my confessions

have u a secret so deep, so dark, u can't tell anyone but urself?

have u a secret where if u told someone, u know someone be aghasted... be disgusted at you, this somebody that they thought they knew?

here's my little dark secret, for you:

i got my idea from postsecret, this intriguing new blog i discovered (ok so its not very new but whatever.) where there were some funny secrets, but some truly macabre ones, and others, truly painful ones.

everyone of us have our own secrets, some good, some bad, others downright funny, and furthermore that are painful beyond belief.

to be honest, that secret of mine, was a derivation of my attention seeking needs. my sister was a newborn then (she's now 16) and i was about 8 or 9 or something. she had so much attention from my parents who were newly... freed from work. my mum's job had lightened far much by then, as her business had started failing.

my dad was also working less since working conditions improved and he was promoted too. so with the new addition to the family, everyone's attention was on the baby.

aunts had fly in, ride in just to see her and gossip and so on, catch up with mum and etc.

as a kid, i didn't understand all these, nor the needs of a baby. all i could feel was that i was unloved, unwanted. obviously mum didn't make it easier for me telling me stuff like she wished i was as good a baby as my sis was, and that if she had a choice, she would have pinched me to death as a baby.

8 years old can't understand such cruelty so obviously to me back then, my new sister was taking the attention my parents had on me to herself.

besides, i asked for an elder sister, not a younger one.

so my "order" was all wrong. and i decided to correct it of my own accord.

taking a pair of scissors from mum's work room, those large industrial ones since mum was a seamstress of sorts, i headed slowly towards my sister, going off in my head that i was sorry, but she was all wrong and thus she had to go.

but in my head, i lost my balls. i couldn't figure out a way to tell God why i did that, nor why a poor innocent had to die for my parents' mistakes.

eventually, as she giggled at me, i lost my will and just sobbed there with my pair of scissors in hand.

sad aye?

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