ok~ i got the weirdest email in my uni email account. this person emailed me asking to support MY president bush, to elect MY judge or some thing along that line. problem is I AM NOT AN AMERICAN.. not the slightest bit. and i am staying in AUSTRALIA for now. how the hell did that email came about? so random.... i mean of all things, if this was really an official email asking stuff, check out the end tag, it says "anu.edu.au" notice the AU part. if it isn't and just some random "spam in the box so we alert the rest of the world to our selling webby" well again, notice the au part, half of the world doesnt stay in america, infact, probably like 80% of the world doesnt stay there. more than 90% of these offers are to american residents only. so, stop wasting yours and my time.

anyways, so i was reading this article in time magazine while i was eating my faithful little breakfast that, ahem, someone claimed looked like a french toast disaster. sorry, it wasnt meant to be french toast =X. anyways. the article was about the scientific differences between man and woman, what the found, what more can be found and so on. then there were the personal experiences section, where a woman was kind of "not wanted" on various civil engineering projects, even in back in her uni days, because of the fact that she is a WOMAN. right, the year is 2005, even in 1990, i think its fairly still what we had call, MODERN. precisely what most of the world had like to think we are actually in.

considering how everyone wants to view this world as modern, it is also funny how they view woman as still another species, another group of people who can't do certain things, won't do certain things, the list goes on, i don't have to list it all here and waste my time typing it all out. what's with a woman that a man doesn't like anyways? they "can't" be engineers, they can't be in anything dangerous. i believe at some point in life, our mentality actually hit a similarity towards certain issues, for example "I WANNA FARKEN KILL MY NEIGHBOUR!!!" yer that's right, we swear, we wana reach out and hit someone across the head with something sharp because they had done something stupid.

just because most of us are severely emotional, doesn't mean we can't do things the mean way either. i mean, how do you know those tears weren't meant to be part of the plan. let's face it girls, we all shed our tears at some point in our life, because we needed something thats not to do with someone dying, someone breaking up with us, or anything towards that line, isn't it?

and of course there are several other things. let it be known, that women can be more cruel than men, more ruthless, more heartless so don't be a tool and turn down a person for any job just because of their gender. you might be at the losing end more so than the other party.

oh. and tonight i had another cooking disaster. it wasn't really all that bad though, i just thought that the bottle i had had a squeezing effect that i was used to, and then almost threw the entire bottle's content of soya sauce right into the chicken stock that i was using for my chicken noodle soup. naturally it turned out awfully salty for a normal person. keyword: normal. for people like me though, it was still tolerable. therefore, it was a great meal :D it doesn't look like it, for sure, but it was a great meal :o

reading through some other blogs though, i have realised how much the blogging world have evolved since i first had my very very first blog (to which i have lost the password, and also have forgotten which of the numerous email addresses i used back then actually held the email to that account. it was a fairly emotional ride though to see that retarded blog but i think i have to find some way to remove it for it is very disturbing to me :O not disturbing to see the past or the emotions, but to see it under in such a fashion, knowing that i have written it and couldnt do anything about it.). i see huge communities of students blogging, designing their blogs at like 13-15 years old, some fair talents too if u think about how they scripted up the entire layouts and so on. albeit, some could do better work. i really can't complain though. last i played with html was seriously back in 1999-2000, and then all reasons for it to be used as a skill stopped.

ultimately though, hrm, i dont want this site to look like a fan site -.-

a couple of blogs i looked at today deserve some mentioning. www.tard-blog.com was one of the first pointed out to me. i had a look at both the posts, at the love mails and then at the hate mails. it's being written by teachers who teach at a special ed school kind of "teasing" their aides. if truth be told, it's more of a rant than of a teasing, who ever said being a teacher is easy?

i maybe a student who complaints about being a student, but i did some private teaching in my own time too previously. it is nothing compared to teaching infront of a class, and certainly nothing compared to teaching to special needs children. but, have you ever watched the show by bill cosby, kids say the darnest thing!? to each teacher, every kid is the same yet different in their needs. so it doesnt matter if it was a special ed teacher or a normal teacher, u will find both ranting about similar things and laughing about similar things in their own private space. thats how teachers' treat students and vice versa (don't tell me u haven't ever called one of ur teachers a whore/bitch before, you're a liar.) it's because we treat them as HUMAN, like how we bitch about our friends, our neighbours, our classmates, the list goes on.

to be honest, i LOVE that blog lol! it was funny because i can relate to some issues with my own tuition kids and their parents. it is not only the special ed kids that have retarded parents, but normal kids too. i have one who insists that i was an idiot, and that her kid was a genius just that he cant seem to perform well on tests, in school, in a class, and certainly not in a 1 hour tuition class. therefore i was fired, and by a stroke of luck, my friend was hired. the same occurred. it's been almost 4 years now i believe since i last saw that kid. he's now in some sort of technical school with a friend of mine's brother apparently. and he's still under performing.

sometimes i actually sit back and think about him and wonder why and what's wrong with him. it could be he's not interested in whatever he's learning. but with the tight curriculum in the world, in singapore as well, it is going to be hard to find what he wants early on. by the time he hits his teens, it's pretty much a lost case if he hasn't found interest and if he doesn't care to, especially with parents who preferred to stay thinking he's a genius especially in the fields THEY CHOSE for him.

and then there was this autistic kid whom i had the chance to teach for a while. he was violent, spoilt by his parents and fairly a hazard to be around with, especially when he's with himself. he had stick his fingers in live electric sockets, and who would yell, "fuck you, bitch!" if u tried to help him remove his fingers so he wont get eletrocuted. honestly, i wish i could have electrocuted him a few times just to teach him the danger of it, but then that might have killed him.

his anti social behaviour though, might have been a by product of his parents' behaviour towards him more than his autism. he was their only son because they wanted to make sure he's capable before bringing another child to earth. their lovingness though has no bounds. that was something that i both admire and detest. he had walk into a clinic and see a car track that he wants, those toys thingy, and he had insist they buy it. and they had. at 12 midnight he had suddenly awaken and insist on a pizza, daddy had go out and buy it. and if its the wrong one he had threw it in his face, coz he wants a pizza hut pizza. so daddy had to trick him by putting saving pizza hut boxes in case of such nights.

he had punch his mother in the pelvic region, calling her a fucking vagina and laugh at the pain he caused, and when i had pull him one side and tell him nicely that it wasn't a nice thing to do, he had say she looks funny and to stop bothering him. although i havent had much training with autistic kids (or if any at all), i do know they have a tendency to live in their own worlds. this was more of a case of a spoilt brat than anything else.

after a few weeks though, he finally responded to my teaching some what, managed to read beyond a few words. and learnt them too. now THAT is exhilarating. the demands of teaching that one child though was too much for the pittance i was earning. stressed with finding interesting things to capture and hold his attention for the full 1 hr, by the end of the 2nd semester i decided it should be the last time i am teaching him. so after his exams, i left.

sigh. those were the days.

aight. i started the morning trying to make breakfast for myself. kind of. this in turn resulted me in finally cleaning the pile of dirty dishes that had not been cleaned for the last 4 days or so. no, there wasnt any icky stuff really, just stuff that needs lotsa rinsing.

anyways, let this be a lesson to u that recipes are to be followed, or at least read. no one should attempt cooking base on pictures >.<

my botched attempt at cooking ah... nevermind..:

the one underneath is the botched attempt, the one on top was a better version of the botched attempt, more coz i decided not to attempt it till i figured out how what i saw was really cooked, hehe, so it was similar in that eggs, mozarella cheese, bread, salt and pepper were involved, but it was scrambled eggs this time, not an attempt to force the bread to be a sunny side looking thing.

it was still botched though, coz i forgot salt and pepper till the last minute. however it looks though, they were still excellent tasting... cheese, eggs... mmm. and a couple of vege fingers to finish off a healthy looking meal (i dont think it really is but then again :o) and a pineapple fruit punch thing.

so here's the final thing, minus the fruit punch...



and i had a time magazine to read thru all that too :o it actually tasted like sausage mcmuffin with eggs, cept as u can see, which i just realised too, i forgot my turkey ham >:( oh wells there's always tomorrow :o

ok, i was trying to sleep, then i realised i been trying to post my kinda food that i cook ever since i figured how to use imageshack, and never got round to taking picts of them for u guys. and then i remembered i took pict of my half eaten fish burger just now so i could post. and i decided i cant sleep until i post it coz it looks great.

so there u go, random pict of the day = my food :o

it has been terribly cold the last few days or so. probably since thursday. my fingers and toes are like frozen clumps somehow still attached to the body. when the cold first settled in, linxy thought that the air-conditioning was on, thus the cold or something. however, that was not the case, my windows was wide open, resulting in the "air conditioning" temperature that seems beyond linxy. as usual, Canberra has decided to skip autumn or the normal cooling down of summer, to jump straight into winter, i hope. for the erratic weather might just make me very sick again.

in the past few hours, i been looking for news, articles, events that might be related to or on the genocide in sudan, frank abagnale jr's adventures as well as a few other not so notable articles. there were a few sites that caught my eyes, and definitely a few articles which i deem as fairly moving writings and lessons for all of us. These "journeys" as i shall call it, are ones that few will actually come to pass, unless you chose that path or unless the vocations of your choice suddenly decide that you should venture on them. there are many other ways to stumble onto such journeys of course, but then again, such luck are few and far between, for who would like to suffer, watch suffering or be a part of it?

a few years ago, in 1999, i volunteered and was chosen to go on a volunteer trip to Myanmar, or Burma, for whoever thinks that this or that name is unsuitable. it was an eye opening trip, but more because i actually learned from it than gave, in my opinion. before the trip, i was fairly much a pompous idiot. well not really, but close. because i belive i couldn't possibly learn from these people i am about to give my time to, other than to see their way of life and probably snob at it, for i know a little about their showering habits, which my grandparents back then still live with. which meant, of course, that i experimented with such showering habits.

but honestly, i wasn't prepared for what i was about to see. or learn.

the group of people were divided into 2. we were going there to "build a school", and various other stuff that i honestly forgot. it was meant to be out in the village. we all paid for the flights and whatever other expenses that might be incurred, including food and so on. we were to live in tents near the village so we dont have to impose on them, and the story goes on.

however, within the first week of the first group (i was in the 2nd group) they experienced some problems with the government. to go to the villages to do any form of work, or even as a visit far as i understood, we needed a pass, a visa, by the permission of the local military government. though we were supposedly promised/given a pass (it was too long ago, bear with me while i try and get through the details), the government revoked it/didn't wana give it to us. so for the first week or so, the first group couldnt go anywhere, coz they were not allowed to, couldn't do anything and eventually, out of boredom and a want to do something for the locals, the fixed the local temple for them.

when permission was finally granted, it was not for the location we seeked. but rather in a small town on the outskirts of Yangon. there they started building a local community center for the people who stayed there. it was to be used partially as a school in the day and a community center at night. the first group consulted a local architect, mason and so on, and for the next 4-6 weeks that both groups stayed, it was pretty much the same people we consulted. they also helped us in the building, because, due to the government being terribly bitchy towards us, the 2nd lot of us got stranded in the house for a few hours of the first day too. then we were told to vacate, stay in the local ymca yangon and basically keep as little contact with the locals as possible.

so, what did i learn? on the physical note of it, i actually learnt how to play with cement, create concrete and stuff with some basic notes on how to do it, the right mix, putting up walls with very very old techniques of using the string and this thing to keep the string straight so that my poor wall will not curve and hollow out and then collapse in the near future.

i learnt a little bit of burmese. not alot mind u, and mostly forgotten now from the lack of use, but while it lasted, it was a joy to try and talk to the burmese people and trying to understand it when they rattle back at u, faster, more efficient, and definitely better, thus my lack of comprehending it at times.

but on the emotional side, it was a far more bigger journey that i took. these people had close to nothing, living on an edge of poverty. they live in houses on stilts, barely safe, rackety and smelly. their toilets are outside of the house, with this thin bamboo pole that u run on to reach the toilet, which is really a hole between the planks and a basket far below to collect the daily human excretion. and yet these people offered us their homes, their food, to come in and visit, rest, eat, shower even if we have to. and the joy they took to provide what little they have. they shared with us things that were unique to them, like their cosmetics (this bark thing that they grind and used as paste that's supposedly good for the skin). and these people had nothing, and still they give, they smile, they laugh.

we in all our technological glory, our concrete jungles, can barely manifest a twinkle in our eyes in our normal lucky days, and they in all the poverty that they live in, has so much more that they find joy in. how beautiful is that? with what little they have, they give and give, and yet we with all our riches, couldn't even give our time to our families.

this article that i picked from bbc also show from another closer angle, from the words of a nurse working in sudan under an aid agency, just before she left.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4007353.stm

i wanted to quote from her but, all of it was just too beautiful, so go have a look yourself.

another one you guys should look at is the news on what is happening with U.N, the U.S and the "conclusions" if u can call it that, also from BBC. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4227835.stm i am not sure about how u guys feel about this article, so i will reserve my comments atm, other to say that, there seems something so wrong with their "arguments."

on another note, there's this new interesting website that i stumbled upon while looking for the real life story of frank abagnale jr, the person that leonardo di caprio was acting out as in "catch me if you can." http://www.crimelibrary.com/ you can view it there. why did i go hunting for the true story behind the movie anyways? well, for one i am sure no one can document an entire say... 5 - 6 years into a 2 hours movie. for another, it astounded me how people could be fooled for 5 - 6 years, and unable to find this person for as long as that. his story is in there, i believe it's under hoax and scams. regardless, it is a great story in it's right, real life, yet a story still. how, you can not judge a person by his looks and mannerisms, for all these can be imitated.

long post this is hrhr... well, i am done for now :D ty for reading :P

i was trying to blog this entire day. however, one thing lead to the next, and it has been quite an eventful, albeit probably boring day for the most of u, since i barely ventured out except to get dinner. but it was a good day nonetheless, filled with something other than games for once, and other than books.

for the more obeservant souls out there, and for the really blind ones, yes i have changed my blog drastically. taken from blogskins.com, with the designer being credited to your right, but definitely the picture is taken by someone familiar to ayumi fans, i was still experimenting with blog skins and so on, and stumbled upon hers. needless to say, pink, ayumi, more pink... nothing more that i really want. a few more experiments on turtlepowah.blogspot.com, which is my test blog, i figured out how to put this out. BUT... firstly, she lacked the links to archives, history, whatever, secondly, my comments disappeared. but i guess i understood that, since most of her friends uses something called a tag board... which i shall desist from using. not coz it's not great, but -.-" it looks damn messy.

there were a couple of other stuff too, so remembering deeply that i havent touch html or anything related for about 2-4 years, this was something i can barely take on to change. but i had to have my archives back at least, then worry about comments at a later stage or something. starting a test blog to find out what was wrong, i managed to put everything back except comments. jake came on and HEROICALLY solved the rest, which he said was T_T some terrible layering stuff (i have no idea what he is talking about, really :o) but for someone who's still around 7th-8th grade, this isnt such a bad html practise, so i wont comment too much, other than her various works for her friends T_T they are all so small, though, nice. but for someone like me who likes to type out titanic length blogs, it is never going to work out.

so for this new lay out and songs and so on, props to rachelle, whoever she is, and my dearrrrrr jake :D :D

mean while, i been trying to clear my room and so on, and wasn't really successful at it because i get so distracted by the stuff i own. eventually...i managed to start tidying up my bed. it wouldnt have been anything eventful except... I GOT FARKEN LOST IN MY SHEETS -.- i pulled my blanket out of the cover because it was getting so lopsided from all my rolling around. then.. because the cover was so huge, the other reason why it was getting lopsided... i had to go in and adjust the blankie and so on. next thing i know, i lost my sense of direction and had seriously NO idea where i came in from... i was almost guna start wailing for linx to help when i saw a patch of light... and crawled towards it. end of ordeal.. phew!

and, being a sunday, it was time to treat myself to something special again! i believe to live life to the fullest, to be able to love someone else, to give whole heartedly, u gotta damn love urself first, and look after yourself. so saying, i been treating myself every sunday of the year, or whenever i feel like it. but sundays are... a must! todays treat was a strawberry bath... and i just lounge in there for 2 hrs, till my skin almost wanted to give way :P and i was reading my text, getting it wet... sleeping... all nice and warm and stuff. then i walked out, smelling of flowers, strawberries and vanilla, a grand mixture of airfreshener, shampoo and of coz, the bath suds. dont everyone wana smell sooo good eh?

anyways, the cleaning up of the bed was mainly for the photoshoot :o

can u spot the newbies on my bed? :D they are sooo cutieeee :D :D

aside from that, i got fairly annoyed at our balcony, coz i could only see half the view out there since the silly blinds kinda broke. i got annoyed enough to use the broken strings and tie them up to the top. so now, it looks like this



if u dont like it, too bad, i happen to love it. sorry about the dirty pooh bath mat tho, i decided its high time i air it... considering all the candle wax i been dropping on it, the amount of bath suds that its got on it, it deserve a little of the happy sun that we all have come to take for granted.

for people who are used to big pictures or who liked my huge pictures posted before, with the present layout i am afraid i can't accomdate ur pleasure, so if u still like huge pictures or just want a clearer view, click on the thumbs, i am sure image shack wudn't mind so bad.

now for the others that i have been talking to, or who have been reading my blog, the poor girl who's boyfriend broke up with her just before he proposed? remember her? her blog no longer exists. as in the site itself. now i have heard a couple of comparisons since i told some friends, that perhaps like me she has moved on, and that she just wanted to delete all her posts the easier way. perhaps, and i would be glad that she has moved on, wallowing and allowing yourself to be hurt is one of the worse thing u can do to urself. someone fucked u up, let urself weep what u need to, it's human, then move on. true it is easier said than done, but i am not sure wailing on a daily basis, tearing urself up from inside out is exactly a good thing too.

but what happened to me was, i just like to sit there in self pity. it feels good to be there because there are people who be like "awwww" and then i feel so loved. but then something snapped in me and i decided i prefer to be the bitch, and just ignore the past. the past wasn't just boyfriends anyways, it was family, it was friends. oh yer, the ones that hurt u the most are always the ones u care for the most. and i didnt delete my entire blog site, i just decided i love the title too much, ghost elf in german, why the hell would i give up that coz of the few people who fucked up my life? and because i allow myself to wallow in self pity and such, i also allowed them to continue screwing with me long after some of them are gone, and definitely long after they care.

so here it is, my blog spot stays, and i am trying to make it better because damn, it's hawt.

it's not exactly a fansite btw, *shudders*, while it has a HUGE ayumi thingy at the top, and for now i have linked a never ever.midi file as a looping midi to this site (i HATE midis, when i do bother to get a proper ftp, i will link it to the actual song, which is SO much better...), it is still a site dedicated to me, the crazy thoughts of mine and various things i had like to share.i am not sure i wana pay 5usd a mth for a ftp just for a blog to make it prettier, because this is still just a place i like to talk randomly in. worse come to worse, if it doesnt run well and i run out of fresh songs to fill it up, i am just guna cut the songs. doesn't hurt anyone.

to stop it, just click stop at the top.

someone asked me to post my pict as well just now. i did thought of doing that. then, considering my friends' sanity, i decided against it. i am going to use this blog to say lotsa stuff, in the mean time, people who knows me might not want to be recognised next to this crazy woman... or related to me at any rate in case.. i sound retarded on my blogs. till i find a safe way to post my picts without my friends being considered as insane without their permission too, i will reconsider that notion :D

meanwhile, for the few funny people out there who wana see my 3g ipod, here it is, first with the pink sox i bought for it, then without, in all its white pure goodness :D.






i love my ipod~

so saying about imageshack being bad yesterday or so, today its blogspot -.- it suddenly returned a blank page to me resulting in me having to post this twice. anyways, this is the reason why dad didnt want me to own a camera, i take every single picture a man could possibly take, but myself. i just don't like being on the lens end of the camera. at any rate, these pictures are proof that adults love toys too =X

i am sure everyone loves them coz they are so cute and adorable, nothing wrong with that if ur 30, 40 or 50, ceo of the world's richest and most serious organisation but u melt into a puddle if u see them. i mean, geez, toys pwns everything else in this world. :D cheerful little thing.

better yet, soft toys that fit on top of my monitor. for some odd reason i have this bad habit of tossing around while sleeping, it's this thing called dreaming, and it causes them to be lost forever into the oblivion under my bed. so anyways, sadly, i have to chuck some on top of my pc. now this isnt a bad idea coz now i can just grab them and squish them even more :O. Those who have worked with me though under Aviva in the DBS thingy would have remembered the mountain i made outta my cubicle. all those soft toys lol!!! poor whatever his name is, was allergic after that to synthetic fiber =X

and yes, that's a boobsy chinese anime character as my desktop, no i am not a lesbian, although i can pretend to be if u want me to be. i just admire her big eyes and nice hair, want some of those but sadly, honestly, slit eyes suits me ok -.-"

i got a new collection of soft toys recently tho, no thanks to my sweetie.... will take photos of them tomorrow.

oh no, i didn't get back my laptop yet, but i discovered that drivers can be downloaded off websites too =X hrhr, i am silly :P

Random picture of the day

reminiscing~

so...

it seems like i havent posted in 2 days. these 2 days or so i have been.. trying to study... trying to play games and reading various other articles related to my studies. one thing i have realised though from my readings, is how much the world have changed in these 23 yrs that i have lived.it's really just 23 years though, but can u imagine how short a time frame it is compared to the centuries that we started having recorded history?

some of the similarities that we have are still there, albeit in a different form, but still barbaric in it's approah and ideals. such as "we *#&@! race are the best" due to genocide study, i been a news troll on certain websites, starting with cnn, msn, bbc, what gives. the big names. it is, however, the smaller names that actually provided me with more information, more details about what the hell is going down their in sudan, along with their opinions, relevant studies and websites. i mean, man, this is a society going down there for fuck's sake. and it doesnt even warrant more attention than a market stall giving prince charles organic chutney? how does that work? and people say our society's morals are going to hell. well, here's the reason why. the people giving us information aren't giving us the full information. although, with the technology nowadays, we can't really blame them for it all, however, news reporters are most people's form of "information gathering" source. if we can't even get a simple information on what's happening out there, well, then, our general knowledge on what's happening then, is limited.

and then we got the retarded sort of news. the ones not even worthy of mentioning, the stupid hysteria, wrong focus on the society at large. the organic chutney thing is one example, but it isn't half as crazed as an article focusing around how a private school girl is dating a public school boy. so they didn't fit the social conforms of rich should stay with the rich, smart should stay with the smart. but putting it down as an article in the news. how is that newsworthy? how is that informative? it is, but a person's private life, it is what they choose it to be. is a person's character base on how rich they are, what school they go? technically.. no. everyone has the right and ability to choose how and what they become, so if they are bratty they chose it, nobody forced them to be it. the point is, this is still their private life, nothing to do with the general public. falling in love is a common thing, what's so unusual about it?

instead we have an international community facing a genocide and not doing much about it. knowing that it's occurring and all that's going on in the un is "let's wait and see if they had do anything more then we discuss..." it's been more than a year, good lord. is this going to be another Rwanda? is defining whether it is a genocide going on really going to help, or even important at all? people are DYING there, the government isn't doing anything about it, infact they are AIDING the killers. is there any more information that u need to stop what's happening? instead, everyone rushes to iraq, there's lotsa going on in iraq. and... sudan? sudan.. not important to the world?

i don't know what's going on behind all those "meetings" all those "plannings" that they have, but to be fair to everyone in the world, if u reckon one country needs help, then it should be fair to others that u reach out too when they are needy. people are dying, dead and displaced. they have no homes to call their own, some have lost their families. and many more will die too, when the year rolls around to harvesting period and, there's nothing to harvest and even less to eat.

seems like a case of "if they don't have much to offer us in the future we shall not care."

anyways, been playing rose online a lot more now, hrhr. i kinda miss my l2 friends though, and the rest of the boys. anf cancelled his accounts coz he's restarting school, might not be able to play much till the hols. the others finished with summer school and then had only 1 week break. at the end of the day, none of them logged in much :( i wonder if they even bothered to pay for their account for this month and the next. nate seemed to have quit, said it got boring. well, i wouldn't be surprised. 2 characters 60+ on 2 very different accounts, 0 willingness to pvp, and havent participated much in pvps either. not sure what is he going to do :o for the last 8 mths or so, all he has been doing on his days off were mostly l2. and now o.o seems like there's not going to be l2 for a while.

eddie moved to albury to study in charles stuart uni, therefore he hasnt been able to get online as he has no net as of yet. he has been sms-ing me lotsa questions though, and i do wish he uses orphus more. he asks me questions that could be answered there, or posted there to be answered. i am seriously not in the know how on his class, his stuff, stats everything. i specialise in my healer. that's pretty much it. and somtimes, there are somethings i myself dont even know. games like that, u can spend months playing it and still not know some stuff. me = nub.

my clan is at war with another clan at the moment too. yet, due to my time restrictions, i guess i cant play at the same time as them for now :( the times they start playing i am having classes. by the time i come back i am just too tired to be bothered. i still got readings to attend to as well. what bothered me though, was how 1) people had say I WANT WARRRR and then disappears when clan war really starts, 2)how people had tell me to log on earlier/at a certain time, and are never there when i am there, for 2 hrs or more. or less. i am not trying to bitch about this too much, it is a game after all, but i am there and.. u rnt. and.. u asked me for it. and.. u probably whining about how i dont log on for clan hunts anymore. geez -.-" 3)when they just say something, and nothing comes out of it.

oh wells. i will be able to live with it. but i need a break from l2 i think. all these expectations to lvl to a certain lvl, to be more, and yet not being appreciated for it. no i dont need all that thank you's. it's just, if someone is being thanked, i had think it's fair to thank everyone too, rather than a specific someone. it kinda cuts when people go "oh thank goodness we have so and so..." i mean, it's asif my existence.. isn't there.

i guess healer class isn't easy to play, and we have our own stresses. it's like being a doctor in real life, all these trying to save, saving, helping and shet, and at the end of the day, ur patient walks out, not really remembering u mostly, others probably wont ever come back again, mostly never thanking you and... if anything goes wrong, it's definitely your fault.

because you are THE doctor...
geez.

anyways one of the guys i know, shmo, kinda got me to try out stretching in my room. i mean he was asking why did i stop doing gymnastics and stuff.. and i was going "oh i broke some stuff" and then wondered if i can still do this and do that.

hrhrhrhr... at the end of the day i have 1 pulled butt muscle, a strained thigh muscle and definitely definitely tired body XD~~ it wasn't very long though, just sitting, stretching the creaky bones and muscle. i mean, hey i haven't done this for a while so can't overdo it. but it was cool though, doing stuff that u havent done in a couple of years at least. i need someone to stretch my back for me -.- that was the coolest sound i ever heard, cracking the back. and i feel so oomphhhaaa after all that. the stuff i do though are so unorthodox o.o i swear it can seriously break someone's bones, except i am too pansy for that, so i guess my techniques wont break me but someone else who isn't as pansy as me, hehe.

damn, typing all these makes me wana go stretch all over again. i will probably do that after i cleaned the house alittle tomorrow...

all right time to go to bed :D

good night everyone

not sure how this will turn out image shack seems to hate my elf :( ncsoft is already abusing it badly my poor elf is doomed to a life of being maltreated...

oh wells...

anyways just posted so people could see my elf, been busy playing 2 games, tyring to study and etc today, have early classes tomorrow so.. tata!!!

i started a new game yesterday, it was pretty cute and meant to be something to occupy me when i can't find parties in l2, taking break from studying or just something to last me some minutes which doesnt need as much attention as being a healer in l2. for those interested, l2 is lineage 2, where i am a lvl 63 elven elder, which is basically a healer. the new game is called rose online, where i am ALSO a healer, but not as.. high lvlled :o so not as stressful, besides as a healer in rose on, i personally think i can solo better than those fighters :P

for more info on either games u can look at www.lineage2.com and www.roseon.com for rose online.

they are both fairly different game tho, lineage 2 has a very hardcore aspect to it, hard grinding, pvp is a bitch if people dont react back and then the likelihood of dropping stuff if ur red and so on. but i love the grind, and basically the game and the gamers in it, so i have nothing to complain.

roseon has no pvp to it whatsoever, fairly carebear, and very dressy and cartoony, but because it's so cute and "safe" in that aspect, i guess more people like it for those who dont like pvp.. and goes for looks and such. much like ragnarok, but no pvp... :D

and u get to drive cars!!! have wings and etc etc etc...

anyways, here's a look at my toon from roseon:



i would have posted pictures of my elf if image shack havent decided not to work. so for now :( my poor elf is guna stay sidelined. she's my pride and joy though, don't get me wrong, one of my favourite characters ever played.

on the cs side, i am getting back into the game, albeit very slowly XD~

^.^ anyways that's all for now while i figure this iq question out. i hate math, and everything about it smells of maths and thus i have no patience after like the 5th question -.-" so sue me, but math isn't a very interesting thing to mule over at 3 am in the morning.

Chobits Final episode

thought i should share this with everyone
just something beautiful from an anime i love :D

Look for me
'*'Once before, i lost something important to me.
I've been through alot of tough times.
And even now, my heart still hurts from some of them.
Really,really painful things.
Because Ive lost something important...
The pain still remains.But, im still looking for it.
Therefore, im still looking for it.
the one who likes me as i am.
the person only for me.
And.. I found him.
But finding him was the beginning of something more painful.
even if i could do something,
It was painful to be close together.
Seeing that person in pain is painful.
Therefore, i hid from that person.
I disappeared because i love that person,
But still..Not seeing that person is even more painful.
Not being able to see that person again is much,much more painful.
I left him, because love him..
Are you leaving him because you love him?
I'm leaving him because it's for his own happiness..
Even if it will be painful,
and even if my heart will hurt..
i still..want that person.

Random ramblings

well now that i have got all that posted, i don't think i could stem this posting of pictures for a while still :D so be wary of this incessant flow of pictures that will come your way, hrhrhr ^.^"

about the apartment, Linx and i happened to find it on the rental section of the newspaper one day. it was privately done, as in, no agent in between us and landlord, which was fine. when we came, after a nice small apartment in the civic which we liked but :( no chance of getting it probably, we totally fell in love with this apartment. it's double ensuite, semi furnished with the more important and expensive stuff, like fridge, washing machin, dryer, and the landlord even included a table for me and lotsa shelves for us. both bedrooms are equally big, although imo, because of my little walkway to my room's door, i do believe mine is slightly bigger..

my room has those checkered bits cause the landlord's sister was an architecture student who kinda have this arty arty side... so she woke up one morning deciding she was bored with her wall and checkered it up. the green boxed section was where she wanted to hang something but it wouldnt stay no matter what she used to stick it on, so she gave up and now it's just a patch of green box o.o

When Meth and Ram walked in the first time, Meth said it made her dizzy o.o so i guess my room is outta bounds to her.

oo ooo oo... and i want to rave about what i did today, that's not image shack. wish i could take a picture of what i cooked o.o but laptop is being sent for repair and i cant remember where i placed my camera's drivers' cd, so i guess it will have to wait.. but it was thai curry chicken!!!! :D so proud of it. haven't cooked properly in ages, now everyday it's like "omg omg what am i guna cook :O" it turned out fairly salty though, but it was XD~~~ droooollll umm yer.... linxy couldn't quite take the taste of the curry XD~~ more sauce for me but i didn't know :( so now the curry is rotting in the cold of the kitchen... but i happen to like salty stuff so lol!! it was awesome :D i LOVEEEE curry and i honestly couldn't start telling you how delighted i was, albeit i didn't make the curry past and it was those pre packaged ones, and all i had to do was add slight tasting ingredients...

i kinda cheated though in cooking this particular one. the label said 3 teaspoon of the paste and 400ml of coconut milk.. i jumped about 4 table spoons to start with, and didnt wait for the chicken to cook before pouring half the coconut milk in hrhr... then they said fresh cut chilli, fish sauce, basil leaves and so on, i dumped in chilli sauce =X i hope linxy didnt realise that LOL...

i DID made a huge mess out of the kitchen though, as per normal i guess. i spilt like 1/10th of the coconut milk onto the hot electric cooking thingy, and they kinda got all cooked onto the stove... plates still arent washed ^.~ and the curry.. is still rotting there. i figured that usually if i cook linxy should wash up coz he offered to the last time, but he didnt this time :( but i don't want the apartment to smell so i guess i really should wash it now hehe...

i love cooking ^.^ i just got this thing against certain kitchens. maybe i am a closet obsessive compulsive disorder brat, (in all honesty i just might have a mild case of it) i can't cook in places that i deem too dirty, deem to... not for me to cook. i just have certain preferences which if not fulfiled i can't bring myself to cook. looking back, i think the last time i really cooked was back in 1997 or something. wow. that's a while. this is not counting the instant noodles that i have cooked since then lol, instant noodles aren't exactly.. food :o it's just like i can't make myself go to the bath room if i don't like the location, or the looks of the toilet -.-" so sue me, i am a brat....

Anyways, last year my md player completely died on me. i was upset :( it was the closest friend i had for like 2 years or more, bought by my then boyfriend, it's pure white, sony limited edition stuff. they don't product it that way anymore. i mean, hey i like the new stuff that they make, but all those futuristic designs with so many techie buttons on top of the player just turns me off.

this was how it looks, thanks to the seller on ebay :)

my old sony md player :(

i still have it at home in singapore, more for memories sake than to think of trying to fix it. it was my trusty friend for many months, and it survived my crazy attempts to record every single lecture i had in my first year, while also burning all my german taped classes into it so i could sleep with it running thru my ears when i sleep, walk to classes and so on. my best friend during long flights to and fro from singapore, thru all the nights i mug thru for my a' lvls, :( i am guna miss you buddy. i could try and fix it, but it had probably cost me more than trying to buy a totally new one. it's perfectly scratchless last i saw too, but it's in the hands of my family now *shudder* meaning anything can happen to it >.> should have brought it back lol! the mic i bought specially for it to record classes is stil with me though T_T

in replacement of that, since i couldn't live without my music at the very least, i went and bought a 15 gig ipod. i didnt have a pc back when i bought my ipod, and it was at a very special student price back then (though honestly i should have hung on and bought ipod mini, but i wasn't an Apple know it all, and didnt know they had a smaller answer to their ever popular ipod, so didnt stick on). it kinda took some getting used to, for i no longer need tapes and such, and it was fairly WEIRD but convenient. but stuff got in the way and i used it less and less. it also had the terrible way of being drained when i dont use it after a certain period of time.

by the end of the year, i have 2 white mp3 players that died on me. first my md player, then my ipod. i was in tears, but exams didn't allow me to dawdle too much on it. by the time i got round to getting down to Apple center, it was time to head back to singapore.

What happened next, honestly, i love Apple for this. I came back, found my receipt and proceeded to head down Apple for it, uncertain if i have to pay humongous amount of fees for repairs despite it under warranty or not. The contract i got for repair tho made my jaw dropped. stated there was "if the said item does not work as according to factory specifications.... it will be replaced with a new set/refurbished set similar to the original." refurbished or not, this is the difference between Apple and the rest. i guess they also don't have much of a choice since the battery in ipods are also inbuilt and if it's ruined there's nothing much u can do for it. but to totally replaced it at their expense... that was beautiful.

and i know my ipod will totally fit that point. it wont be detected, it wont start up, it just refused to do anything one fine morning, so it got replaced, and now i have a beautiful functional mp3 player, i dont think i will ever abandon it again T_T. i know how many people have said it's bad, anti ipod websites have even been setup to warn people about the short lifespan of the ipod players. i have got friends who have used theirs for 2 years though, and it is still fully functional. it is probably no different from other mp3 players, other than the fact it can hold heaps more, and now the new ones can hold pictures too. technology has caught up though and many new companies are offering similar sized mp3 players for cheaper.

but for the service, for the beauty (ok so i am a sucker for white stuff), and just for my relationship with this lifeless music player, i am guna stick by it. i havent even learn how to use the calendar function, nor the contacts function, but i am a loser at certain parts of technology (mainly using SUCH functions) so it's no loss to me.

i am considering getting an ibook too, if i sell my acer laptop. no it's not about vanity, nor about apple itself anymore hehe. although having it all white and pretty is a plus. but finding 12" monitors and light laptop is a tough thing these days. plus my laptop died from over use. i need something that can last long hours and isn't a tonne to carry around campus, espcially coz now i have extemely long lectures T_T and which idiots have chosen to be far far apart from each other. i don't wana buy expensive useless laptops anymore, espcially since i have a pc. but i will see how it goes. after all, this acer piece of shit was a gift from dad and was my faithful access to the rest of the world for quite a while.

sigh, now u guys know why i have so much useless junks in my room, they all represent some form of memory :( because for somethings, memories are all i have.

sighhhhhh being a student ONLY is so pooorrr... people wont hire me coz i have no previous aussie experience :( but then again i am also picky about work -.-"
not really their fault hehe, i won't do some form of work... anyways :) i will live i guess :D

whoever laid my hands on this image shack thing, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wot a wonderous thing, i am going crazy posting the few pictures of what i wana show people :o

so here is my desktop layout too by the way :D just so people can see how kawaiiiiii my pc is (ok well not, it's really just the back ground)

w00t so image shack works :D probably a tad too small but i dont think u guys need to see what books i own, they are farely much my uni texts anyways... but here goes for those who havent seen my new place yet



my kawaii doorway to my room~

bath room~ (i love pink~~~~~)



this gotta be the best toilet on earth... BOOKSHELVES!!!!


my holy area of ... studying ^.^""

and now, for the usual random pictures with no human, panda's way of not showing people her face.. yet again >.<~~



it's not that i don't wana show myself, i mean how many of u guys have already seen me ^.^" hrhr, i am just the type of people who prefers being BEHIND the camera than infront. anyways, this is the path i take to go uni whenever i decide to show of for classes... aren't you jealous?

i am not a concrete jungle type of person. despite staying in apartments and rather liking it, other than that, i do fairly like all the trees and grasses out there.. thus the numerous amount of photos that has nothing T_T not even me, but the sun, the sky and the earth...

so saying i am sure some of u havent quite seen my school, and again.. since u figure out i like trees and plants and whatever... here comes my school taken during the first autumn i spent here, and anywhere on earth really


that's on the way to the union court... pretty isn't it? such beauty that is captured here, can u imagine the real thing?

trying to comprehend techonology here. hope this works so you guys can have a look at my new place

a couple of nights ago i found this blog, i am not going to name for i see that it belongs to someone in pain, and therefore, she should recover as much as she could in this space that she found for her self. what caught me about this blog in particular isn't how extraordinary it is, but how ordinary it is really.

for 4 years and 8 months, she was with this guy whom she called her boyfriend, spent a huge amount of time with, made an effort to be with and to understand. 2 weeks before he was meant to propose to her, he broke off with her.

if you're anything like her, like me, you had be thinking, "wtf!?!?! why??" and because i haven't quite read past the first few pages i can't really tell u the reason he offered her. but from what i have read from her one sided story, they were pretty tight and she, despite her words, despite her harsh harsh screamings, is wounded deep inside because she still loves him so much and yet he has utterly let her down, not by the fact that he dumped her before proposing, but for the fact that he doesn't care as much nor respect her as much as he has put himself forth to be and as she had thought he would be.

the entire first page of her blog was filled with her pain, memories and tears all slashed across. and people might start questioning, it's been like 3 months, why can't she move on or just ignore him and so on? for a start it wasn't a short fling relationship of 3 months, it was a full 4 years and 8 mths, where tears were shared, laughter spilled all across, effort put in, heart on the platter ready to be shattered.

for another, she, like most people i know, put their whole heart and soul into the relationship because she wants it to work, she wants it to be "happily ever after". like my previous blog on children being children, we all from the time of being a child, till the end of our young adult years, we all have a dream. sometimes, it's just "i want to be a policeman", and then u got the girls going "i wana be a princess.."

so many movies, so many shows, so many songs, each one stating an "ever after", which is basically the ideal. who doesn't want to have a person who's their muirn beatha dan, their "soul mate", whom they believe is the one whom God deign for them to spend their lives with? because of this hope, because of this ideal, they put forth their heart into this relationship, so that when they put in 100% they expected to get all they could from the relationship for the one they so love.

but real life isn't so beautiful. when you put in a 100%, you might not get back anything, ur heart might come back all in pieces and for a while you don't know what you're gonna do. you feel alone, detached from this world, stunned that what had just passed did just occurr and you can't do anything about it. no matter how furious you are, no matter how much you weep "never again!" in your heart, you want him back and say everything was a joke, everything was a bad dream and it will all be back the same again.

or you just wish it never happened.

all these though, if it never happened, if it never occurr, would you have tasted the sweet but short lived happiness of that relationship? this "never again", will soon come to pass, and soon you will lay your healed but stronger heart out on the platter again, scarred but not beyond hope, just to find that special someone out there, wouldn't you? :)

i am very naive. and i face each relationship somewhat the same. i start of the relationship scared, sometimes just not trusting. but i end up putting in as much as i could in the relationship, try to make it work, hope for nothing in return except one thing: that he be mine forever and ever and ever. there are some sorrows you can never cure, but they are some joys you can never erase away. both come hand in hand, both teaches you something, while making you remember everything.

because there was happiness thus there was pain. to be able to love someone meant that someone did give you some form of happiness, love, thus you hurt when he's gone. when i had my first boyfriend, though it was only 3 months long, everywhere i go after the relationship was a pain. we went to alot of places together, did alot of things together. when he just up and left me, then i found out he had another girl friend all this time, my world just crushed beneath me.

in my mind, i just sat in this corner and ask why, why why why why... perhaps few can understand why girls cry so much at the end of the relationship, why they have to find out the reasons as to why he left, why they still pine after that "jerk" who ditched them. it's not just girls though, i believe lotsa guys do that too. my answer to all this?

in that time i was going why why why why, i remembered everything we had that was good. and how it was the past. it's never going to happen ever again with him. that 3 months of being with him is soon going to be just with me and me alone. for that 3 months i was part of someone's life and someone was part of my life. those 2 months after he left me, as i walk around, i felt i was missing something, this hole in my life, this emptiness beside me... the pain.. the pain...

it felt as if no one could understand me and i was all alone, drowning out, blocking the entire world out. i was teaching tuition at the time to kids, and it was all i could do to behave normally, to hold on to my wits and last an hour with each kid. but as each class ends, i had think of how he used to wait for me after class... as each tuition starts i had remember how he used to walk me to the kids' homes.

then people had start saying stuff like "why not get urself outta self pity and depression? why not stop listening to those crappy music?" for one, the attention i got from all that weeping comfort me. oh true, it's low down, it's bitchy, trying to use ur sorrow to get attention. at that point in time though, i needed something to hold on to before i lost my sanity. and having friends showing some concern was all that i had. i had no self respect for myself, i didn't had any direction, i was lost as hell and i couldn't find the way out. for some people, blogging is their grip on reality, mine was having friends rally around me as my pillar, while i cry it out and slowly rebuild my own pillar.

and never ever diss my music LOL.... it's my other grip on reality when there is no one around. it brings me to another dimension where i can be hurting but i am healing and i am at ease. at that point in time, my constant flow of music was just emilia's big big world.. i had promise myself daily i wouldn't cry, but the more i heard that song the more i cry. handicapped that way i had cry myself to sleep and then wake and just stumble into another day. my walkman was my best friend...

at the end of the day, i discover that love can be such a 2 edged sword, much as you get beauty and joy out of it, you also get sheer pain and ugliness from it. then why get into relationships if it hurts so much? considering that i have declared myself as a jerk magnet? :D well... sometimes, it's not about receiving that matters so much. To love is to give as much as you can, even till it hurts and u still give some more. it doesn't just apply to one on one relationships, it also applies to the rest of everything that you come in contact with :D that's my opinion anyways. i mean, if one day, the one i love turns into a vegetable, who can't talk, can't think, can't express himself at all to me, am i to just stop loving him? just walk away, leave him for he can't ever feel me anyways? there's no way i can fully express this here, but i can't do it. i can't up and walk away just because the good times are no longer going to happen. It takes 2 hands to clap and for one to be happy anyways, it takes oneself to create that happiness for herself, that's what i believe.

besides, i can't just ditch someone when he needs me the most :)

also, specially from Bette Midler's song, The Rose:

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer that leaves your soul to blead
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you it's only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose

idealistic again but allow me to rant a little X-D... it's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give, and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live... how many times have u turned down a chance at love coz you're afraid of getting hurt, and yet you had turned back at some point in time and wonder what if? how many of you have seen people do stuff that you wish you could do, and yet never took the first step of even having a go at it?

we are all basically equal, no one emotionally stronger, no one luckier than the other. life is short, if we don't live it to the fullest, do what we want, be what we want and allow the "who" in us to fully display itself, our life might end tomorrow and we will all be sorrowful for our own lives. that's sadder isn't it? :D

wow look at my blog... it went from trying to talk about my daily coming and goings to totally philosophical, taking apart everything i read >.> sorry lol, but i like to rant too much :D it's good isn't it anyways ? :)

8 a.m and i haven't sleep yet, this is bad LOL... good night ^.^

hi~ beautiful sunday isn't it?

Going to church is like going home for me. all at the same time, it's calming, soothing, learning, and curing... everything. sitting there in the pews, having this one on one with God ur maker, it's something that everyone takes for granted when they go church but it's awe-inspiring in many ways.

anyways, was just reading an article in time just now, about how cases of bullying are escalating, particularly in europe. In one particular case, there was also this kid who commited suicide because he couldn't bring himself back to school to face the potential of being bullied again after the parents had a talk with the bullies' parents.

Children can be so cruel. Then again, as i have mentioned earlier, so can everyone be. However, how perverse is our society these days, to breed teenagers as such that they had force another fellow human being into a corner, that death seems better than life? Teenagers who had take nude or compromising pictures of their peers and threaten to circulate them on the internet such that they wouldn't have the will to face the world again. emotional threats that can be scarring. who taught it to them? who allowed such teachings?

As a child grow and learns, everything that they know, do and perform are emulations of what they had seen and been taught. what kind of education are we providing to our young today that makes it all right for them to do such acts and not feel anything but that "it's ok to do it coz he/she deserves to be bullied that way"?

in this world that we live in, this era, we all talk about civilisation, which comes with the knowledge that we have accumulated over the ages, the technology that we have created from nothingness, democracy and freedom, but each of these things does not seem to be part of what is happening to us. are we losing our morales with civilisation? with technology? this technology allowed such threats to be carried out on a massive scale, this civilisation, democracy, freedom, economy, allows such acts to go un noticed because everyone is too busy to "make it better" out there.

what happened to "every little thing starts from home"?

do you know what your child is doing today? do you know your child well enough? do u know what they need, and what they want?

everyone claims to know what need is and what want is. but answering that question with "sure i know what they need, they have too much time on hand which means they need a wiser way to spend it. which means they need more extra curricular classes.." isn't a need being curbed. some of these are cries out for attention, love, more time with the people who brought them here to live a life.

i am not saying i am a professional about children, nor that i know what children really thinks. everyone is different, everyone works differently. but i am only 23, it wasn't so long ago that i was but a child. i can still remember what i wanted and what i needed. most importantly, what i wanted from everyone was recognition. the recognition that i exist, that i am loved and wanted.

half the time i couldn't fit in with my peers because i was so different. i had rather spend my days reading books and more books than go out and play. people eat during breaks, i be holed up reading a book. eventually i had no real friends in primary school. people think i am weird, students and teachers alike made used of me because i had be naive enough to do what they want me to do. but i did wanted to fit in, i made an effort to by trying to talk about the same stuff. but i wasn't an uber hyperactive sort nor do i look uber adorable to be loved by everyone, or intellectual to draw teachers' attention.

resorting to not doing my homework did draw their attention though, and being late on a daily basis. negative attention was better than none. having the entire class not talk to me though, because the teacher said they couldn't till i start doing my homework hurt though.

what hurts most was when a teacher turns to you and say "you think mrs sim actually likes you to want to change you? she couldn't stand you which is why you're in my class this year...you deserved to fail.." words makes impressions on 12 years olds. they can make them jubilant or scar them permanently, and teachers, the ones who makes the most impressions of them all in their learning lives, can make a difference to the children they come in contact with.

rather than reach out to hurt a child, sometimes being encouraging, being supportive, and just trying to be their friend would make it easier for them to grow up right. they don't ask to be here, parents brought them here. while later on they have a choice of how they want their life to turn out to be, from the start, it is the parents that they have, the adults that they meet and the teachers who teach them what in life is important, what in life should be right that gives them the gift, the ability to choose what is right.

it is not the easiest job on earth, but neither is life. one wrong step, one wrong word, you who did it, who said it, could be the one that leads this child down the path to be a bully, to want to bully, to want to hurt to gain happiness for himself. the saddest truth is,

you won't even realise it is you who truly is the bully.

^.^ hi good morning hehe, oh well it is late afternoon... after class yesterday i just came home and went mad playing games and stuff. weekends are so nice to while away but i do have to do some reading later on tonight or i be lagging behind everyone.

was pretty happy with my class yesterday too. despite the lecturer looking like a stuffy old man and so on, the tutor was actually pretty nice and looks fairly comfortable to work with so i might actually enjoy going for tutes. although it is funny what our crazy lecturer intends us to do within the first and second week. he gave us a project work that is only worth 15% but requires some form of extensive reading, to be presented and written out. this would be fine i think if it's somewhere around the third or 4th week or if we had the chance to get our bricks earlier to know that there is this form of assessment and the relating topics. but for it to be actually expected to be presented within the first 2 weeks when people have only vague ideas of the subject itself might be too demanding. true, people can learn via the project itself, and perhaps it can even be considered a crash course of sorts. but honestly, some people are still coming in from their holidays wouldn't it be better for them to settle down rather than muddle thru the course?

i still remember how back home, my parents had go "ur lucky ur not working, studying is such a relaxing thing to do" yada yada yada. it's amazing how much people forget once they have been out in the working world for so long, that they think students have it easy. plus, the world has changed quite a bit since the 60s and the 70s, being a student now can be quite tough. some of us have got part time work to survive, but all of us have the same 4 course workload or so. even with the 3 course work load, with all those readings, plus the part time work, it can get distressing and breaks a person down mentally. and we are also still trying to grow up, fit in with our peers and so on. the complexity of a student's life can not be written down in a mere paragraph, nor be explained away and cured away with "just focus on your studies and it will be all right."

of course we dont have bills, children, colleagues, and various other business stuff to contend with, we have our own version of it. we have our school fees, our books, our friends, classmates, the need to complete our homework and so on by deadline. sure some of this can be performed by our parents, but all of it? it's not likely is it?

anyways, yesterday i received a rather disturbing sms from a friend. he was like "hey, should i get a new girlfriend? it's too hard to talk to her mehtinks (because he has moved somewhere else to study)" i kinda went into a shock mode and asked him if he thinks girlfriends are just a commodity to be picked up and dropped at his convenience without considering the other's feelings and thoughts. and then he went on to say "commodity? lol? neh just someone i like to talk to prolly not a serious rel just muck arnd with and talk funneh shit w/o getting weird looks :) feeling wise it shouldnt be a prob like i said we just got to the part where we talk about anything we want without feeling embarassed and shet, so no i love u stuff. i like knowing what some1 is like b4 going out wiht em so yer there is still space for me to back out. "

Does anyone else see what is wrong with whatever he said? in the same sentence he talked about his gf, he also describes her as if it is just a normal friend. we all have guy friends/gal pals, friends of the opposite gender with whom we can talk to, muck around with, talk retardedly with without getting weird looks or embarassed stuff. these are the people we call family and friends ( and honestly i do so much retarded stuff i wonder how my friends actually withstand me, i mean really, moo-ing at cows...)

and then there are those that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, to share our happiness and downs, and theirs too, regardless of the situations we land ourselves into, regardless of the distance apart. when we named them our gf, bf, we have kinda landed ourselves into this commitment that is different yet the same with our family and friends. people sometimes put their heart and soul into it. sure it seems idealistic, people get together and break up all the time, but who's to say that u didnt put in some sort of feelings while u r together?

everyone has some form and way of backing out. from breaking up to divorce, who doesnt have those choices? but to think someone had call another person his girlfriend, then describing her out to be a friend more so than a girlfriend, yet with the easy disposal of a commodity, i don't know how to react to that.

To start off with, i believe i was truly annoyed. then i decided to just let him be, it is his choice presiding over that of 2 people's feelings. he may say all he wants though, but honestly, what does the girl thinks, does she know what he thinks, does she know.. her status in all of this? i don't know really but i am not gunna question this. after all, he thinks he is in the right... and i don't know what has been happening to be on the qualifying end to say anything. this is not to say i lord over him or i am a qualified person to comment on such issues, but rather i don't wana see anyone hurt...

right, i am off to watch some anime... bye bye :D

so,

here i sit 3 hrs after really waking up (no the random doakdjaljda when i woke isn't part of my sleep talking) still muddle headed, trying to absorb the readings but really difficult to when my thoughts starts to wander elsewhere, i sit here at the pc, drinking cup soup and wondering why life is so perfect at this juncture.

where i stand now in life, uni on the side, a place that i rent which is perfect in so many ways, this guy i love to death who loves me too :o, music in my ears running crazy songs only i guess i listen too :D..., friends that i love who loves me too, honestly, what more can i ask for?

as i walk the path to school everyday, i see people desperately exercising, working off the lard on them, others returning from work with this "fuck it" look on their faces, or going to work with this "i hate life" look, i wonder what they are searching for in their life. oh, i don't mean i found all of what i want in life, life is too long for just singular goals, too short to have none, and even shorter still if u don't enjoy it. it isn't easy to find or know what you want in life either, but in my perspective, self is more important than others, only if u know what u want for yourself, what u can do for yourself, can u set urself out to help others in their own goals, their own needs.

however, i see people, trudging unwillingly to work daily, and then those who comes back with a "damn this life" look and i start to wonder, why do it if you hate it so much? people had give me a stare and say "you do what you have to do, whether you like it or not.." but why do you have to do what u have to do? for what higher purpose? i know no one can be happy 100% of the time, nor be fully content with what they already have. man is like that, hard to please :D that is probably what makes us such a complex group of monkeys.

but the question lies, everyone has to do what they do, for a higher purpose, an end goal. but what is it? is it enough at the end of the day to make you happy? is it a goal that would make you hit the grave and say "there, i have accomplish everything i want or most of it, i am happy to go" or would u look back and wonder "what was it out there that i have never discovered?"

i know i have done many things i have regretted, and some actions i wish i can go back and change. but when i sit down and seriously think it over, i am glad i experienced some of what happened, if not all of it. after all it made me the person i am today. i am not perfect, but i am glad i am not utter bimbo, utter retarded, or insensitive towards others. i still have a long way to go, and everyone changes accordingly to their environment, their friends, their age, their experience and i am bound to change again with the next major change in my life. but i am glad for who i am right now, for the past despite whatever unhappiness, the present for what i have, the future for what might come.

little things seem to content me doesn't it? i guess so :D trying to complicate life any further would be tedious and unsettles a person. i don't want to hit 60 years old, all white haired, bitter and upset at the world. the world doesn't owe me anything, i came into it, i am expected to contribute, and yet with each contribution i gave out, i have received little "rewards" for whatever i have done.

for the little love i gave my friends, they have been there for me; for the attention i have paid to varioud individuals, it made them feel better about themselves, even if it's just for the moment. i can list the little bits here and there, they may seem like nothing to everyone, after all, everyone cooks for their housemates in turn, everyone takes out the rubbish in the house, everyone at some point in their life tries to crack a joke, but these little "contribution", these little loving, can go a long way..

are you happy today with what you have and what you are?

talking about which, my cup soup just ran out. it is way past lunch time and way past proper meal times ^.^ oh wells i just eat heaps more at dinner and let it past hehehe. i do sure miss the food in singapore though, and the various opening times of the crazy shops in singapore. here, most shops closes at 5, dining areas close at about 9, 10 or 11 during the weekends. there are a few 24 hours places but honestly, i can count on my fingers i think. just Coles @ manuka and Ali Baba's from thursdays i think till sunday evenings. the variety of food isn't much either, but for it's disinterested population i think it's fairly all right. from what i understood from a friend who works here, most people run up to sydney during the weekends anyways to have night life, better access to food and markets. Canberra can be quite out of it sometimes but i love the quiet here :P

i wonder what i should have for dinner? :o linx mention cooking steak and mash :D :D :D~~~~~ @ (thats a puddle btw) but if he doesn't i might just go mad and run out to hog's and get them anyways :o

i wish being back to school can be as relaxing as this everyday. unfortunately, as i discovered yesterday, it can be filled with irks of idiocy. i mean, honestly, everyone were gifted with a brain at birth. those who make it to university should have at least some form of capability to exercise the use of the brain power at some point in time, if not most of the time, even if they are just walking and trying to attract attention. watching a big tittied person, who doesn't know how to use a bra or doesn't want to, yet wears a LONG dress and seriously bouncing around the campus can be fairly distracting. what mortifies me though, is nothing to do with her dress, nor the possible jealousy that she has huge tits that might sag when she's 50, but rather that in her relentless bouncing she chose not to look around her and subsequently trip AND spill out of her tube dress. it is quite entertaining for the boys i must say, for she was fairly well endowed, and her resulting reaction was great for pornography to say the least, but trying to run to the nearest rest room while screaming "don't look please" when she was at a place of congregation, with one titty sliding out can be hardly proven effective.

and then there are those long suffering looks that the general teaching staff gives you, making you feel all small and feel like u have no intellectual capability whatsoever. if you actually believe that though, it can be really sad, but here's the trick behind it, they know ur intelligent, but if they let you know they know that, they are afraid that u might turn out to be a pompous ass, so they decided to make you feel the other way. don't ever fall for it, because if you do, then u had be an ass, totally.

so i left uni yesterday, feeling mortified by some people of my gender, but still totally glad i am female, happy about being who i am, but not a pompous ass as some maybe. no i am not a genius, i don't have an iq that zooms off the chart, but i am intellectual enough to hold a proper conversation and THAT is the most important. making people understand you.

oh yes, sometimes i fairly don't make sense to people, and other times i am totally random. life is what you make it to be, if i don't make it colourful for myself who will?

right back to studying for now, need to do this presentation >.>

it's 4 am, well almost, now here at my place and i am still up rushing through my readings since i actually have a tute this week that requires us to be totally intelligent on the topic for this week. even though it is the first week of school and nevermind the fact that some of us might actually have a life outside of university.

reading through the topics laid out though, it brings to mind a sad reality- how humans can be so cruel to each other.

genocide studies can make a bitter person out of humans :o

at the moment i am stuck at the ottoman empire's massacre of the armenians, and then the jewish holocaust of the 2nd world war. armenians, jewish, europeans as a whole, american indians, chinese, aboriginals, caucasians. really, look at this segregation of the human kind. isn't it blood that flow through us? we all take a piss at some point in time of the day at least once, take a shit at least once a day and we all have our personal worries, problems, happiness, laughter, sadness and, eventually, death. what makes one race different from another?

better yet, why is there even a word called race?

just because we look different from one another? practise a totally different faith/culture/language? circumstances made all of us different. some people believe in God, some don't. i believe in him and that we are all made the same yet different so that we all can make this life beautiful with our individuality.

i mean fark, i dont wana look like, behave like, smell like, talk like and walk like the bimbo next door. what monstrosity could it be that could compell a man to send his neighbour to death, because of his race? are we not all the same? yet different because we could be different?

all the questions but many an answer. the mind of man is a complex thing. there are many things that can break it, and this we call insanity. and there are many things that can set it straight, in which we call it rationality. what lies between is possibly the heart of humanity, or does it exist in the world of today?

look around you, who is thinking what? what are you thinking today? we all joke at the expense of someone. perhaps it maybe their looks, their figure, the way they talk, the way they walk, or even just the way they touch the things around them. in our minds, we set these people apart, for their little differences from us. it can be anything from as small as the little ring that they may have worn just to look "cool" but look retarded to us, or to something as big as their skin color. could this be what can spark off a possible segregation between what is "us" and what is "them"?

the fear that lies beneath each judgement. fear, you might say, isn't really that, it's really more about hatred for a certain part of this person, this race, this group of people. but i say, from fear stems hatred. i don't know much about these people, they seem to be able to do things that i can't, i am scared of them, i hate them. that often seems to be the endless ranting that goes through everyone's head, to which they would hate to admit, for that is to say that they are weak and just like everyone around them.

is it so hard to live with one another? sure the arguments makes life interesting, but to have entertainment at the expense of thousands of lives, that might not be a very good idea.

God said in the bible, Do unto other as you would them do unto you.

can you imagine if there is a time machine of some warped sort, that goes back in time and talks to, say, Hitler, and showed him the monstrosity and the impact of his deeds, what would he have said? and then warped the time around such that, instead of the deeds done unto the jews, but its from the jews to the germans, how would he have felt as a human being?

Anyone can be a totalitarian, anyone can commit all these "crimes" to another person, it is NOT about being a jew or a german, armenian or a turk, but really about, hey, would u do that to this other person, without feeling a thing? and if so, if it's done unto you, as a victim, would u feel anything? then why would you perform such an act, to hurt someone, or many people that you do not know, nor have met?

i wonder, for today, can it be possible for people to be nice to the person next to you? it's not just about saying hi, or giving a smile, although a smile is a good start for you never know when u have lit up someone's day...

but rather, would u help someone u have never known, never met, talk to that someone and find out more about them?

some time ago, i sat down next to an old man and just randomly started talking. just asking about his day, how he was. although i was kind of made to do this, i have to WANT to perform this act to get through this part of my course back then. but you know, just randomly talking, it lit up his day, and the lady next to him, and then the lady who was talking with her. soon i had 3 old people just sitting there, talking about their children, talking about life, all over cups of coffee.. and they were happy, if only just for that moment, if only just for that day.

would you walk out today with an intent to light up someone's day? it's not just about yourself here.. this world is full of people, this world is one giant community. someone out there needs some loving, would you be the one to hand some to him?

^.^ good night

another random rambling by panda~

hi~~ welcome to the entirely deleted blog of mine :P

in my illness and craziness i decided to restart this blog more coz i have decided the past should stay the past. letting people know my experiences and so on isnt going to change anything, theirs, mine, anyone's really. i mean i am still going to blog, and also blog about what's happening here. but going on about my past isnt guna make it better or change who i am now. using it to remember something is ok but yer..


some stuff shud just stay back where they are coz it doesnt really affect the future, it is the person who is living at the moment who affects it anyways ^.^

for all my friends out there. the same words apply :P i am sorry i haven't blogged for so long, it isnt very natural to me yet to be posting stuff that goes on in my life to be online, on a pc and etc etc. i am guna try and post more this year since i know i have lost touch with most of u. my bad really and i am sorry, nothing is really a good excuse or justification of my abandoning of you guys, and i know u guys are the best.

this blog is dedicated to my friends really and i have failed so badly in upkeeping it so i am guna do it this year around and make full use of it. but first up i need to really really learn html.. i have so many pictures and so on i need to show u guys and digital world have helped that so much but i have grown useless atm with them.

oh btw i am sick did i mention that? thus the huge words coz i think atm its quite funky :P just going mad atm, throat is sssooo sore..

when i come back from uni in a while, i shall talk abit more, and try to be less of an airhead and write in this font.

for those whom i have not actually seen online in a while, where have you been? *hint hint* incidentally i have moved out of campus and thus have more access to the net than before, since i dont have to worry about internet data anymore. that was annoying. i have new accounts for emails as well. while i still love being pigshitz (^.^) that has lotsa spams and stuff for my various activities (no that does not mean i have porn subscriptions) and i realised lotsa emails get messed up and go to spam mail which i rarely check coz i thought msn is smart. my bad :o

so for those who have my uni email account, hey it's still working if u need me. for those who dont, u can try anivyl@gmail.com.

this concludes my random announcement for today. ^.^ bye bye~