so,

here i sit 3 hrs after really waking up (no the random doakdjaljda when i woke isn't part of my sleep talking) still muddle headed, trying to absorb the readings but really difficult to when my thoughts starts to wander elsewhere, i sit here at the pc, drinking cup soup and wondering why life is so perfect at this juncture.

where i stand now in life, uni on the side, a place that i rent which is perfect in so many ways, this guy i love to death who loves me too :o, music in my ears running crazy songs only i guess i listen too :D..., friends that i love who loves me too, honestly, what more can i ask for?

as i walk the path to school everyday, i see people desperately exercising, working off the lard on them, others returning from work with this "fuck it" look on their faces, or going to work with this "i hate life" look, i wonder what they are searching for in their life. oh, i don't mean i found all of what i want in life, life is too long for just singular goals, too short to have none, and even shorter still if u don't enjoy it. it isn't easy to find or know what you want in life either, but in my perspective, self is more important than others, only if u know what u want for yourself, what u can do for yourself, can u set urself out to help others in their own goals, their own needs.

however, i see people, trudging unwillingly to work daily, and then those who comes back with a "damn this life" look and i start to wonder, why do it if you hate it so much? people had give me a stare and say "you do what you have to do, whether you like it or not.." but why do you have to do what u have to do? for what higher purpose? i know no one can be happy 100% of the time, nor be fully content with what they already have. man is like that, hard to please :D that is probably what makes us such a complex group of monkeys.

but the question lies, everyone has to do what they do, for a higher purpose, an end goal. but what is it? is it enough at the end of the day to make you happy? is it a goal that would make you hit the grave and say "there, i have accomplish everything i want or most of it, i am happy to go" or would u look back and wonder "what was it out there that i have never discovered?"

i know i have done many things i have regretted, and some actions i wish i can go back and change. but when i sit down and seriously think it over, i am glad i experienced some of what happened, if not all of it. after all it made me the person i am today. i am not perfect, but i am glad i am not utter bimbo, utter retarded, or insensitive towards others. i still have a long way to go, and everyone changes accordingly to their environment, their friends, their age, their experience and i am bound to change again with the next major change in my life. but i am glad for who i am right now, for the past despite whatever unhappiness, the present for what i have, the future for what might come.

little things seem to content me doesn't it? i guess so :D trying to complicate life any further would be tedious and unsettles a person. i don't want to hit 60 years old, all white haired, bitter and upset at the world. the world doesn't owe me anything, i came into it, i am expected to contribute, and yet with each contribution i gave out, i have received little "rewards" for whatever i have done.

for the little love i gave my friends, they have been there for me; for the attention i have paid to varioud individuals, it made them feel better about themselves, even if it's just for the moment. i can list the little bits here and there, they may seem like nothing to everyone, after all, everyone cooks for their housemates in turn, everyone takes out the rubbish in the house, everyone at some point in their life tries to crack a joke, but these little "contribution", these little loving, can go a long way..

are you happy today with what you have and what you are?

talking about which, my cup soup just ran out. it is way past lunch time and way past proper meal times ^.^ oh wells i just eat heaps more at dinner and let it past hehehe. i do sure miss the food in singapore though, and the various opening times of the crazy shops in singapore. here, most shops closes at 5, dining areas close at about 9, 10 or 11 during the weekends. there are a few 24 hours places but honestly, i can count on my fingers i think. just Coles @ manuka and Ali Baba's from thursdays i think till sunday evenings. the variety of food isn't much either, but for it's disinterested population i think it's fairly all right. from what i understood from a friend who works here, most people run up to sydney during the weekends anyways to have night life, better access to food and markets. Canberra can be quite out of it sometimes but i love the quiet here :P

i wonder what i should have for dinner? :o linx mention cooking steak and mash :D :D :D~~~~~ @ (thats a puddle btw) but if he doesn't i might just go mad and run out to hog's and get them anyways :o

i wish being back to school can be as relaxing as this everyday. unfortunately, as i discovered yesterday, it can be filled with irks of idiocy. i mean, honestly, everyone were gifted with a brain at birth. those who make it to university should have at least some form of capability to exercise the use of the brain power at some point in time, if not most of the time, even if they are just walking and trying to attract attention. watching a big tittied person, who doesn't know how to use a bra or doesn't want to, yet wears a LONG dress and seriously bouncing around the campus can be fairly distracting. what mortifies me though, is nothing to do with her dress, nor the possible jealousy that she has huge tits that might sag when she's 50, but rather that in her relentless bouncing she chose not to look around her and subsequently trip AND spill out of her tube dress. it is quite entertaining for the boys i must say, for she was fairly well endowed, and her resulting reaction was great for pornography to say the least, but trying to run to the nearest rest room while screaming "don't look please" when she was at a place of congregation, with one titty sliding out can be hardly proven effective.

and then there are those long suffering looks that the general teaching staff gives you, making you feel all small and feel like u have no intellectual capability whatsoever. if you actually believe that though, it can be really sad, but here's the trick behind it, they know ur intelligent, but if they let you know they know that, they are afraid that u might turn out to be a pompous ass, so they decided to make you feel the other way. don't ever fall for it, because if you do, then u had be an ass, totally.

so i left uni yesterday, feeling mortified by some people of my gender, but still totally glad i am female, happy about being who i am, but not a pompous ass as some maybe. no i am not a genius, i don't have an iq that zooms off the chart, but i am intellectual enough to hold a proper conversation and THAT is the most important. making people understand you.

oh yes, sometimes i fairly don't make sense to people, and other times i am totally random. life is what you make it to be, if i don't make it colourful for myself who will?

right back to studying for now, need to do this presentation >.>