part, thus confusing me 2.

i must say though, the chinese/thai (me and sheetle can't decide) detective was so hot man. so cool. saunters in ala Chou Ren Fatt, black overcoat and so on.. waaaaaaa *drools*

ahem

unlike the movies though =X i was a little disappointed. i wasn't lead into this cell like thing with sound proof walls that has got holes in it and then u know, just me and so and so talking, and him taking notes or using type writer.

just a normal dell and word pad T_T so sad!!!! or at least more high class la!! use palm top!!! buuuttt noooooooo dell. -.- geez.

also, on a side note. when you go clubbing, please be considerate. SUN DANCES are meant to be performed out in the fields, thus the word SUN so u can entice SUN. there are little people around u too, who doesn't need to know which direction ur arm pit hair grows, nor how it smells.

further more, learn to say sorry then do the right thing. not say sorry once, and then sundance ur way to hell. i can not count the number of times i kena on the head by some retard's elbows and wildly flaying arms. they were doing the sun dance, the boob dance (u know where they shake the boobs while doing belly dancing, ya like that) and the "praying mantis dance".

first off. HE and his FRIEND has no boobs. so wtf at across the dance floor boob dance.

2nd, they aren't praying mantis, so wtf again at across the dance floor praying mantis dance, complete with squating on the floor and dancing towards each other, like mating season or something.

thirdly, the fucking dance floor is so small, they literally blocked people from being able to dance happily, with their flaying arms, arm pit smell, shouting on top of the already loud music, thereby making us efficiently deaf for 20 mins each time.

not to mention that bump on my head from constant knocking. no matter where i hide, they manage to come close enough to hit my head.

no i am not short.

and kicking people is not a form of dance, at least not in clubs. thx.

ok time to get the smoke, beer and armpit smell off of me. stinky shit early in the morning. damn!!!

damn camera actually got the blood, but wont take sunrise again T_T

morning-after

ooo forgot to add, i move my entire ah... hrm... speakers and ah... my ipod into bath room... and u wonder why i stay so long in there

toilet-hifi



5/14/2005

for the 2nd day in a row, i woke up at 5 am with nary an idea why am i up at such a retarded hour. so after washing up, brushing teeth and what not, as well as reading some bbc news and so on and so forth (whatever normal people do in the mornings, i am sure i don't need to tell you that i pee-ed and so on), i walked out of the house at about 6.30 am, perfectly happy and with camera in tow, hoping to capture some great sun rise effects.

sadly, my camera decided to be a bitch. so most of the photos turned out darker and grainier than ever, making it look more like a sunset than a sun rise, and that i have been abusing it with photoshop. for those who know me, i know shit about photoshop, thus i have to leave these picts as they are. :( but they are still beautiful and i have set them up for everyone :D


when i first started out there were so much mists around, that it was all so very fairy tale like. there were some cars out and about already, but wasn't enough to spoil everything for me. soon i started singing by myself to my songs (yer... well... it's music!!! what u think?) and here was where my camera started being a bitch telling me i have no batt and then gives me shitty quality photos, even though i have like brand new batt in it.

mists

well i started heading towards the city to get batteries for it, thinking the batteries might have been faulty. then i came across the footie field. it was omg.. so awesome. some of the mists were barely settling in, so there was like this arc hanging in mid air worth of water droplets.

footie

and some retarded ducks that i feel like frying. i never forgave them for chasing me all the way home from class one day in my first year. STUPID DUCKS!!!!

peking-ducks

from the field though, the city looks so mysterious, surreal...

city-of-mists

and of course, the usual "artistic flair" of some vandals. honestly, some of them can be so gorgeous, but yer, illegal according to the government. sydney has one of the best graffiti works i have ever seen.

artwork

and... the occassional air con buses!!! i still don't know why they like to have that version of green. then again, i don't know why their fire engines are yellow.

action-bus

after that walk to town, to find my camera working again, i got mad at it and stopped for breakfast at Pancake Parlour. Nothing new about what i had, though i took pictures of my eggs benedict and hot chocolate that turned out so fuzzy it looks horrible, so i didn't load it :( but they were awesome!!! especially the marshmallows!!!

anyways, my destination for today was lake burley griffin anyways, not the woods near my home. so i started heading there after breakfast. now, most universities like to set up gardens and stuff on campus. but because my uni is just infront of the botanical gardens here plus various other factors, its virtually like going to school in a jungle. when i took these picts, i was like, damn, it looks like our classes are up in treehouses and not in cabins!!!

walkway-to-uni

in-da-woods

this apparently is the Australian Academy of Science.

scientists

on closer inspection, i wonder if they are secret romantics. look at the lay out, old architecture housing, flowers everywhere, looks more like a spot for proposal than for science =X. can you imagine, one of those geeky people going there with their girlfriend, talking about scientific stuff and then "erm, would u marry me? so i can make full use of our xx and xy chromosomes?" wwaaaaaaa...... (i also noticed its ian potter house, is he related to harry potter!?!?!?!)

harry-potter-house

when i first saw this sign after i first arrived, i wondered how many people actually drove the wrong way... scary....

sign-of-the-year

and then i hit lake burley griffin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i took a lot of picts from various different angle, which u can see the old and new parliament house, abit of the museum and etc. it's soooo beautiful, but this damn camera made everything so much darker. stupid camera!! *stomps on camera* rarrrrr

waterworks

waterwater

highway-of-love

i found some ugly looking birds, who had the audacity to look angrily at me and stopped bathing when i whipped out my camera. so, sadly, no picts of female birds taking a bath, just angry ugly buggers staring back at me...

peekaboo

city looks like a dream away from here... sigh... stay away u stupid buildings!!!!

once-upon-a-time

got home and decided that the new skittles packaging is a little too modernistic...

skittles

i wonder how the packaging of skittles are any different the world over? can u imagine them in cans... in small snuff boxes.. mmm skittles... i love them sssoooo much muahhaaha....

but i rather have this if i could =X jake's cute cute doggie... T_T so sweettt

jake's-doggie

jake's been saying australia is really gorgeous. i must admit it is, quiet, laid back, and like a corner away from the rest of the world. but the main cities of aussie isn't much different from the other cities in the world. smokey, grimey, smelly, full of emotionless looking people and so on.

then again... when u have met someone like this for a waiter

waiter

i can't exactly call it an emotionless place =X





5/13/2005

every time, this time of the year, i would be packing my bag full of notes and texts, and then meeting up with my friends at random places in singapore, generally places with chairs and tables, to study for our upcoming exams.

most of the time, we would have some subjects in common, be it geography, maths, english, chinese, literature... just something. We had sit at various cafeterias, mac donald's (most memorably, the one at bukit timah), with our walkmen/discmen/md players out just studying, munching, studying, listening to music and studying studying studying. we had mini breaks between studies, just talking to each other, walking to shops to have a look, talk about everything else but study.

being the testiest time of the year, it is also when the tears come out, when feelings get in the way, when people are raging because they are so mentally stressed out.

me and Q often went to the airport to study, between studying and eating, we had be watching planes fly by, talk about what we want to do in the future, what we think we should be doing to get there.

i lost my entire bag worth of money, pager (back then, handphones were like :O expensive) and my precious precious notes, while waiting for q to turn up with her bf. i thought they had arrived, were playing a prank on me, and just sat and read while waiting for them to get over their childishness. but then, an hour passed, then 2. and then i realised, er, my stuff were stolen. on the one hand, i was upset. q was kind late, which meant i had no way to contact her, nor to call anyone, nor to buy food, coz i was hungry.

on the other hand, i was on the verge of tears coz those notes were months of hardwork put into it. you might ask, wtf did i even leave my bag alone in such a public place? i guess familiarity starts making u trust. it was such an open area, and i was just away to make a 10cts call, so i just carried 10cts to the phone booth and came back. the only thing that was left, was my other notes that werent in the bag. it was a short walk, it was an open area, i never thought someone had just steal and had easily get away.

Leaving an all girls' school was perhaps one of the scariest event of my life. for the first time, in all my years of proper education, i have to face with post puberty but still kiddo guys. with all the stories my friends filled me in with their boyfriends and so on, i must admit, i got really edgy. it was also the first time i moved outta my green polka dotted uniform that i have grown to love so much too. and right into the ugliest possible uniform, which is also tedious to take care of. i went from this

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to a grey coloured 2 piece uniform, which in all stupidity had a PINK strip just below the shirt, to make it a faux tuck in of some sort. in all my possible ideas, i could not phantom why they made that pink strip amidst all that greyness. and because i was so comfortable in my 1 piece uniform, that 2 piece thing annoyed me so much, especially the ironing needed. most of the time, my old uniform just needed ironing around the collar and that's it. anything else could be just hung straight and they clear up.

at any rate, most of my friends went a different path from me, choosing to go vocational institutes rather than academic ones. i am kinda more of a reader and thinker than a worker at that point (not much has changed anyways :o) so off i went, back into higher lvlled versions of literature, and whatever other bullshit.

because of such a background, most of my friends, especially closer ones, are still girls. they are still the ones i run to when i have problems, when i need to cry and so on, because i just feel weird confiding in guys. like i do say some stuff, but i won't cry infront of them. tough bitch? nar.. just being.. ah.. well nvm.

3 whole years of jurong institute, which is now kinda defunct and formed millenia institute with outram institute, and all my studying were mostly done with a friend i found in my first year, called yj. oh she has a longer name than that, but i m just used to typing it as yj...

the same thing goes, studying, eating, shopping for snacks. we both have this chocolate tooth.. and we used to eat fries while studying (T_T i miss macdonald's @ bukit timah) and coke!!! oh yer.. those were the days.

when we study up too late, dad would sometimes pick me up and we had try and chat amidst the wind on his motorbike back home, about yj and her dad, about china, about studying and so on.

i miss all that. trying to do that again right here, feels weird, because i am all alone. nobody really goes maccas to study. people do in the library, but behind these cabo something tables, that shields u from the other person.

it's at times like these, i especially miss q and yj because there isn't someone to complain to, to discuss with and msn isnt the same as looking someone in the face and just gabbling away.

and as i munch away on my notes, in canberra there isnt a 24 hr place where i can run to to have midnight snacks with dad like roti prata or just a cuppa to talk and talk, because he isn't here and there's no 24 hr food stuff.

i miss home in a different way from some people. it's not just about familiarity or the people, it's the routines that i miss. and for once, i do wish i am back in singapore, escaping the humidity in the airport, studying with a chummy friend of mine.

sigh. stupid studying making me miss home.



5/12/2005

after playing for a bit and getting ready to go to school, i was just checking through my msn msgs for anything important before leaving and going to school.

Remember about a month or more ago, i mention this idiot who tried to cyber me often in lineage 2, and who sent me a picture of his greying penis? since then, more people have started talking to other people about his penis picts and also various things had happened ingame.

He was part of the alliance under his old clan. but midway through, apparently he tried to cyber with an clan member's wife, or tried to send his penis pict, or both. of course the entire clan had a tiff and he left, probably assuming that like in the past, whenever he detag, they would want him back anyways, like he's so important.

so he was almost booted from the clan, he left the clan instead, but appealed to join a rival clan so that "he could take it out on his old clan". on his application page to that new clan, he says, "i have always respected you as enemies and now we should work as allies" or something along that line. read: butt licking.

up till then, i thought, oh, just another boy working through his raging pubescent hormones. no big deal. however, his actions proves more than that. he is so sick in the head he doesn't see what he had done as a PROBLEM, that he must take revenge on his ex clan, instead of feeling exactly like the ass that he is.

anyways, by then lotsa people have heard from me as to the type of ass he is, as well as from various sources. because he has done this to so many people, the source isn't necessarily me anymore. thing is, girls should not be exposed to such visual abuse just because they are a rare breed in gaming. thus i feel necessary to tell people about such a tool.

in case you also haven't notice, he is also fair entertainment at how much of a fool he is.

after the last post on him, he gave me a curt "thanks, see you around" and proceeded to remove me from his friendlist ingame and blocked me. not a bad loss...

then he joined a friend's alliance.

i told another friend who told another friend lalaalala.... and far as i know he probably got the boot from the clan. at any rate, he's now abit of the server's laughing stock.

when i opened my msn tab just now, this is what i saw from him...

[07:47] SiL3nT: thanks for ruining my fun in Lineage II
[07:47] SiL3nT: i really apreciate it

ahem. excuse me dear sir, when u first started talking to me, u never mentioned anything about confidentiality.

secondly, when u first breached the lines of normality, i could have reported you and got you banned for sexual harassment, but i didn't. don't tell me ncsoft don't care, because it has been done before.

thirdly, if your idea of fun in a game is trying to fuck someone thru cables and networks, i would suggest u get your head check over. see, i can get porn, because u can see the action happening, it stimulates ur head a little.

i dont get cyber nor sending ur picture off to neverland. because right on this side of the monitor, i can be a dribbling 90 years old with a balding pubic region for all you know. the pictures that i sent you could be googled online anywhere, randomly. if you guys didn't know by now, u can google stuff like dscn001 or something and then u had churn up someone's private picture.

so to go thru that point more accurately, your idea of fun is to fuck someone u can't see, who might be a 90 years old dribbling old man, with balding pubics trying to get a hardon with little boys, i.e YOU. good work matt.

on the other hand though, if that's also your idea of fun, u are also the idiot that turns girls off playing because instead of just having casual fun, they have to learn how to handle dorks like you amidst all the learning of the game. guys with no life who tries to fuck their electrical appliances.

and you wonder why no girl wana get in your pants.

last but not least,

dear matt. if anyone's at fault for feeling like an idiot in this game, it is but your own. i did not ask for the pict of ur greying penis that wasn't washed since the beginning of time. i did not asked to be grossed out while having my dinner, neither did i seek to tell people intentionally at first what u did.

but i had to let it out of my mind because u gross me out that bad. whenever you couldn't find anyone to cyber u had come to me, with ur *caresses* and *kisses* and *strokings* that irks me, because 1) i am busy healing in a party 2) i am not interested 3) ur disgusting.

if you quit the game, i would honestly not care, because you suck as a player, you suck as a person and u need help. let it be known ur also the FIRST person i can safely say that because you contributed absoutlutely nothing into the l2 world on kain, other than set female cautions up high. you have done absoutlutely nothing for anyone, other than giving people attention, pretending to be nice to them so that they could satisfy your needs when u need them.

this is not to say other people did not, but u extended that into the female boundaries of satisfying your penis, and that makes u the fucktard that you are.

for those reading this, i am sorry if i gross you out, but i feel that at some stage, i have to let this out. if anyone need to comment on how i shouldn't bring this here, remember, my blog, my space, my entirety to do whatever i want on my blog, and this include making fun of anyone's assets as i wish.

goodbye matt, remember to wash ur penis every now and then so that it stops greying.



my friend asked me this on her blog, so i decided maybe i should just reply here coz by the time i was ready to comment and tried to summarise it, it almost became essay length hehe....

Why romance stories are so boring to some of us?

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Well, for one, more often than not it's a happy ending. if it's not happy ending, it's a super tragic ending where the living half would have learnt something but is unable to move on for the dead one. amidst all that, the middle of that is often terribly happy happenings, at least in the part in how they found each other, lalala, and then tada!! they are soul mates! wah so heng...

most of such books are predictable (then again, i have read like a grand total of 12 romance books so far or something, and more coz the cover's female has a huge bosom or they are pink in colour or something...) and while we had still cry at their predictability, we even desire to be like those main characters, they just don't hold our attention.

because we already know they won't happen and that imagining it happen just hurts our head and heart because you and i, one of us, at least 9 out of 10 have been hurt before in the name of love. these books hits us like a slap in our face that, hey, someone got it better out there, hah u suck!

yer it feels like that sometimes.

how does a person stay so cynical of love then?

coz, u know, despite ur subconscious knowing that books and tv arent real, that despite all that fiction, a part of u wish that u would have this gallant knight in shining armour come and sweep u off ur feet and then bring u in this circus of love and then u stay there happily ever after..

not likely to happen.

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YES happily ever after happens, just not the way it happens in books and in movies, in series or in ur wildest dreams. every relationship have their own up and downs, ins and outs. no 2 person is going to be perfectly at ease with each other, not likely to argue, not likely to disappoint one another. hell, u even disappoint ur parents at some stage, who's to say about someone who's not related to u.

it's like this family thing but with someone else who's not in ur family, who's not familiar with u.

while no one expects the other half to totally aquiesce to them, or to be utterly romantic, there are still expectations, there are still differences and sometimes, it eats away at u.

i remember an ex colleague, she had a not so perfect marriage to a guy coz she was pregnant. they weren't exactly very madly in love before marriage, even she admitted that she only married coz of the kid, and to "try things out", in her own words.

in the end, the smallest thing pisses her off, even before her kid was born. the way he snores at night, how he turns in bed till he was "upside-down" while he's sleeping, how he can't sleep with music on while she needs to have some music on.

it's when the breakdowns occur, the break ups that happen, the tears that u shed for the men that walked out of ur life, for the un-reciprocrated love that u spent sleepless nights on, that u turn a cynic. rl never seems to run like the books u read, the movies u cry over, the lyrics u hear.

but rl, is also more than a day, more than a few hours, more than cameras, lights, ink and paper. it takes 2 hands to clap, 2 lives to bend so that they may compromise, that's what, in my opinion, love is.
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of course don't be an idiot and compromise and change urself so utterly that u aren't yourself anymore. i mean, for fucks sake, he loves u then he gotta love all of u, isn't that what he fell in love with in the first place? if it isn't then he isn't worth a single bit of ur time just move on.

i know, i can be wrong. i am speaking from my own personal point of view, with my not so vast experience with guys. but i do know at least my mum, my friends all had their various expectations of what kind of guys they want. and everyone of them had their expectations fell short.

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one had a boyfriend who had do anything for her, but has a temper the temperature of a volcano, with equal efficiency at erupting.

another married a man thinking she can be a rich bum, but never got round to being a rich bum...

another had a boyfriend who would even wipe her tears away that she may never be hurt again by anyone... to be the same person who abuses her.

and then the guys have their own bad share of girls too. one had a girl who went cheated on him.

another guy lost his gf to an online dude coz he wasn't as romantic as him, or as hard working as that guy to travel the distance to meet her (then again, singapore is only about 33km by 40 km or something like that, how far the hell u want him to travel anyways bitch?)

so tell me, is it wrong to be a cynic?

then again.. is it wrong to be a hopeful person?

both answers are.. not really.

then u hear songs like beautiful soul, i need you and i can't live a day without you blah blah blah...

you watch shows where the guys had die so that their girls can live... and then u wonder where's prince kermit....

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he does exist.. somewhere out there. sorry to say, some of them are damn hum ji. if not most of them. they might never die for u, they might never give up their 837108313212 paying jobs so that they can move away with you to never never land.

BUT! some of them have balls!!!! remember Andrea D'Cruz and Pierre Png?!?!

click to see the story

ya! he donated his liver to her when her diet pills caused her to have a liver malfunction or something... so there's hope!! ^.^ it was a dire situation admittedly, not like its a show or something, but, everyone of us out there wanted to have a special someone who would do something for us like that. and few people, very handful few would actually do such a thing, despite whether they say they would or not.

i think their story actually made everyone's day and sigh hard and wish their boyfriends/girlfriends would do the same for them too. unlike shows, stories and other fictictious stuff, their's real.

they are real!

therefore...

have hope!! cynical is ok!! but don't let it bog u down!!!



blah.

for the last one week now, my strange dad has been calling me leaving me more confused than my usual essays do.

he had call and go "harllo?"

"hi dad... wassup?"

"it's night now right?"

"er ya..??"

"ok bye!!"

ermmmm... ok.

then he had call again... and ask "hey... you still playing games?"

"ya, still l2.. why?"

"oh nothing.. BYES!!! :D"

....

YESTERDAY!!! amidst my readings and so on, he called "eh fatso, how are assignments going?"

"still doing some, exams coming up. why leh?"

"o nothing...!!!"

*click*

omg. SOMEONE STOP MY DAD!!!!!!!!!

then this morning ...

"hey fatso.. i think ur mum threw away ur soft toys... how?"

"... why???"

"iono... it's not there anymore"

"wtf!!! did she move it?"

"she won't say anything but ur sis said she threw them away.."

"she crazy or what?"

"i was kidding la..."

.............................................

my dad.. is damn free.



5/10/2005

went for a short walk. wasn't too bad except my over active brain started making fun of everything i saw :o or started taking the wrong ideas.

like when i went past this truck

takeaway

i started thinking, man, is this truck here to lift the house away? looks very much like it though, i mean, this damn truck is like the same size as the house!!

then i got home sick looking at this..

singaporean

few things can aptly describe singapore in silence as roadworks. i mean, how many times do u have roadworks near ur house? i have lost count -.-"

what caught my eye though was this sign



cuddly... i feel like a bear... all squisshyy.... maybe if i lie down on the road now someone would take me home and care for me =X

i mean really, after all i live near this kindergarten, with bushes as fences

fence-of-pricks

i might get picked up by a sweet kid who will hug me to sleep every night, amidst the drool, gurgling and chicken pox!! but as a cuddly bear, i wont be affected at all, and i get to be washed!! no more showering for myself by myself with myself... i get tumbled around with clothes!

but anyways...

it is autumn now, although the weather doesnt feel so at times. it's still fairly warm in the day, but at night i lose my toes to the cold. the trees have started changing colours, and even shedding.

autumn

they make a wonderful effect though as long as you're not thought to be a stalker/murderer/spy/strange just coz ur taking photos... as i discovered this person hurrying away from me with her dog...

walk-the-dog

strange people.

oh wells. incidentally, i suddenly realised how much canberrans love round-abouts. i mean, what's the deal with it. i have one in my "backyard" one before reaching my home, one after, and guess what?

roundabout

i found one just right after it, along the road to belco! although this pict is ruined by the damn sun, it's... still a wow from me =X i tend to like praising myself :P

on my way back, i saw this thing towering over a house.. and the only thing i could think of was..

phallic

phallic symbols.

damn literature teachers.




rosaries
Originally uploaded by anivyl.

the aforesaid rosary.. decided to post it up for the curious, though the image really doesnt live up to the real thing



school is stressing me out. i hate exams/assignments period because it makes me feel like i am forced to write something out Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
. i like writing stuff out, churning them at an impossible speed with an impossible length.

but i also like to do it when my mind feels like it, not when someone wants me to do it. i have taken to sleeping even more abnormal hours now, because i feel i work better at night than when the sun does shine.

the sun distracts me, annoys me and eats at me. i wish classes are at night too, but if everything goes all the way different from what they are now, the silence of the night would be broken, and then it be the same as it is now: where i hear inane sounds at the quietest time of the day.

when i went to church yesterday, i approached the priest to do something i have been forgetting for a whole year now to do, every single sunday that i often forget: to bless my "new" rosaries. these rosaries aren't all that new now that it's been a year, but when i bought them (they were a pair, but i didn't bless the other, just the one i am going to use), i spent like 200 on them. both of them were bought with various meanings in mine, one for understanding of love and life, and the other for innocence and love (so i am a die-hard romantic, even in religion, so what?).

the first was bought for my then boyfriend, who had a pretty tough time with relationships. but with his possessive-ness, and scary approaches, i am not surprised. being his girlfriend was stressful, because he doesn't want me to do anything that i like, and he has all these insecurities that i stood thru with him. eventually, it was all his broken promises that drove me away. so thus the rosary remained with me, still un-blessed in case i do see anyone who quite rightly deserves it.

the unique thing about these rosaries though, is how they are made. they are actual miniature flowers (i have no picts of them atm because they wont show up well with my stupid camera taking skills) you can view some of them here http://www.ourroserosary.com/ and http://www.roserosary.com/index1.html, although there are really 2 main online shops that sell them. i just can't remember from which did i buy mine from =X but they have excellent services from both of them, willing to answer questions that u may have and form opinions in case u are in 2 minds about what to get.

anyways, yes, i got the priest to bless the ones i intend to use for myself then i offered to do readings once i am more settled into the church. being new and all, i am still pretty shy. hehehe... but, horrors of horrors, he told me to audition by standing at the reading corner and speak thru the mic, with the mic fully on and so on.

considering how the mass has just ended and everyone was flooding out, some stopped to wonder if i was some kind of crazed prankster reading another reading at that point. i hurried through the words like i normally wouldn't, a little scared from the attention.

yer i can read slowly, with short passages. full on presentations requiring me to stand there for more than 30 mins will drive me mad.

walking home though, i was fairly happy and relaxed. going to church is like going home i guess, just feel so happy and at ease. it was coming home and facing the assignments that thoroughly riled me up abit Image Hosted by ImageShack.us.

you won't believe the amount of procrastinating that i did. from reading blogs, to reading news, i dug up so many things to read, that eventually my assignment was severely digressed and i had to backtrack and delete some stuff so that i could actually stay on the topic, because i was actually typing what i was reading (reading on the side and typing is not exactly what one should be doing but oh wells, i like it Image Hosted by ImageShack.us).
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one of the more interesting things that i found were people who did photo blogs on their road trips. while some put them up with good reasons (let my friend see la, my family needs them la... my mother will kill me if she didn't know where i am la... the works...) others are beyond comprehension. they weren't even exactly road trips.
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i am not going to link them here, because i don't know them nor their purpose of putting them up on the www. they were basically pictures of children in compromising poses, bad taste of clothes, revealing or not, but definitely children.

if those were what a person considers as road trips, and u actually find some kind of pleasure in it, i would suggest u check out a psychologist.

all in all, i finished my assignment, managed to read like tonnes of stuff amidst it, AND PRODUCED SOMETHING NOT SO MANGLED BY MY THOUGHTS!!! wweeeeeee.... Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
and i managed to watch naruto 133.. or was it 135 Image Hosted by ImageShack.us ?? at any rate, it was awesome!! for those who don't know, it's an anime, and this last episode i was watching had the major fight between sasuke and naruto set in motion. there's 3 mini parts to this fight, mainly the parts when its just naruto and sasuke fighting without much special powers to them, then moving on to naruto getting serious a little... then almost dying, the kyuubi in him got round to starting up this huge bunch of chakra...




well go watch it, i am not about to say anything Image Hosted by ImageShack.us for those who haven't watch anime before, it's like watching cartoons but better Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

and then there was bleach, which isn't much still at the moment in my opinion. the next episode of bleach might have more fighting scenes and tells more of the story, i hope. most of the more serious animes normally has some kind of story lines at least, that i am interested in.




wahahaha, so many things to distract me!!! and tsubasa chronicles seems to be getting better!!! so... ahem, will my anime provider please hurry up and send me more animes already!!! Image Hosted by ImageShack.us



and recently i have been having very very strange dreams. it's pretty much similar stuff, where there is a world war thing going on, and then i magically summon kittens out to save the world!! sadly though, these aren't the cartoony types i get in my game, but rather the real ones (which are twice as cute anyways!!), and they go pawing and scratching at people with guns and they win!!!

maybe.. just maybe.. we are going to be silently dominated by cats!!

the world, as according to panda Image Hosted by ImageShack.us



5/07/2005

most of you should have heard of the da vinci code by now, and some should have read it. more and more, i got severely curious by the controversies the rose around it, a mere fiction book.

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my relationship with novels, i must say, goes beyond the simplicity of just reading it. i sometimes live in them, grow with them. i was practically nurtured by the books i read, more than really brought up by my parents.

so when a book of this nature got into my attention, i did try to resist reading it, coz it makes me feel like one of the sheeps that got herded in that general direction. i did, however, buy the prequel earlier in the year. and that did arouse my curiousity more. this guy may not be writing a gigantic epic, or something extraordinary. infact, it's like most other crime fiction, albeit perhaps more detailed in terms of his scientific/locational research.

it's just like me trying to produce an entirety in terms of moving along with the characters, i described every single wind they feel, touch, this man introduces the maths equations, the history behind some of the REAL stuff in the world.

just for starters, i finished the book. yer. i finished it in like 12 hours, that's not the point though.

i bought the book yesterday, finally succumbing to my curiousity. i wanted to see why many religious leaders warn their sheep against the book. by the time i was about half way through the book, i could see why people were worried for the religion, people got curious about the catholic faith and whether Jesus was married or not and almost de-braining themselves in the process.

of course the first clue to it all should have been noticed right from the start.

"FACT:

The Priory of Sion—a European secret society founded in 1099—is a real organization. In 1975, Paris's Bibliothèque Nationale discovered parchments known as Les Dossiers Secrets, identifying numerous members of the Priory of Sion, including Sir Isaac Newton, Botticelli, Victor Hugo, and Leonardo da Vinci.

The Vatican prelature known as Opus Dei is a deeply devout Catholic group that has been the topic of recent controversy due to reports of brain-washing, coercion, and a practice known as "corporal mortification." Opus Dei has just completed construction of a $47 million National Headquarters at 243 Lexington Avenue in New York City.
All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate."

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that was the first page before the story officially started.

da vinci code was essentially looked upon as a book of fiction based around facts known to the author. the only fiction is really what happens in the story, such as the main character being related to anyone in the real world.

but because of the intricate web that crossed such boundaries and back, most readers would start getting pulled in and forget that a fiction book is still a fiction book. in all likelihood, there would be factual errors as well, and plenty of personal opinion and feelings chucked in.

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i must admit, by the time i did that halfway point in the book, not only could i see why it has such controversies as mentioned, i myself was abit muddled as to if the book has any truth to it at all.

remember, i am a curious cat.

it probably didn't help either that i have read many books before, and getting all the stories all messed up in my head didn't help at all.

so it is that i stopped reading for a couple of hours and started researching into the story. i dugged out my bible, ran through the internet and found out many many startling facts, some of which were probably in my face but it has never bothered me coz it wasn't explicitly IN THE FACE kind of truth. one of the errors of taking things as they are, or having a messed up kind of memory.

fact from the book: mary magdalene/mary of magdalena, WAS NOT AND NEVER HAS BEEN A PROSTITUTE.

a quick search in all the bibles online, plus my own bible proved that. perhaps why people got all drawn into thinking that she was a prostitute was that an un-named sinful woman was forgiven by Jesus for her sins in the CHAPTER before mary magdalene was introduced. people reading in a straight line might have just messed up the info.

but, in at least one version of the bible, i am still certain one of them mentioned that the sinful woman, was indeed a prostitute, thus labelled as sinful. otherwise, i am not quite sure where i got the notion from, for, the most part, i kinda read the entire bible by myself.

u can read the "Sinful Woman Pardoned" on luke 7:36-50 i believe.

in luke 8:2 is where the first mention of mary of magdalena first appeared. she was a woman, whom jesus casted out 7 demons, and one of the few women who went around trips with Jesus.

it is fairly important to read a fictitious book objectively. not researching it and blindly believing the "facts" that an author said are facts, is really just asking for it. i know many people just read for the sake of reading. but then again, there are those who believe what they read as truth AND starts spreading about it.

it is a great book in it's own right. it got people thinking, it got people curious, and that is what books are about, to engage the mind. because of that, if you actually go around doing your research well, you will find that it's also educational too. i am not about to debunk it as a total case of rubbish, because it is good fiction, it engages me, it made me start thinking about my religion and what i truly believe in.

would it have mattered to me if Jesus, one of the 3 central beings around which my religion was centered upon, was a married man with kids? would it have mattered if he was as fallible as man, to be like a man and have sex and love his wife differently from the way he loved his disciples (keyword: different. not more, not less, but different)?

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the answer is no.

i think this has been mentioned many times before but i guess it's all right to pull it up again. in societies of that time, it was a norm to get married (much like it is now, but people chooses not to that's all) and part of the family's duty was to find their sons a wife. infact, look at the much more traditional families nowaways, they still perform this "arranged" marriage thing, and usually at a young age.

aside from that, the bible showed God in agreement with procreation, and Jesus love kids. and also lots of comments about families and so on ( i am not going to pull up every single bible reference to all of you, this will take a long time.). it would seem strange then if Jesus goes celibate or would encourage his disciples to act as such.

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of course, people would then start saying that it could be very plausible that there's this part where "you must have no other God than me" and in a relationship, it's hard to be all that focused on God, when you have a family to love and care for. honestly? check out the families that goes to church. in bringing forth children, they teach the future generation to love God as much as they did, their ancestors did.

my point is, even if Jesus was married and has descendants now and so on, and whether it was mary magdalena or not,it doesn't affect my choice of religion, because what he taught was good, what he did for us was good. when he died, he died for us so that all souls may go to heaven, that we maybe closer to God. That is supposed to be our fixating point, not if he was married or not. and since our focal point was also God, i still don't see how marriage should affect us.

If God did intend Jesus to come down to earth and share a human life like us, suffer like us, then marriage, would have been perfectly reasonable, because it was the norm and it shouldn't deter anyone from believing in the Messiah, just coz he has a wife. we DID accept the fact that despite our imaginings that he was fearless, he did indeed prayed in the garden (ref: matt 26:39, Agony in the Garden) "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as i will, but as you will." he feared of what may come, like normal humans would. he was scared, like us if we knew our impending doom.

so what is marriage?

just more affirmation that Jesus was as much a human when he was supposed to live as a human as he is a Divine Being after his death and resurrection.

for the people who like their Gods to be infallible, their priests/ priestesses/ prophets/ whatnots be totally infallible, you're in the wrong part of the universe. go somewhere else.

"fact" from the book:

this one is one of the biggest error i guess that made people upset. i could see why though, they wanted to see a real life "secret society" that smells archaic, honourable and various other things at the same time. the priory of scion.

the ORDER OF ZION was real, and was associated with the Knights of Templar. note the was. the priory of scion however, was a joke and a fraud (link:http://priory-of-sion.com/psp/id84.html). perhaps dan brown didn't do proper research before stating that it was a fact, or perhaps like me, he got it messed up and then zion and sion got all messed up and.. well you get the idea.

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somewhere at the back of my head i have read something about the priory of scion and it's existence as something real, probably a fiction too from elsewhere, thus by the time i was halfway thru, my mind was all fucked up and i really had to research to seperate those bits of fiction with facts by looking it up. so if u draw back to where i showed u what he said about the fact that priory of scion was a real organisation, secret or ni, well, that's bullshit. :( sad isn't it?

there were also other parts of the fiction that claims that the church actively tries to hide the truth from the their members, which, as u can see, is part of his story. true or not, it's really up to the individual to take it. again, human makes mistakes, many times over. the church did have a horrific past where killings were on to "convert" people or just for the pure sake of money. there were homosexual priests/popes as much as there were priests/popes with families, that were against the celibacy rules (which were set in about the 300s?). then of course there were the notorious ones who had various amounts of illegitimate kids, some of which were chosen as cardinals, rituals of benefiting themselves and their loved ones.

with such a horrible past of breaking the very same rules that they make, i wouldn't be surprised if the Catholic church did have some secrets to hide, because they don't want to seem all too evil, against the teachings of the bible, or just being vulnerable to the same human mistakes that the people they were supposed to guide make. but would it have turned you away? are you there because the church looks good? i am not, i wouldn't go away.

then again u have those child molestations accusations, how does one react to that?i guess i would be a bit freaky, but the church is not all about the priests, its about God and the members. priests are like these mediators.

yer the go betweens.

at the end of the day, it's just a fiction book. i enjoyed it immensely, like i would with any other book. true, it got me all messed up about my facts because i wasn't sure of them in the first place, and he was also fairly convincing with the facts i already know (the usual brain thing that goes "if 3 or more facts are accurate, why not all of it), but it engaged my mind and got me to find out more about my religion, about other truths in the world, and that is quite a huge task that a small book did.

it did not put me through any religious crisis that some people might feel religious people, or anybody of faith would have. rather, with each research, i know more about my religion and it's past than i did before.

well spent 16 bux.



you would probably notice the new button to the right. the ugly donations button.

i kinda made the button on a whim, but yes, it does allow u to kindly donate money to little ol' me on this site then.

why is it there?

not for any particular reason. i was just testing out this function of paypal, and also more for a fun thing.

there's so many things i want, more than i really need, that it's just simply ridiculous if i expect someone or anybody to donate to me.

there's only 1 huge thing that i want atm though, and that's graduating then visitng my bf... well 2 things then.

i could go work and then use my own money to do it, but i am also studying heaps. so i dont wana stress about work too.

however, if you do choose to donate, o.o well thanks. ^.^ i will probably put in the funds towards that sponsor a child program in world vision anyways :)



5/05/2005

some one asked about personal opinions on living off and on campus, since there was a huge bunch of us who moved out. so i decided to just post it here, that my other friends may know as well what i think (less chance of repetitive questions!!!)

i have lived on campus for 2 years. part of the reasons i left were that the services were getting unreliable, the food was getting worse and some of the costs were simply retarded. 12cts/mb dl for internet, can u imagine that?

mine was as close knitted community coz we were i think the 2nd smallest hall on campus, when i first arrived anyways. ours also were one of the 3 fully catered halls, which i chose so if exams comes around, i wud not and need not be bothered to cook.

perhaps why i chose it was also retarded too hehe. from the weird maps, the way they described the halls, i thought they were better spread apart, and that they had different views from their rooms, so since the one i chose pointed out that u had be living near a river and get to see it too if u live on the right side, i decided hey! burgie it is for me!! it looks better than the others too on the brochures.

when i arrived tho, burgie looked, at first sight, that it hasn't completed its building. then again, everyone of the buildings on campus did. of course, horror of horrors, 3 of the 7 halls or so is just by the river!

there were also other reasons why i chose to stay on campus. being next to school, me and my bad habits of being late might get curbed, or almost curbed. over the months, i learnt that the nearer u r, the more likely ur to be late :P

on campus though, everything is easier. school is just next door, ur friends are kinda "picked" for u, and thru o'week interactions, u get to meet the uni crowd which if ur living off campus and dont know much abt on campus activities or feel too lazy to join, u wont ever get to know those crowd.

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as a first year though, back then i was pretty clueless. plus the fact that this isnt a place i was familiar with, the on campus help, the tutors, the admin in the hall, every little bit helps. because there is constantly people around, and people with similar studying and sleeping habits, i am never really alone.

but being so close can have its own tensions too. the way the halls were built, we could hear everyone clearly over the pipes, or at least my next door neighbours. i could hear them humping like rabbits, breaking up, their kissing mistakes (the unforgettable, OUCH YOU BIT MY LIPS!) or them talking "behind" my back. there will always be inconsiderate neighbours who come home loud and drunk, breaking stuff, stuffing up the fire alarms, waking people up at 5 am, in the shower making out with their girlfriends OR barging into your room and stealing all ur snacks.

don't get me wrong, all these are also part of college, on a certain scale, when i detached myself from being in there, it's actually amusing. but all this amusement went out of the window one day when my neighbour, who had been bugging the hell out of me about my alarm which also wakes him up, to keep my alarm on my desk so that it doesnt wake him thru the pipes. my alarm though, is THAT loud. even with it on the desk, it does penetrate the walls. so he came pounding on my door a nice sunday morning, resulting in a very pissed off me who decided not to go to church, to pretended to sleep thru everything, and tell him i heard nothing, though i was seething mad.

that night, he didn't like the music i was playing. but didn't know how to change song, turn down the volume or etc, so he MUTED my laptop altogether, when i wasn't around. i mean, we all have an open door approach, if ur unhappy, u can always come and turn it down. but muting it and not leaving a note, stealing my snacks and not leaving a note, BARGING INTO MY ROOM WHEN I AM HALF ASLEEP, i had enough. i didn't even know he muted it and thought my laptop died and was in tears, coz i didn't know how to tell my dad i broke my laptop, and i need music to survive. having a md player back then, i need to have sounds to be able to record it on md.

by the time i realised what happened, i marched over to his door and had a talk with him, about what i don't like. he gave me this "worst neighbour i would ever encounter" face and i finally talked to the floor tutor, HIS GF!!! who had a small argument with him in which he denied everything.

again, have more intelligence. if u can farken hear me i can hear u too. so dumb.

anyways, that's just one of the types of neighbours i get. and u can't choose your neighbours. even if you move around, you will still get a dickhead, or a bimbo and u will always always wana scream when u get them type of neighbours.

and the food. well when i first started, it was interesting. i had an affinity towards westernised food, like pasta, fish and chips, even if its a little too greasy.

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but as time wore on, their terrible cooking astounded even me. i mean, whats with the random pasta nights and pizza nights? don't get me wrong, i love pasta and i love pizza, or at least i did before i joined. but when they got lazy, it was all they cook, be it twice a week or 3 times a week. or it's bangers and mash. until i came here, hot dogs were snacks. from what i understood its about 15 bucks a meal. and 15 bux for bangers and mash.. it's kinda shitty. even if its not for normal dinners, check out our formal dinners.

we had platters of cheap food, like those u get from bbq outings with friends, those ranges from 16 plus a head to 21 a head. during my first year it was still impressive. in the 2nd year, it just kept getting worse. and u can't choose what food they should cook for you. u just have a choice of 2 types of meat, the vegies and then the cold dish bar outside (which is often a mishmash of whatever they didnt get to finish the day before, the afternoon of that day, etc.). for the vegetarians though, it's just one choice of food.

i know, i shouldn't be picky, it is college after all, and college food are basically limited to what you pay. but see, we are living there, i would at least expect a balance form of meal that isn't a mish mash of whatever u forgot to cook that week that is about to expire and etc, which at times was the exact image they are laying out to me. i mean check out the random ingredients on that pizza!! wth.

aside from that, there are times when u know, ur anti social, u don't wana participate in any retarded activities there maybe. but because everyone is going, and everyone is bugging you to go, you get annoyed. or better yet, u get people hollering at ur doors to go, banging at ur doors at 9 in the morning when all u wana do is sleep in.

or u just am too shy to dance in the crowds and they are pulling you out of the door. i still remember hiding underneath the table so that no one would even know i am in the room. in case the peek underneath and see my feet walking around..

that said, i still do miss college life. walking around at 2am during exam period with my blankie around me, in shorts and t shirt and then sitting at people's door just gossiping is something that u cant do when u move out. it's just you and someone else in the same apartment.

moving out, u choose ur flatmates, for the better or worse. if u choose ur friends, u have this huge thing dragging u down that u dont wana be too harsh on them, u give in all the time coz, oh it's ur friends. then when u guys do sit down and mesh things out about rules and such, and what ur unhappy with, sometimes you feel bad.

if u choose utter strangers, you wonder why u bother even moving out of college if they do weird stuff. and then ur all shy and have to start with all that getting to know bit again.

one of the biggest challenge i guess, was actually forcing myself to cook occassionally for myself to save costs. it's very tempting to just order stuff from across the streets, or call up all the deliveries u could see. i mean, man, how can u resist curry!?!!?! sushi?!?! pizza? pho? EXACTLY!!! i couldn't lol...

and also, since i haven't cooked in the 2 years that i was in college (instant noodles doesn't exactly require much effort), my present cooking leaves much to be desired. i don't even know what goes with what anymore, or how many spoons of flour goes with how many teaspoon of this and that to make sugar cookies, which i used to make on such a regular basis it was funny...

for those who say coming to uni itself is a step towards independence, i would like to point out it's really half a step. those who stays on campus, we get most of our toilets cleaned by someone else, water and electricity bills help paid by the college so we dont get disgusting bills flooding our mailboxes, we have people help sort out junkmails from normal mails. i mean, check this out... this is just 2 days of mail..

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would you want to experience sorting that out then lugging out all that junk? not me Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

in college we had shared stuff, like toilets, kitchenette, fridge, bathrooms. in this particular apartment, we have double ensuites. which was awesome, to say the least. the bad parts of shared amenities is obvious. people steal your food, if u forget ur soap and gold chains or whatnots in bathrooms, it gets stolen sometimes. and our shared fridge, microwave were all stinky from multitudes of use, all types of food, but 0 cleaning. the toaster was burnt beyond use, and the kettle was... i wouldn't use it. i had my own anyways.

but here, i have to clean my own toilet, i have to clean my own kitchen, and of course, my own plates. gets tiring sometimes Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

there's of course the distance from school. when i am really late, the retarded bus schedules doesn't help (20-30 mins for one. in singapore we get buses every 5-15 mins depending on alot of circumstances.). in the same time that i might have to wait for the next bus, i might have reached school by walking then. then again, i was already late.

i handle my choice of food. THAT is a blessing, regardless of how badly i cook. i have LESS idiots bugging me as neighbours. i mean, the walls here arent all that much thicker, but people shuddup after 11 or 10, because most are working people or people who lead normal lives so that draculas like me have our peace at night to study or have normal sleeping hours.

and i don't get sordid sounds of people humping next door, going eeee eeee eee aaa aaaa aaa, like hamsters do when they hump.

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like, it's entertaining, about as much as porn entertain me at times when i am really bored and sit there and laugh at the impossible positions they can think up in porn. but, like porn, they are also very limited entertainment.

i can be as anti social as i like, with no one dragging me out of my room except for my classes. and me and my housemate pretty much kept to our own businesses. like we talk, but we pretty much leave each other alone too.

so to end off, each have their own advantages. i would say if your new to the place, or ur in your first year, it would be better to stay on campus. uni life can get very stressful and if u know people who are suffering with you, well, it makes the suffering at least a little happier because you are not alone in your struggle. there's also the ease of having tutors to help you out too in the colleges, and they hold discussions often enough for certain courses (if not they are fairly approachable at times, and only for some, if not just request a tute... and see how it goes..). there's of course, always the pool of later year students to just ask.

the benefits of living off campus is having a real taste of independence, being able to be by urself when u really want to, AND THE FOOD!!!!

so yer... i like both Image Hosted by ImageShack.us it also helps that my apartment is gorgeous, despite the various packing boxes that lincy hasn't bothered to put aside (rose has termed it the box room) and a random bed that appeared out of nowhere (linxy got a new bed and now the new bed is the "sofa", but without a bedframe to make it sofa bed, it's just a matteress), a pc table that appeared there coz no one is using it (wade can use it when he comes over... i guess.) and yer, just the cool amount of rubbish.

and yer, no one barging into my room when i might be naked, sleeping or doing my random dances. no one to yell at me about alarms, or steal my stuff.

yer!!!!

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dang i love myself!!



5/04/2005

found on http://www.abc.net.au

Plastic potty helps pussy pee
Judy Skatssoon
ABC Science Online
Monday, 2 May 2005

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Owners shouldn't put too much pressure on their cats when toilet-training as this can cause anxiety and constipation, animal behaviour experts say.

Cats can be trained to take themselves to the bathroom and use the toilet like humans, says the inventor of a pussy potty.Australian designer Jo Lapidge says her system structures cat toilet-training into three stages using behaviour modification and a system of colour-coded rings.

The system, which is being commercially marketed, uses red, amber and green toilet seat-shaped rings that can be filled with kitty litter and placed over the toilet bowl.Kitty graduates through the rings, which have holes of increasing size, until she is weaned off the litter and learns to balance on the toilet seat alone.

Why teach a cat to use a toilet?

Lapidge says the idea isn't as silly as it sounds.She says as well as eliminating the need for kitty litter in the house, it means the cat can stay indoors, which protects native wildlife.

Lapidge isn't the first to come up with the idea but her innovative design has won her a place in the Fresh Innovators initiative, a campaign to highlight the work of emerging Australian inventors.She says the final design came to her in a "flash of inspiration" after trying to toilet-train her own cat Doogal using pot-plant saucers and cheap plastic toilet seats cobbled together in her backyard.

Lapidge says her invention is sturdy, practical, easy to get on and off the toilet seat and helps owners break toilet-training into straightforward steps."It allows you and your cat to progress at its own pace," she says.

Cats, like children, achieve toilet-training in their own time

Plastic wrap does the trick tooDr Kersti Seksel, an Australian registered veterinary specialist in animal behaviour, says it isn't difficult to train a cat to use the toilet and you don't even need to fork out money for commercial products.

A roll of plastic wrapping and a bit of cardboard works just as well, she says.You cover the toilet with plastic wrapping, place a piece of cardboard with a hole cut in the middle over the top, and sprinkle kitty litter into the hole.Once the cat has finished toileting, it scratches the plastic wrapping as if it was digging to bury the waste. This rips the plastic wrapping, allowing the soiled kitty litter to drop into the toilet below.

"The first step is getting them up on the toilet once you get them on the toilet then you just change what the litter tray looks like then away you go," she says.

But don't expect the cat to flush the toilet, Seksel says."I'm sure there'll be somebody who'll says 'yes my cat does', but generally they don't," she says.

Seksel says based on her experience about 5% of cat owners would have toilet-trained moggies, particularly people who live in apartments."It's not common but it's not that strange," she says.

Theoretically, many animals, including dogs and rabbits, can be trained to use the toilet, but there are physical limitations.

"The average great dane isn't going to balance on a toilet seat," she says.

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when i first read this, the first thing i could think about was k-lo.

k-lo is the cutest, most handsome cat u could ever find, but he belongs to my friend. anyways, this machoistic cat that lives with my friend, also have the luxury of the squating toilets that exists in my friend's apartment. most newer apartments no longer have those squatting ones, but my friend's home isn't exactly all that new.

anyways, one day, while i was visting nurjit, k-lo was no where to be found.. so i was like, er.. oh wells (i have this thing for cats... when i find them i tend to follow around them meowing away...)

then i needed to use the toilet... so off i went happily and guess who i saw, with his face all scrunched up, one eye slightly opened staring at me....

k-lo.

he was taking a dump right there...tail lifted up, ass half way thru the toilet so that his dump goes right in. he doesnt seem very happy that i was staring though...

so anyways, that was the end of it. after he was done, k-lo strutted to this water holding thing, like those saucepan things, but plastic. it was slightly filled with water.. he gently pawed it or something, and lept aside as it woosh water down the toilet!!!!!

i was like "OMG NURJIT, LOOK AT K-LO!!! HE'S FLUSHING THE DAMN TOILET...!!!" or some pathetic attempt to flush anyways!!!

then he stared at me again. and i just stared back, the urge for pee was totally gone.

licking his paws, he suddenly started scrubbing the edges of the toilet bowl, the under rims where it might be dirty... working his way roughly till it was near the water pool.

i couldnt stop laughing, and this time nurjit joined me, commenting on how hard working k-lo is scrubbing up his mess, and how she was never this hardworking before!! lmao... her mum stood beside us, commenting that she neednt wash the toilet that week after all, with such a hardworker..

and all this time, k-lo kept looking at us, sternly, as if we were wrong to laugh at him -.-

in the mean time, i think there's only ONE face that can sum up this post.


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lol!!!!! probably not as funny as the 2 girls... but still deserves some notice!!

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/loveme.html



most people go to uni, to be in uni, to study.

in the case of some, they have a past time that often overtakes the better side of their brains.... aka the one that does the thinking, and does something else altogether that soon takes up all their time.

i am talking about people who comes to uni and spend like 80% of their time deciding if the people who goes to uni dresses well or looks hot. someone was whining to me the other day, how the faculty she was in have no hot boys in it. and i just stared. i mean, is that what it's all about?

then she proceeds on to explain.. "it makes uni more interesting! motivates me to come to class!"

"do u actually listen in class then?"

"not really, but i am there! that's what matters!"

right....

today i chance upon a blog, while procrastinating, of a guy whining about the fashion taste of people in NUS as well as that there are not good looking girls in the engineering faculty. excuse me abit, but uh, that's not the point of going to uni.

besides, when ur in uni, with the amount of workload, i am not quite sure where the time comes when u can actually go out and do proper shopping so that u will always look insync with fashion or look great without getting boring.

most days, when i wake up, i am just in a hurry to get to class and wear something that's appropriate and get the fuck out. i don't bother to check "oh my hair is out of place" or "a pink earring would do nice"... i didnt even bother to pack nice clothes from singapore to wear here. because by mid year i be mostly beneath coats anyways.

to be honest, ask yourself as a uni student, are u more interested in reaching the class on time and have ur normal classes, or be on time, immaculately dressed to the nines, but not be noticed anyways?

yer. what u wear to class doesnt make a hell of a difference in a lecture hall of 300. ur just one of the birdies there. what would make a difference is u walk up to a girl and tell her she's hot. she would 1) slap you, 2) yell pervert, 3) ignores you 4) gets real scared or 5)thinks ur retarded.

in that one in a gazillion chance, the cream of the intelligent crop of the people in singapore decides to gush all over u and go "oh really? oh, you look good too!! shall we date?", you should make ur self a grave, hop into it and die.

yer really. coz u know why? she was just being sarcastic and u hoped too much. therefore ur hopeless and should just go to hell.

oops... assignment and lunch time!!!!



the great thing about procrastinating is that u had look at everything else but what ur suppose to do. u sit there, thinking about the past, staring at everyone studying and wondering why u don't have that motivation then slowly build up that already tall stack of excuses.

then u start finding stuff to do so u had look JUST AS BUSY.. but obviously you aren't!

ok. so it's not u, just me. it's annoying though, when u have an assignment, and ur trying to finish it. it's always the last week or 2, and my head goes lalala.... and i had do anything but focus. and i be dragging my brain around going STOP!!!!!

so it was one of these times i talked to a tard. perhaps it's sad too that she is a friend of mine. i am fairly broke, it being the beginning of the month and dad is late on allowance again. and she needed some stuff from me, requiring me to either go to her physically, mail it to her somehow, or she comes get it from me or pay me the postage fees. after all, she wants it doesn't she? like i don't really need that damn book. but, er, i am broke, book is heavy, postage = $$$$ out of the window.

and she's like "man, can't u just send it to me? i mean it's just postage.. u can pay me to mail it back to urself later..." i mean wtf. what's wrong with you...

then she went on.."well since i couldn't get you earlier, i kinda went to your friend and asked if she could lend me hers until i get u to send me urs. i mean i still want to have my own book to hold. hers is so tacky, all outdated and stuff."
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wow. first up, let it be known, i don't like people who are my friends, who know my other friends, to borrow shit from each other BECAUSE, if anything goes wrong it is MY FAULT. because YOU don't know THEM and THEY don't know YOU. my friends are my friends, get your own. get to know them, beyond all this borrowing shit. get to know them personally, that they know they can TRUST you, rather than "if panda trusts her, she must be ok." no it's not ok, it's never ok if u don't know that person other than thru ME!

secondly, if you BORROWED something from someone who doesn't know you but out of the sheer kindness of their hearts, then fucking appreciate it. you can say all you want, that you do, but calling it tacky and outdated. man, you don't even have the book, who are you to judge...

thirdly, as with people with annoys me ingame, the same applies to real life. i am not here to be your bitch. you want something, come get it. you need it badly enough, gimme money to post it. the book was, after all, for your benefit. if u don't see the need to gimme money for it, then i don't see the need that u have for the book.

remember, i OWN the book, ur the borrower.

last but not least, if ur damn well better off than me, please don't stinge. i know how many branded shit u have in ur wardobe, in ur bag, on ur desk. this book, in singapore anyways, is definitely cheaper than how much i got it for. i don't get how u can spend thousands on bags and dresses, and books that will get u to earn thousands for those bags and stuff, isn't worth buying.

i mean, hey, u even had a bag in 3 different colours. ffs. go buy the damn book, u nut.

when i kindly pointed out that to her though, albeit in a nicer manner, she was like, "oh i only need it for another 3 weeks more, exams next week nia."

am i the only one to see what's wrong here? i mean, she survived the entire sem without the text, and for just this one week she needs a text, which if i had mailed back would have taken the exact same time she would have taken to start preparing for her exams.

how did she get through this semester?

so there i was sitting, just waiting for her to say "ok i am guna send u money..." when she said "actually hor, it's ok. i think i will just use her book, she don't need it anyways i think. are you sure u can't send it here? i mean postage only, sure u have money one right?"

"NO."

"eh, why sound so fierce, borrow book only, don't get all fussy about it."

omg. ur telling me!



5/02/2005

hrm. how shall i start?

i just popped by a site that was talking about a certain course i took ages ago, before i came uni, way back at the end of 2002. at that time, a friend approached me. infact, just let me start the story from abit before everything started at the course.

i was working as a full time tutor then, to little kids, not very sure what i wanted to do. i was rejected by the university back home, which astounded me because i was called down for some interview which my friend's brother was.... well he was under that program too and according to him, none of those interviewed for that program were ever rejected by uni before, so i guess i am the first.

in the mean time i didnt wana waste time. in singapore, certification meant everything. i was depressed, because i see everyone around me going to uni, preparing for uni and so on, and i have nothing. people would probably go, oh she wana go uni so she can get certification and blah blah. sadly, that's not the main reason lol. i just like studying, not matter how retarded it sounds to you. it's fun to me.

so, after various failures in my life, i was at this junction of it, trying to choose what to do next. i didn't feel good asking for an education overseas because i am not sure if my family can afford it, and i did feel it was my stupidity that resulted in this situation. i didn't feel ready for a working life, but then again i had been working since 11, and i was 20. 9 years is a very long time, and it felt like i had just been using studying as a past time, so now it's just time to get rid of it.

i was also with a fairly steady boyfriend at that time. i wasn't sure if i had marry him, but i felt obligated to because i am just not confident of getting boyfriends, what with my illness making me look bloated, and also it's just too much of a trouble to look for a new one, the RIGHT one. personally, i had always felt, u can have a soul mate out there, but u never know if the one ur holding on to is THE one if ur guna just up and go every now and then.

however, both of us are together, in some kind of misery. it's not about the routine that we kept following, just home, food, movies. he likes it simple, i dont really mind coz it meant i could study at his home or etc while i was still in school when i first met him then. it's just, whenever we talk, it's always about his glorious past, and how shit he is now. it's always "i can't" and i allowed it to stay that way too, coz i was like that too.

so one fine day, i was walking to a student's apartment to teach tuition as per normal, my good friend tim called me. this is one man i really looked up to. retired at about... 60? 55?, he was one of the first few pilots to fly a certain plane in singapore. i must admit, one of the biggest admiration of him that i had, was just the fact that he flies planes. he still does, and he teaches at the youth flying school or something (i think he's a principal or something, don't ask me coz i don't want to really point him out so much, he might want his privacy.).

and the fact that the planes he used to fly were fighter planes, planes of the air force... i am a sucker for it, i even applied for it, willing to give up uni if air force hires me.

sadly though, my eyesight is a failure, and i suck at maths so i guess i failed hehe...

anyways, he called and asked to spend some time talking to me about something. so i was like ok... what's it about? and he was like "just wondering, have u heard of.. motivation courses? like courses to change ur life?" that took my attention.

perhaps you guys think i am a sucker, a loser to go for such courses. but i like them. every time i walk out of them, i walk out happy, refreshed and all bumming to go. yes, i need people to remind me that some stuff are worth living for at times, and that there are more to life than results results and more results. but at times, i fail myself, for the sheer fact that i always like to look at things from the negative side and then let it drag me down rather than going "oh! maybe i can do that!"

up till that point though, all these courses were subsidised by schools that i was in, coz its something they insist everyone must go through. so when tim told me it's a thousand or something like that, i choked. i don't have a good habit of saving money, and i don't know if i want to spend a thousand on just that. then he sat me down at british club, with a nice luncheon he paid for and then proceed to tell me, he could see i need it, i could benefit from it. and he was going to pay for the basic for me.

at this point, i duno why i did what i did, i cried. i went home after signing up, and cried.

i guess it was an accumulation of things, i was depressed, i was about to enter a world of paper chase that i dont like, the endless rat race that i am not ready for, and i don't want to go in emotionally and meritocratically unready. i had alot of "bad past" that i wasnt ready to let go of, though i should have and i don't know why. i fear people, i fear interaction, i fear.. being vulnerable.

perhaps the most physically damning thing about all these feelings would be how i hold my bags when i am at meetings, at gatherings. i often use huge backpacks for reasons as such. i hold them tightly to my chest, like a pillow. and that's when i feel secure.. i feel safe and everything's ok.

when i first went for the basic course, needless to say that was troublesome. tim had to constantly wave me off using it. then we had bag rooms, since we aren't essentially allowed to have our bags and stuff with us. i felt so naked and awkward, lol, i put my hands beneath me, pretending to warm it up.

ever since the course, i have found out so many people labelling the course as a cult, as brainwashers, as various other bad things. to be honest? you choose what you want to feel. something that i learnt way before the course, was that when u hear stuff u know it's the truth, or links to a part of you you refused to acknowledge, to face, u run away and get all mad and upset.

that's what these courses are about, facing the real you, getting you over it and working on your good points for the greater good.

for me that's what happened. i wasn't sure how much of the truth i could bear, how much of the truth i could face. everyone wana be the victim, because it feels great. to have attention, sympathy and people holding u when u look like ur down and u can't handle anything, that's what i was wallowing in. the self pity i carried around with me, that was what it was about.

as the courses flew past me, from one part to the next. i never graduated from the leadership part of the course as i missed the final weekend. i was in australia, and when i got here, i just didn't want to leave, breaking my promises to my team mates. i am sorry that i broke my promise to them, but, to sound bitchy, i wasn't all that sorry because i could start living the life that the courses taught me. i wanted to be a somebody. and i was living it, starting the path towards it.

i never completed the goals i laid out either. there's no real why to it. i laid them out for lp 27, and i never did fully accomplish it. people started feeling like i didn't want to do them in the first place. at that time though, i dropped back into the flow for abit, and didn't feel it was possible. i did start out on them. i never completed it.

my goals?
1) to write a book
2) to lose weight
3) to send some stuff to aid the poor in burma.

of the 3, i would say the third one was the closest to completion. but as i was in australia, i never actually followed up as to what happened in burma where the stuff went. so as far as the plans go, it's not completed to me.

with regards to the first, i wrote about 20 pages or so, wrote an earlier one, destroyed it coz i didn't like it (writer's block as well u may call it) and then wrote the 20 paged one and stopped. i started losing confidence a little at that stage heh. i wanted to write something everyone would read, but it was growing epic in length and i am not sure anybody would want to read a non-tolkien written epic of that sort of detail and length.

losing weight. well. by the 3rd week of running, trying to lose weight efficiently, i didn't like it one bit. i didn't feel like it's me, like i want to lose weight for health reasons, but a large part of the reasons were more for superficial stuff. and i just thought, superficial isn't me. so i dropped it, admittedly without telling my team.

alot of the course, as you can see, is based on your own motivation. support, as far as i can gather, comes from your team emotionally supporting you most of all. at least that's how i want it to be for myself, because once i am done with the courses, i have mostly myself to count on. i can change my goals, i can lie, i can cheat, i can keep quiet about whatever i do, but motivation, as i learnt, comes from within myself.

for those who might have been on this course or is going through it, i am not spoiling it for u as to what we did, what we could have done, what i could have done. all these so far have been my own opinion on what was happening there. everyone has their own experiences, their own choices that will lead to different paths. this entire course is also based on confidentiality too, so i am keeping to that.

what happened from that course and how was it beneficial to me?

well. i am still scared of people, if u want to know. i am still scared of heights, but both are now for medical and normal reasons. i can't breathe in crowds for fucks sake! i mean why do people have to cling onto stinky sweaty bodies -.-. in the process of the course, i also chose to eliminate my fear of heights, and went sky diving. people might say bungee jumping would have been better coz u dangle up and down. personally, i feel that either one of them would have elicit a loud yelling hell no from me, which was good enough. i didn't even tell my parents, except until the day itself i told my dad, and he was (OMFG) ok with it and told me not to die.

mum was told a few days later and she freaked out. as i acquired a fair bit of a tan from the dive, she insisted i must have fried my brains and wanted to bring me to the hospital. -.- old wives tales. now i would still scream if u tell me to jump off the plane, i would still hesitate before a jump, BUT, i can proudly say i did it, and i would do it again and again and again, because i have LEARNT TO HANDLE MY FEARS. ah HAH! :P

my own experience though? when i jumped, i was covered by clouds. the instructor was radio-ing me to turn left, turn right, and so on. i felt was going in circles. i was scared. i could barely think, but i pushed myself to think, to perform what was in the instruction books (aka pick up ur parachute and hold on before it goes beyond ur reach...) and follow the radio commands. i was still scared. i was VERY scared lol. i was scared the chute will not hold on, that birds will chew my chute away... somehow...

but when i look. the scene took my breath away. granted malaysia isn't the prettiest of places, but the greens, the lakes, the mountains.. beyond ur fear, there's a beauty you don't know about, because you haven't tried.

2 weeks later, when i was given a certification, i was told " u know, in ur first jump (i had 2 jumps) we couldn't see you coz of the clouds, so really, u guided ur way down.. because u were so scared u didn't know ur right from left."

i wonder if i should have laughed or cried at that. -.-

as for my bf and me, he didn't like the "new" me as he calls it, which i recognise as the old me, before boyfriends, before depression. he didn't like the confident me, as he named it, and we argued more and more and more. he got even more insecure and hated the course for what it "did to me" so i couldn't get him to sign up even when i offered to pay for it.

eventually we parted ways, because he read my private emails and declared that i was cheating on him, when i was writing about me helping a friend thru a suicidal stage of his life. i was about to end it anyways, just didn't know how to because of the emotional attachments.

i did realise it was for the best though, because i had changed from the person he knows, or thought he knows, and he can't seem to accept this person.

to this date, i am always thankful of tim, i am still striving to accomplish my goals. i do get distracted every now and then, and i let it happen so i can have fun too along the way. i do make mistakes still, i am not like "uber" since the course, but i am more aware and i change stuff when i know i suck.

who am i?

i am me.

that is something to be proud of, i would say :D



this was something discussed at a dinner with friends a few nights ago. u know how u receive strange phone calls, retarded ones, or just bad telemarketing calls from companies. that was one session where we actually shared the strange tales of various script reading toons on the phone or just random calls from random people.

on my part though... i worked as a telemarkter before. the first part of the job interview was often from you calling them and they do various screenings then. after that u undergo trainings based on the job ur in. some jobs just need u to know the legalities behind the calls and the scripts. others needs you to have a wider knowledge than that. i was in the insurance line then, so i had to take general insurance knowledge kind of exams before i am qualified to sell insurance, much less over the phone.

but thats not the point of this post.

as you know, sometimes, the telemarketers sound bored, tired, repetitive or just in general fake, or having a bad day.

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the discussion that i had with my friends brought back many memories of telemarketing calls back in singapore, with me on both ends of the phone.

firstly with me as a consumer, i still remember times when i wasn't even of age to apply for my own banking account or something. i was only 11. i had companies calling up, calling for me by my name and asking if i was interested in their holiday clubs, golf clubs and so on. and i was like, "do you realised i am only 11? i just started working, earning about 900 a month during the holidays, you sure u want me as a member?" that often resulted in instant.. hangups.

one phone call got weird. this guy called up trying to sell some products over the phone, which i never could remember later on what it was. but we ended up talking about life, school, tuition, ambitions. it was hilarious. for 20 whole minutes we were utter strangers just gabbing at each other over the phone, the time being paid by his company o.o

subconsciously, because i knew how it was like being a sales person, i knew they dont have a good time. perhaps out of 10 calls only like 2 make it as proper sales. but i never really thought much about it till i became, horror of horrors, a telemarketer.

it wasn't commission based, thank god, or i would have gone broke from just travelling to work. but rewards were obviously biased towards the highest sales, nevermind quality sales (not that i am confident of quality sales anyways...). the company was great in my opinion in the sense that come traditional big holidays, they give us extra bonuses, even "red packets" for chinese new year, vouchers for christmas shopping, etc. we even have xmas luncheons. for a long time, we were a tight bunch. but of course, cliques do happen and stuff fell apart.

anyways. everyweek, at the most, i had make 2 sales. yes, you heard right, TWO pathetic sales. i do try and make sales everyday. but half the calls i get are often, not available, busy, no longer this number etc. we were tied in with a bank, and their data were so badly upkeep-ed that sometimes it's embarassing to make a call.

one of the most memorable one that shocked me to death was this particular client. i called. his wife picked up.

w: who's this looking for him?
me: oh i am calling from xxx bank, because he holds our credit card (we were told to fake it from the bank since technically speaking records are meant to be private and confidential) we have a special offer we thought of letting him know...
w: erm. well. i don't know if u guys realised. my husband has been dead of cancer for 4 years by now.

needless to say, after profuse apologies and so on, i ended that call, furious that i might have hurt someone without intending to.

and then there are the funny ones, or who thinks they are funny. after going thru my script, they had let me finish... then pause.. then goes "u know... uhm, i'm sorry i was in the traffic, can you repeat what u said?" and that was a 2 page reading i had just done. and they dont do it once, they do it 3 times. by the 3rd repetition or so, i had be so miffed i would be like, "uh it's ok ma'am/sir, i would call you back when ur free" and list the number as uncontactable.

when u have a multiracial community like singapore though, you're bound to have colleagues who can't pronounce names for nuts, or just names that's beyond any comprehension. one particular colleague i remember, called Thai (not he's not from thailand, but its just the way his name was spelt) always have a string of mispronounced names. the only saving grace he had in the company was since he was so comical and "innocent" while making all these mistakes, people just love him, especially the higher ups.

for example, we had a client with a name similar to zhao khai zheng or something like that. infact, it's probably quite far from the obscene words, or offensive words he read it out as. somehow though... he called up the customer..

thai: hi, may i speak to mr chao kar cheng (smelly arse) please?
mr zhao (who is obviously using his own mobile phone since thai called the mobile): wtf? who's this? you think it's funny? blah blah blah~

mispronouncing the name can really fuck things up especially if the guy calls back and realises thai called from xxx bank. it's pretty unproffessional and really misrepresents the bank heaps. really offended people might start taking business away.

i mean thai really tries. he would ask people how to pronounce if he really thinks he cant. but sometimes his intelligence and confidence gets the better of him. one time, a very simple name, he just went overboard for another customer, who was female this time. the name was something ooi ooi.

thai: good morning, may i speak to miss oink oink pls?

miss ooi: wtf... (slam)

yer. that didn't go quite too well.

but what amuses us, although upsetting at times, were how some of the people's friends, spouses, family just went on talking to us. a few of them had continue talking to us despite them being... unqualified for the offers.

me: (start script on insurance)
them:oh thats interesting blah blah blah...

10 mins later:
them: so how can i sign up? must i be a cardholder?
me: yes but it would be good if ur husband/wife/son/dad etc did the signing up first and he can cover you too!
them: oh but he passed away 6 mths ago...

....

the first case of passing ages ago, i felt miffed. this one just baffles me. i called u regarding so and so, and instead of correcting me on the spot, you only decide to tell me after 10mins that they have passed away? wth?

and then there are the wrong number calls i get.

i dont usually have caller id on any of my phones. back in singapore once, i received a really weird phone call 3 times in a row asking for the same person. by the third time, i got kinda pissed. i told him straight "look there's no sam here, i have told you that 3 times. why don't you ask your friend again when you next see him?"

that guy "that's abit hard, i have only met him once in <> and i only managed to get his number thru a friend coz i was interested in him"

me:" unless ur suggesting my dad is gh3y, there are only 3 other people here in this house and they are all female. please go find his number again or something and stop jamming up my phone line, i need to use the net (was on 56k then)"

him:"you sure there's no sam around ur house?"

me:" er... this is my family home?"

him" oh come on, please? i really like him?"

me:"er.. would u prefer a police officer called sam?"

in the next couple of weeks i had still get random calls from him, even my dad got mad and stared yelling at him. being a traditional chinese though, he was abit of a homophobic as well as ah... well just rude about them. and he made that pretty well heard that night.

a few weeks ago, i got a similar random call. i picked up the phone, and this guy was like "may i speak to so and so please?" and obviously i had no such person here and was ready to put down the phone. then he went on with a dejected voice..

"there's no such person isn't it?"

"uh huh"

"aww man, that's so bad. i am calling from new zealand you see, the phone bills is so expensive, especially for international calls. i can't believe i called the wrong number. i mean wow, of all chances..... yada yada yada..."

wow. look at it. u know its expensive but you just fucken talked for so long? wouldn't that cost more money? weirdo.

honestly though, the people i get to meet everyday, are sure weird.



5/01/2005

you know, i posted about "adopt a kid" like a few days back... well... i found something interesting. you can adopt a monkey too. from the bare facts that i could grasp from various news articles and from their own website as well, the monkeys were rescued from being used as lab experiments.. and are to be released back slowly into the rainforest that they come from, with some help from the people who fought for their release.

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but the costs of all these cannot be supported by them alone, since they are kinda a charity, so they need help financially with the costs. they have calculated up to 24 pounds a year from various people could help them with the finances (it costs them about 55pounds a month?)

have a look and if u are able to, do try and contribute. animals need some loving too... these cuties need some loving too....Image Hosted by ImageShack.us



someone suggested to me that i should start a tardblog based on the people i see everyday, for the simple pure fact that i meet at least one retarded soul every single day of my life. be it in game or otherwise, i can't seem to escape them.

the sad part is, some of them are my friends, though others are pure strangers (i don't know what to make of it... be happy?), and most of these retarded people also happens to be the very same few people who gives me this "holier than thou" attitude.

i will give u a faint idea what happens in game, for example, just today. now most people who play games normally would have a fair idea that mages USES magic to fend off monsters, evil, the opposition. or at least they attempt to. few people would use their magic books or staffs to bat monsters to death, if they have the ability to cast spells on them.

put it this way. magic uses up mana, something not related to your health bar. if u can magic the monster to death quickly, without touching your health bar so that you're not in anyway near danger, would you? i would. most of the time, in most games i know anyways, magic damages more than weapons hitting at mob would, especially when it's mage weapons vs mobs.

now armour wise, most mages wear ROBES. cloth stuff. not metal, not even chains, but ROBES. u wouldn't want to be hit in those because u have barely any defense with robes. it's like me poking u with a knife while ur wearing t shirt, vs me using that same knife if ur using a metal plate as a shirt.

today, this dude walked up to my character just before i decided to have a short break, asking for help. to cut the long story short, i decided to help him in his quest that he needed to do to change his profession in game. he said he was too weak to kill the aggro mobs. i was like, ok fine... although i see him in top non-grade stuff for mages, meaning that mobs around his level or less should be killed within 3-4 shots at the most with magic.

so i toddled along, killing any aggro mobs i see, with my kitten or my own magic (i was on my summoner then) when i turned around and saw his health dropping. so i was like, wtf!?!? he had attacked something. i didnt say anything much though, coz he could be a complete newbie to the game, and thought that was aggro. altho, something strange i couldn't get out of my head.. he was batting the mob to death... but i casted the last shot.. so it didnt bother me.

so came the part of the quest where he had to do it himself. if i touch his mobs, he won't get the quest item. firstly, he used a lvl 15 version of wind magic on it. brough it about 1/3 health down... and batted it from 2/3 health all the way down. in my panic, i didnt bother healing him. i kept typing it out "dude, use magic, use magic to kill" and he just conveniently ignored me, saying "my friend says the mob is somewhere here".

finally i got mad. he kept hitting the line where he's about to die, and i wasn't about to spam spirit shots trying to heal him with my crappy heals.

he didnt even noticed when i said good bye. or that the mob he was hitting were the right mobs.

a few months ago, i was helping someone lvl in a newbie area too, when i met someone similar to that, whom i shall name Stupidman. this guy, is even more hilarious than the last. he was geared in top non-grade too...

first thing he did was run out, tried to whack a mob to death and DIED. came out, repeat. by the third time, i was fairly.. not amused. so i asked, "are you new to the game? do u need help?" and he went "oh no, i know this game very well thank you. i just need to kill these things"

i was like, er.... so i stopped again and asked "but you're a mage (they look different), so why are u batting them to death instead of using windstrike.."

him" oh coz i deal more damage that way.."

trying to offer him anymore advise later resulted in an argument from him, then he went "look i know what i am doing ok? go read up on this game and tell me more."

me:"er hi, ur the one who just died 16 times in a row now, while i am still here, and perhaps in ur last 16 deaths lvlled twice too."

he moved to the other side of the island and promptly put me on ignore.

tell me. how does people who chooses to be mages ALSO choose NOT to use magic to kill!?!?!

it makes me cry.

anyways, back to real life, on friday i went to check on my laptop because i got fedup. for people who have been reading from the start, you know how i sent in my laptop for repairs more than a month ago, possibly even 2... the last time i talked to him, he said the parts were arriving the next monday that i was talking to him from, and that everything should be fixed by then. he would call me to pick it up.

well. no calls so far, so i got annoyed and thought maybe they had forgotten but fixed it.

but when i arrived at the shop. not only had they forgotten who i am, or my laptop, they had also NOT fixed it. and then he said "oh.. the company i called, they didn't call me back. i was so frustrated. so anyways after 3 weeks i changed companies, they are supposed to arrive next week."

they expected me to believe that after all this time, and leave my laptop in their care. so i asked him, "look. i left it in your care for more than a month now. from your wife who keeps saying you guys were too busy, but the parts are arriving next week, to you too who said all that. but no one, NO ONE, bother telling me anything. a simple call to say if its done or not. how do you expect me to trust you?"

and he had this slightly abashed look (thank god), and said "oh you know, it was holidays, we were busy taking the kids out and so on, i had no time..."

"you do realise that holidays were just the last 2 weeks right? my laptop has been here for ages..."

he muttered something about understanding me and so on, but i guess at this point, it's really hard to trust that they had do anything about it. so yer, my laptop is home, it isn't fixed, it's not spoilt like hell, but i just wana know if everything's ok. so since they are sssoooo unreliable, they can go fuck themselves.

sigh.

stupid companies preying on us poor students :(

why... do i meet fucktards every single day?








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