hi~ beautiful sunday isn't it?

Going to church is like going home for me. all at the same time, it's calming, soothing, learning, and curing... everything. sitting there in the pews, having this one on one with God ur maker, it's something that everyone takes for granted when they go church but it's awe-inspiring in many ways.

anyways, was just reading an article in time just now, about how cases of bullying are escalating, particularly in europe. In one particular case, there was also this kid who commited suicide because he couldn't bring himself back to school to face the potential of being bullied again after the parents had a talk with the bullies' parents.

Children can be so cruel. Then again, as i have mentioned earlier, so can everyone be. However, how perverse is our society these days, to breed teenagers as such that they had force another fellow human being into a corner, that death seems better than life? Teenagers who had take nude or compromising pictures of their peers and threaten to circulate them on the internet such that they wouldn't have the will to face the world again. emotional threats that can be scarring. who taught it to them? who allowed such teachings?

As a child grow and learns, everything that they know, do and perform are emulations of what they had seen and been taught. what kind of education are we providing to our young today that makes it all right for them to do such acts and not feel anything but that "it's ok to do it coz he/she deserves to be bullied that way"?

in this world that we live in, this era, we all talk about civilisation, which comes with the knowledge that we have accumulated over the ages, the technology that we have created from nothingness, democracy and freedom, but each of these things does not seem to be part of what is happening to us. are we losing our morales with civilisation? with technology? this technology allowed such threats to be carried out on a massive scale, this civilisation, democracy, freedom, economy, allows such acts to go un noticed because everyone is too busy to "make it better" out there.

what happened to "every little thing starts from home"?

do you know what your child is doing today? do you know your child well enough? do u know what they need, and what they want?

everyone claims to know what need is and what want is. but answering that question with "sure i know what they need, they have too much time on hand which means they need a wiser way to spend it. which means they need more extra curricular classes.." isn't a need being curbed. some of these are cries out for attention, love, more time with the people who brought them here to live a life.

i am not saying i am a professional about children, nor that i know what children really thinks. everyone is different, everyone works differently. but i am only 23, it wasn't so long ago that i was but a child. i can still remember what i wanted and what i needed. most importantly, what i wanted from everyone was recognition. the recognition that i exist, that i am loved and wanted.

half the time i couldn't fit in with my peers because i was so different. i had rather spend my days reading books and more books than go out and play. people eat during breaks, i be holed up reading a book. eventually i had no real friends in primary school. people think i am weird, students and teachers alike made used of me because i had be naive enough to do what they want me to do. but i did wanted to fit in, i made an effort to by trying to talk about the same stuff. but i wasn't an uber hyperactive sort nor do i look uber adorable to be loved by everyone, or intellectual to draw teachers' attention.

resorting to not doing my homework did draw their attention though, and being late on a daily basis. negative attention was better than none. having the entire class not talk to me though, because the teacher said they couldn't till i start doing my homework hurt though.

what hurts most was when a teacher turns to you and say "you think mrs sim actually likes you to want to change you? she couldn't stand you which is why you're in my class this year...you deserved to fail.." words makes impressions on 12 years olds. they can make them jubilant or scar them permanently, and teachers, the ones who makes the most impressions of them all in their learning lives, can make a difference to the children they come in contact with.

rather than reach out to hurt a child, sometimes being encouraging, being supportive, and just trying to be their friend would make it easier for them to grow up right. they don't ask to be here, parents brought them here. while later on they have a choice of how they want their life to turn out to be, from the start, it is the parents that they have, the adults that they meet and the teachers who teach them what in life is important, what in life should be right that gives them the gift, the ability to choose what is right.

it is not the easiest job on earth, but neither is life. one wrong step, one wrong word, you who did it, who said it, could be the one that leads this child down the path to be a bully, to want to bully, to want to hurt to gain happiness for himself. the saddest truth is,

you won't even realise it is you who truly is the bully.

^.^ hi good morning hehe, oh well it is late afternoon... after class yesterday i just came home and went mad playing games and stuff. weekends are so nice to while away but i do have to do some reading later on tonight or i be lagging behind everyone.

was pretty happy with my class yesterday too. despite the lecturer looking like a stuffy old man and so on, the tutor was actually pretty nice and looks fairly comfortable to work with so i might actually enjoy going for tutes. although it is funny what our crazy lecturer intends us to do within the first and second week. he gave us a project work that is only worth 15% but requires some form of extensive reading, to be presented and written out. this would be fine i think if it's somewhere around the third or 4th week or if we had the chance to get our bricks earlier to know that there is this form of assessment and the relating topics. but for it to be actually expected to be presented within the first 2 weeks when people have only vague ideas of the subject itself might be too demanding. true, people can learn via the project itself, and perhaps it can even be considered a crash course of sorts. but honestly, some people are still coming in from their holidays wouldn't it be better for them to settle down rather than muddle thru the course?

i still remember how back home, my parents had go "ur lucky ur not working, studying is such a relaxing thing to do" yada yada yada. it's amazing how much people forget once they have been out in the working world for so long, that they think students have it easy. plus, the world has changed quite a bit since the 60s and the 70s, being a student now can be quite tough. some of us have got part time work to survive, but all of us have the same 4 course workload or so. even with the 3 course work load, with all those readings, plus the part time work, it can get distressing and breaks a person down mentally. and we are also still trying to grow up, fit in with our peers and so on. the complexity of a student's life can not be written down in a mere paragraph, nor be explained away and cured away with "just focus on your studies and it will be all right."

of course we dont have bills, children, colleagues, and various other business stuff to contend with, we have our own version of it. we have our school fees, our books, our friends, classmates, the need to complete our homework and so on by deadline. sure some of this can be performed by our parents, but all of it? it's not likely is it?

anyways, yesterday i received a rather disturbing sms from a friend. he was like "hey, should i get a new girlfriend? it's too hard to talk to her mehtinks (because he has moved somewhere else to study)" i kinda went into a shock mode and asked him if he thinks girlfriends are just a commodity to be picked up and dropped at his convenience without considering the other's feelings and thoughts. and then he went on to say "commodity? lol? neh just someone i like to talk to prolly not a serious rel just muck arnd with and talk funneh shit w/o getting weird looks :) feeling wise it shouldnt be a prob like i said we just got to the part where we talk about anything we want without feeling embarassed and shet, so no i love u stuff. i like knowing what some1 is like b4 going out wiht em so yer there is still space for me to back out. "

Does anyone else see what is wrong with whatever he said? in the same sentence he talked about his gf, he also describes her as if it is just a normal friend. we all have guy friends/gal pals, friends of the opposite gender with whom we can talk to, muck around with, talk retardedly with without getting weird looks or embarassed stuff. these are the people we call family and friends ( and honestly i do so much retarded stuff i wonder how my friends actually withstand me, i mean really, moo-ing at cows...)

and then there are those that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, to share our happiness and downs, and theirs too, regardless of the situations we land ourselves into, regardless of the distance apart. when we named them our gf, bf, we have kinda landed ourselves into this commitment that is different yet the same with our family and friends. people sometimes put their heart and soul into it. sure it seems idealistic, people get together and break up all the time, but who's to say that u didnt put in some sort of feelings while u r together?

everyone has some form and way of backing out. from breaking up to divorce, who doesnt have those choices? but to think someone had call another person his girlfriend, then describing her out to be a friend more so than a girlfriend, yet with the easy disposal of a commodity, i don't know how to react to that.

To start off with, i believe i was truly annoyed. then i decided to just let him be, it is his choice presiding over that of 2 people's feelings. he may say all he wants though, but honestly, what does the girl thinks, does she know what he thinks, does she know.. her status in all of this? i don't know really but i am not gunna question this. after all, he thinks he is in the right... and i don't know what has been happening to be on the qualifying end to say anything. this is not to say i lord over him or i am a qualified person to comment on such issues, but rather i don't wana see anyone hurt...

right, i am off to watch some anime... bye bye :D

so,

here i sit 3 hrs after really waking up (no the random doakdjaljda when i woke isn't part of my sleep talking) still muddle headed, trying to absorb the readings but really difficult to when my thoughts starts to wander elsewhere, i sit here at the pc, drinking cup soup and wondering why life is so perfect at this juncture.

where i stand now in life, uni on the side, a place that i rent which is perfect in so many ways, this guy i love to death who loves me too :o, music in my ears running crazy songs only i guess i listen too :D..., friends that i love who loves me too, honestly, what more can i ask for?

as i walk the path to school everyday, i see people desperately exercising, working off the lard on them, others returning from work with this "fuck it" look on their faces, or going to work with this "i hate life" look, i wonder what they are searching for in their life. oh, i don't mean i found all of what i want in life, life is too long for just singular goals, too short to have none, and even shorter still if u don't enjoy it. it isn't easy to find or know what you want in life either, but in my perspective, self is more important than others, only if u know what u want for yourself, what u can do for yourself, can u set urself out to help others in their own goals, their own needs.

however, i see people, trudging unwillingly to work daily, and then those who comes back with a "damn this life" look and i start to wonder, why do it if you hate it so much? people had give me a stare and say "you do what you have to do, whether you like it or not.." but why do you have to do what u have to do? for what higher purpose? i know no one can be happy 100% of the time, nor be fully content with what they already have. man is like that, hard to please :D that is probably what makes us such a complex group of monkeys.

but the question lies, everyone has to do what they do, for a higher purpose, an end goal. but what is it? is it enough at the end of the day to make you happy? is it a goal that would make you hit the grave and say "there, i have accomplish everything i want or most of it, i am happy to go" or would u look back and wonder "what was it out there that i have never discovered?"

i know i have done many things i have regretted, and some actions i wish i can go back and change. but when i sit down and seriously think it over, i am glad i experienced some of what happened, if not all of it. after all it made me the person i am today. i am not perfect, but i am glad i am not utter bimbo, utter retarded, or insensitive towards others. i still have a long way to go, and everyone changes accordingly to their environment, their friends, their age, their experience and i am bound to change again with the next major change in my life. but i am glad for who i am right now, for the past despite whatever unhappiness, the present for what i have, the future for what might come.

little things seem to content me doesn't it? i guess so :D trying to complicate life any further would be tedious and unsettles a person. i don't want to hit 60 years old, all white haired, bitter and upset at the world. the world doesn't owe me anything, i came into it, i am expected to contribute, and yet with each contribution i gave out, i have received little "rewards" for whatever i have done.

for the little love i gave my friends, they have been there for me; for the attention i have paid to varioud individuals, it made them feel better about themselves, even if it's just for the moment. i can list the little bits here and there, they may seem like nothing to everyone, after all, everyone cooks for their housemates in turn, everyone takes out the rubbish in the house, everyone at some point in their life tries to crack a joke, but these little "contribution", these little loving, can go a long way..

are you happy today with what you have and what you are?

talking about which, my cup soup just ran out. it is way past lunch time and way past proper meal times ^.^ oh wells i just eat heaps more at dinner and let it past hehehe. i do sure miss the food in singapore though, and the various opening times of the crazy shops in singapore. here, most shops closes at 5, dining areas close at about 9, 10 or 11 during the weekends. there are a few 24 hours places but honestly, i can count on my fingers i think. just Coles @ manuka and Ali Baba's from thursdays i think till sunday evenings. the variety of food isn't much either, but for it's disinterested population i think it's fairly all right. from what i understood from a friend who works here, most people run up to sydney during the weekends anyways to have night life, better access to food and markets. Canberra can be quite out of it sometimes but i love the quiet here :P

i wonder what i should have for dinner? :o linx mention cooking steak and mash :D :D :D~~~~~ @ (thats a puddle btw) but if he doesn't i might just go mad and run out to hog's and get them anyways :o

i wish being back to school can be as relaxing as this everyday. unfortunately, as i discovered yesterday, it can be filled with irks of idiocy. i mean, honestly, everyone were gifted with a brain at birth. those who make it to university should have at least some form of capability to exercise the use of the brain power at some point in time, if not most of the time, even if they are just walking and trying to attract attention. watching a big tittied person, who doesn't know how to use a bra or doesn't want to, yet wears a LONG dress and seriously bouncing around the campus can be fairly distracting. what mortifies me though, is nothing to do with her dress, nor the possible jealousy that she has huge tits that might sag when she's 50, but rather that in her relentless bouncing she chose not to look around her and subsequently trip AND spill out of her tube dress. it is quite entertaining for the boys i must say, for she was fairly well endowed, and her resulting reaction was great for pornography to say the least, but trying to run to the nearest rest room while screaming "don't look please" when she was at a place of congregation, with one titty sliding out can be hardly proven effective.

and then there are those long suffering looks that the general teaching staff gives you, making you feel all small and feel like u have no intellectual capability whatsoever. if you actually believe that though, it can be really sad, but here's the trick behind it, they know ur intelligent, but if they let you know they know that, they are afraid that u might turn out to be a pompous ass, so they decided to make you feel the other way. don't ever fall for it, because if you do, then u had be an ass, totally.

so i left uni yesterday, feeling mortified by some people of my gender, but still totally glad i am female, happy about being who i am, but not a pompous ass as some maybe. no i am not a genius, i don't have an iq that zooms off the chart, but i am intellectual enough to hold a proper conversation and THAT is the most important. making people understand you.

oh yes, sometimes i fairly don't make sense to people, and other times i am totally random. life is what you make it to be, if i don't make it colourful for myself who will?

right back to studying for now, need to do this presentation >.>

it's 4 am, well almost, now here at my place and i am still up rushing through my readings since i actually have a tute this week that requires us to be totally intelligent on the topic for this week. even though it is the first week of school and nevermind the fact that some of us might actually have a life outside of university.

reading through the topics laid out though, it brings to mind a sad reality- how humans can be so cruel to each other.

genocide studies can make a bitter person out of humans :o

at the moment i am stuck at the ottoman empire's massacre of the armenians, and then the jewish holocaust of the 2nd world war. armenians, jewish, europeans as a whole, american indians, chinese, aboriginals, caucasians. really, look at this segregation of the human kind. isn't it blood that flow through us? we all take a piss at some point in time of the day at least once, take a shit at least once a day and we all have our personal worries, problems, happiness, laughter, sadness and, eventually, death. what makes one race different from another?

better yet, why is there even a word called race?

just because we look different from one another? practise a totally different faith/culture/language? circumstances made all of us different. some people believe in God, some don't. i believe in him and that we are all made the same yet different so that we all can make this life beautiful with our individuality.

i mean fark, i dont wana look like, behave like, smell like, talk like and walk like the bimbo next door. what monstrosity could it be that could compell a man to send his neighbour to death, because of his race? are we not all the same? yet different because we could be different?

all the questions but many an answer. the mind of man is a complex thing. there are many things that can break it, and this we call insanity. and there are many things that can set it straight, in which we call it rationality. what lies between is possibly the heart of humanity, or does it exist in the world of today?

look around you, who is thinking what? what are you thinking today? we all joke at the expense of someone. perhaps it maybe their looks, their figure, the way they talk, the way they walk, or even just the way they touch the things around them. in our minds, we set these people apart, for their little differences from us. it can be anything from as small as the little ring that they may have worn just to look "cool" but look retarded to us, or to something as big as their skin color. could this be what can spark off a possible segregation between what is "us" and what is "them"?

the fear that lies beneath each judgement. fear, you might say, isn't really that, it's really more about hatred for a certain part of this person, this race, this group of people. but i say, from fear stems hatred. i don't know much about these people, they seem to be able to do things that i can't, i am scared of them, i hate them. that often seems to be the endless ranting that goes through everyone's head, to which they would hate to admit, for that is to say that they are weak and just like everyone around them.

is it so hard to live with one another? sure the arguments makes life interesting, but to have entertainment at the expense of thousands of lives, that might not be a very good idea.

God said in the bible, Do unto other as you would them do unto you.

can you imagine if there is a time machine of some warped sort, that goes back in time and talks to, say, Hitler, and showed him the monstrosity and the impact of his deeds, what would he have said? and then warped the time around such that, instead of the deeds done unto the jews, but its from the jews to the germans, how would he have felt as a human being?

Anyone can be a totalitarian, anyone can commit all these "crimes" to another person, it is NOT about being a jew or a german, armenian or a turk, but really about, hey, would u do that to this other person, without feeling a thing? and if so, if it's done unto you, as a victim, would u feel anything? then why would you perform such an act, to hurt someone, or many people that you do not know, nor have met?

i wonder, for today, can it be possible for people to be nice to the person next to you? it's not just about saying hi, or giving a smile, although a smile is a good start for you never know when u have lit up someone's day...

but rather, would u help someone u have never known, never met, talk to that someone and find out more about them?

some time ago, i sat down next to an old man and just randomly started talking. just asking about his day, how he was. although i was kind of made to do this, i have to WANT to perform this act to get through this part of my course back then. but you know, just randomly talking, it lit up his day, and the lady next to him, and then the lady who was talking with her. soon i had 3 old people just sitting there, talking about their children, talking about life, all over cups of coffee.. and they were happy, if only just for that moment, if only just for that day.

would you walk out today with an intent to light up someone's day? it's not just about yourself here.. this world is full of people, this world is one giant community. someone out there needs some loving, would you be the one to hand some to him?

^.^ good night

another random rambling by panda~

hi~~ welcome to the entirely deleted blog of mine :P

in my illness and craziness i decided to restart this blog more coz i have decided the past should stay the past. letting people know my experiences and so on isnt going to change anything, theirs, mine, anyone's really. i mean i am still going to blog, and also blog about what's happening here. but going on about my past isnt guna make it better or change who i am now. using it to remember something is ok but yer..


some stuff shud just stay back where they are coz it doesnt really affect the future, it is the person who is living at the moment who affects it anyways ^.^

for all my friends out there. the same words apply :P i am sorry i haven't blogged for so long, it isnt very natural to me yet to be posting stuff that goes on in my life to be online, on a pc and etc etc. i am guna try and post more this year since i know i have lost touch with most of u. my bad really and i am sorry, nothing is really a good excuse or justification of my abandoning of you guys, and i know u guys are the best.

this blog is dedicated to my friends really and i have failed so badly in upkeeping it so i am guna do it this year around and make full use of it. but first up i need to really really learn html.. i have so many pictures and so on i need to show u guys and digital world have helped that so much but i have grown useless atm with them.

oh btw i am sick did i mention that? thus the huge words coz i think atm its quite funky :P just going mad atm, throat is sssooo sore..

when i come back from uni in a while, i shall talk abit more, and try to be less of an airhead and write in this font.

for those whom i have not actually seen online in a while, where have you been? *hint hint* incidentally i have moved out of campus and thus have more access to the net than before, since i dont have to worry about internet data anymore. that was annoying. i have new accounts for emails as well. while i still love being pigshitz (^.^) that has lotsa spams and stuff for my various activities (no that does not mean i have porn subscriptions) and i realised lotsa emails get messed up and go to spam mail which i rarely check coz i thought msn is smart. my bad :o

so for those who have my uni email account, hey it's still working if u need me. for those who dont, u can try anivyl@gmail.com.

this concludes my random announcement for today. ^.^ bye bye~