blue crush

yj... u know, whenever i watch blue crush (i dl-ed it, and still repeatedly watch it sometimes..) i tend to think of the day you, zita and me went to watch it? just a few days before departure, and also, yay, free from work lol..

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a few days ago, i walked past sanity, this dvd/cd shop here, and i saw the dvd on sale. i couldn't remember anymore when i first watched it with you guys, but i would never forget what zita said after the screening..

"wah lau, now i feel sea sick... eh let's go learn surfing!!"

lmao!! all that water!!!!

but i also remember talking with yj in those days. she was a little upset with me leaving. well not upset. she had just kinda lost the "feel" with a friend who kinda just drifted apart, mostly coz of her changing due to different environment, different friends and so on.

i know i have changed, for better, for worse, i don't know, and i don't want to judge myself on that. i have learnt to be easier with life, it's not always about the results but everything else around you too.

i have learnt that people die sometimes, though letting go is hard, it's better to let go than hold on to ur grief and wallow in it.

i have learnt i want many things, that i may not have, that may not be as important as the people around me, my friends most of all.

i have also learnt to "fuck cares" and just be myself. u know, i used to be petrified, i am scared of people because i don't know how they will react to me. if i am as vulgar to them as i really am, would they mind? wud they disown me as friends?

if they really know that i laugh so much for the stupidest reasons, and even if those stuff aren't meant to be funny, would they still want to be associated with me?

i had my own insecurities then. and though i know deep down if my friends don't stick it with me coz of me, then they aren't really worth it, i didn't want to lose them anyways because everyone of them of them were precious to me. i didn't feel wanted at home, nor loved, nor all perfect. and friends are the closest thing to a family that i ever could have while growing up.

yj was also the one to intro me to online diaries and such. i can't remember what lead to it, but eventually, one fine day, i started a diary in mydeardiary, coz she told me about it.

reading yj's blog all the way back in 2003 was nostalgic o.o hehe. it lead me to try and look at my own blog back then, on mdd. and i realised that man, i blogged since 2001. but back then, between 2001 and the time i stopped in 2003, and moved to blogger, i did a total of 20 posts.

mostly fairly emotional ones too :o as i said, i used to only post when i was feeling very emotional about something. i don't post what i do daily, what i think, what i laugh about. mostly because, i feel this as an emotional outlet. also, deep down, i also know that the net is a very public place to air ur views. i don't know if it would be ok, to be myself on the net. to be whatever i want to be, and give the finger to those who don't like it.

occasionally, and pretty much from out of nowhere, someone would randomly post a comment saying that this and that is awesome, and i felt shyly elated, if u know what i mean. and felt more encouraged to write.

but i was still uncomfortable with posting online anyways. most of the time back then, i was also posting from the home of my ex bf who had better net than me at that stage and of course, we were glued at the hip coz he wanted to meet me as much as possible. so i felt weird having someone trying to read from behind me. he wud just stand there and read or pretend to walk past.

so yer. no privacy hehe.

to end this thing though, i just thought to let u guys know, i still love u all. i do change, doesn't mean i dont remember u or the times we had, the tears we she between us and everything else.

most of all, u guys made a huge impact on my life, having a hand in making who i am today. thanks :D

YOU BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, i thought i had post something up that was from my original blog, a poem written way back in march 2002, while waiting for my a lvl results.

Changes in The Wind

i heard them..
it was not the usual talk.
it was not about Others.

it was about me.
about us.

i feel the wind of sorrow,
i felt it caressing my face
with its icy fingers,
weaving rain upon my face.

i see the seas churning
it blurred my vision of happines,
the night grew older,
as i grew colder.

do i have to lie in blood for
you to see?

do i have to cry,
for you to know?

do i have to look you in the eye,
for you to feel what i feel?

the grieving winds heard my cry
they came upon me,
billows upon billows,
encircling me in comfort,
struggling to ensure i dont fall.

the rain felt my pain...
they howl in grief
as i would in my heart.

no one heard my cries that night
no one did,
no one ever would..
as i lost you forever into the world.

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